Fear

So I saw the doctor. I actually like him quite a bit. Well, his demeanor didn't do him any favors. He was surprisingly not open and welcoming for being a psychiatrist, but I like the way he does things. He asked lots of really tough questions, which was frustrating cus I know he had both my intake info from when I was inpatient and from when I started with this new program. But after asking the questions he changed my meds around....giving me new sleepy meds that are supposed to also help w/nightmares by blocking adrenaline, and new anxiety meds that should work a lot better than the ones I had before which were just too weak for what I need. He also came up with a plan for me to see him again next week, as well as attend two different groups. I REALLY like this because the t I didn't like didn't give me a plan, or anything to do besides count down the days til the next appt and try to figure out how to handle things on my own until the day came. That doesn't work for me right now because the stuff i'm dealing with is big. And scary. And just so so tough to deal with. Any little bit of bringing it up, even if that's not directly what we talk about during the appt....gets me totally flipped out. He wasn't giving me support so i'd spend the rest of the week just tryin to survive and get by. Not good.

So the dr. has another appt scheduled for me, and stuff to do so i'm not alone. (Jury is still out on whether the iop is the right fit for me...in case you're wondering...). But what I liked best about the dr. is that he seemed to believe in me. He basically said that I need to process the stuff that happened to me, that it's going to be hell, but that it can be done. I told him what I feel like I've been screaming lately mostly to deaf ears, that i'm ready to do the work and that i want to get better, i just need the guidance of how. I need someone to point me in the right direction and be there to support me through it...because basically we're talking about unraveling the entirety of me, my childhood, and the horrible things that happened. I get scared just admitting those things exist. But I want to do it. And the dr. seems to think I can.

The two groups he has me going to....one is DBT....dialetical behavior therapy. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy) I think this sounds pretty cool. It's all about learning to stay grounded and mindful in the moment. I guess it's based off of some buddhist stuff too. It doesn't focus on the trauma specifically at all, just about how to deal with panicking and that kind of thing. So so so what I need right now.

The other one is a women's group called "seeking safety." I'm not nearly so excited about this one. It sounds like it's more for women leaving abusive relationships, but the dr. said it would be good for me. I'm doing everything I can to follow the instructions of ppl willing to help me though, so I'm going to give it a try.

Anyway back to the title of this post....fear. I mentioned a bit above about how scary it is to face this stuff. But what most ppl don't understand is that it's scary as hell just to admit that the bad stuff happened. To actually say out loud to someone is so painful. Talking about it in any detail at all makes me so scared I can't breathe. I feel like I'm dying. I know it's illogical but that's what happens. It might be from when I was a child and they told me they'd kill me if I told. I don't know. What I do know is that it's terrifying.

I do ok if I just think about the groups...though they scare me too. But then I looked at the website for the group he's recommending I talk to (a city wide group...not associated with this program) and I start getting shaky. It's a lot more focused on the bad stuff. A lot more. I look at their recommended reading list thinking maybe I should find a new book to read. Just seeing the titles, and especially the descriptions, the death feelings come back. Just that much and my stomach ties in a knot and my lungs stop working.

That's what I have to fight to be able to fight this. That's the whole problem....any little thing I try to do good for myself brings up all this fear and panic....ending up with more to deal with. That's where the drinking comes in too (though I've been sober since tuesday night). The panic makes me want to drink...but the drinking ultimately makes it worse. Logically i get all of this, in the moment it's painful. It's what happened to me when I went to the AA meeting. It happens every time I try to do something good. I think that's why the DBT stuff could be good for me. If i could do something to help myself w/out the help itself becoming trauma....I might have a chance.

I guess I also want to say this because I'm tired of people telling me to "just get over it" or that I'm making excuses, or that I'm unwilling to help myself. 15 minutes in an AA meeting, for example, was TERRIFYING to me. It made my chest hurt to the point I couldn't breathe and I started getting so dizzy I could barely see straight. I haven't been back to one yet but that doesn't mean I'm not trying. I want to do everything I can to help myself, but this isn't the type of fear where you just suck it up and go. This is an all encompassing, painful, raw, terror. It literally feels to me like I won't survive whatever it is that i'm doing. That's why I chose not to start the iop today. My friend staying w/me agrees that that's for the best. I have a very stressful event that I'm working on for school that's happening tomorrow, plus i've faced a lot of other stress this week. Plus it's run by the t I don't like (i think i'll be fine with him in group format0 so if I went today i would be thinking frustrating thoughts about him rather than hearing what he's saying or focusing on what i'm supposed to get out of it.

So yeah...i'll admit it...i'm scared. But please don't tell me to face my fears. Don't tell me "it won't be that bad" or say "there's nothing to be scared of." I'm doing the best I can right now and I am fighting like hell to get better. Sometimes just being awake and present is all I can do. Some days just that is a serious fight. In a sense it's like a sickness. Some days I need to lay in bed and recover. Some days I can't actively fight.

This is more addressed to the world at large than any one person, so don't go getting offended. I just think it needs to be said. Often it seems like even the dr.s and therapists and everyone don't get it either. Everything is a struggle, and is so hard and painful and scary...that what I really need from people is just their belief that I can get through. That's all. The biggest fear of all is that I won't make it to better. That I will always hurt. That I can't move past this. Today I can only believe in getting through the day. The rest is just too much. Back to playing video games...(Oh, and the fact that I have the absolute worst cramps ever is adding to my desire to stay in one place!).