A brand new bad

I hope this post doesn't sound too sad and depressing. Definitely don't mean it to. Just noticing the very strange things happening to me right now.

Since the hospital I feel basically no suicidal thoughts or anything close to that. I don't know if it's the meds, the reality check of bein in the hospital, finally getting past my birthday, or what, but those thoughts are mostly gone. The difficult stuff is unfortunately not. But it's a different hard than the hard before.

Now, everything is a struggle and it's exhausting. I have to make very very basic goals for myself for each day (get out of bed, send an email, take a shower, etc.). The world feels incredibly overwhelming. The hospital opened up some very old wounds that I've kept very deeply hidden for a long time. That adds to the pain. I'm feeling very small and vulnerable, and everthing feels raw and exposed. I'm having intense panic attacks, even with the panic meds they gave me, and crazy paranoia. The paranoia might be because I told some of what happened, and it's been ingrained in my head for a long long time that very bad things happen when you tell.

I really don't know, and most of it is very hard to explain. However while writing this i've realized something good....a positive. I'm making goals. Before I would lay in bed and think about what I wanted to do and then say no i don't feel like it, or I can't, or whatever else. Now I'm able to see what I need to do and act on it. I'm sure it helps that I'm living with a friend who is very, very good to me rather than crazy ex-roommates that were so awful. My friend makes sure I'm taking care of myself, and she's an incredible cook so I've been eating well. I've been tryin to clean up afterwards as much as I can so I can at east add something. But she's very understanding about how hard all of this is. I think it also helps that my bed is the living room couch, so i can't really stay in bed all day bc other ppl need the space and it's weird to be laying there w/ppl comin in and out of the room and doin stuff around me. The sleeping on the couch thing was the main reason I didn't think here would be good, but turns out maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

Wish I could say more, but that's all I've got for right now. Life is just weird. Exhausting and weird. I think this is te start of the big battle, but I really really miss denial.