Friday, March 23, 2012


It's been brought to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm depriving you all of essential reading material. Sorry bout that.

Unfortunately you're going to have to continue to wait. My life is exhausting these days. I'm on spring break, and just got back from a very fun ski and visit friends trip. I was a little concerned because this was my first time seeing these friends sober, and I wasn't sure how my new self was going to do with them. Turns out I had little to worry about and I had a great time. Only problem is that now I'm way behind on sleep and am struggling to get caught up. This week is midterms at school so it's going to be a stressful one.

Emotionally I'm struggling a bit right now. I seem to be having crazy mood swings. I'm either way way up and literally skipping/running around smiling and being stupidly cheerful, or so down that I feel like I can't do anything. The middle ground seems to be lost for now and it's frustrating. I do enjoy the happy stuff but it's over the top and not sustainable.

Today the flashbacks came back with a vengeance. That scares me a little because this happens to be the day that I'm going off the flashback meds for good. I've been weening off them for a while now (they seem to be unnecessary and have crappy side effects) and this is the first time i've seen any issue. Hopefully it's just a fluke/coincidence.

That's all for now. Will write more another time. Nitey nite!

Oh more thing. Have you noticed the sobriety counter on the side of the site? Have you noticed the number? I reached, and passed, the 90 day mark. How cool is that?! I remember so well when I didn't think I could make it sober a day...or a week...everyone kept talking about the 3 month mark being this big deal of really getting somewhere in sobriety and I thought I could never make it that long. Here I am and goin' strong! :-D Though I think it might be a little related to some of my crazy thinking...because since everyone makes a big deal out of it I sorta feel like I'm supposed to be doing better than I am, or that i'm supposed to just "get it" now. Stupid, I know, but I can't help myself. Anyway, yay for 90 days! :)

Friday, March 16, 2012

Balancing out?

Not quite as happy today as I was yesterday. The emotional stuff from the move is really getting to me. Not sure why it's getting to me so much. It's not really a bad thing, it's just weighing me down a lot. The little sabotaging monkey on my back is working overtime, telling me I might as well just drink and get it over with. I'm recognizing those thoughts for what they are and choosing not to listen to them, but that kind of stuff is definitely there. Why is it so hard for me to believe that something could actually work out well for me?

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Just gratitude

One of my professors assigned for us to keep a gratitude journal over spring break. Maybe I am in the right field (not that I was questioning) perfect of an assignment is that for me? :) It helps that I'm one big ole ball of gratitude right now. I don't know where all these feelings are coming from but I just feel good about my life right now. (It's especially strange considering how overly emotional and overwhelmed I felt earlier today). Now I just feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and it's good. So here's my entry in the gratitude journal for today:

"Today I'm grateful that I've found a new safe and sober place to live. It's an added benefit that my new roommate loves to cook and often has leftovers she feels bad about wasting. That fits well with my love of eating, dislike of cooking, and general lack of funds. I'm grateful that I fully finished the moving out and cleaning of the old apartment so I can be fully done with that place. Finally, I'm grateful that I'm now living in a way that I can be proud of. Even in the midst of stress, I can look back on the day and feel good about the decisions I made and how I handled myself."

Yeah I don't recognize myself either. lol I feel like the air in the world is different or something. I swear it's the same world I was in before, but now I'm looking around wondering why everyone else isn't suddenly happier too. (And then I realize I'm becoming one of those ppl that so piss me off!) Don't worry, I'm not going to go shoving rainbows and unicorns down anyone's throat. Just want you all to know I'm happy, cheery, and almost peppy this evening. It seems the horrible blahs i've been under these last couple days are lifting now. And I think a lot of it was due to my roommate's amazing leftover sloppy joes. Yay for yummy free food! (And she's telling me I'm awesome for eating them and how relieved she is they're not going to waste. Woohoo!) And once again I prove that the quickest way to my heart really is through my stomach. :-D

Part 2

This is a continuation of last night's post, because I'm not sure I made sense then. Even if I did, I just have more to think through.

I'm realizing why this apartment is so hard for me to leave. Yes part of it is being afraid of change, being attached to the place, etc. But the real thing is how much I changed here.

When I got here I was essentially homeless. The friend I was staying with wouldn't have let me end up on the streets, but I know she was tired of having me in her living room. I was terrified. I had decided that I did want to live but I had no idea how and was afraid that I couldn't. I was going to IOP and therapy but it was so hard for me to say a word there. I was barely sleeping at all. I spent most nights in the living room doing something or other because I couldn't relax at all. As soon as I laid down I'd start panicking so I just stopped going to bed. When I did I was curled up in the corner. I was drinking every night and absolutely could not manage any kind of long-term sobriety. (Well, I think I had started an effort at sobriety since I was in IOP but it was a really half-assed effort because I didn't believe in it).

Today I'm sober for almost 3 months. I sleep more or less normal hours, and the nightmares are becoming more rare. I can think straight and rationally without the panic and craziness interrupting my thoughts. I'm not in perpetual crisis mode. I go to regular AA meetings (something I NEVER thought I'd do). I have so much more of a life well as hope for the future. I can actually visualize something positive happening in my future.

So this apartment was the site of such a huge transition. As many issues as there have been...had I not lived here I wouldn't have met my sponsor and my amazing support system. I would've missed out on so much healing. I can't just say good riddance to it. As I sit in my now empty living room, remembering coming in for the first time, it's just amazing to relive it. I've now not only recovered from the crisis that put me in the hospital, but I may just be as strong as I've ever been. I kept a level head through all of this packing and cleaning stuff. I stayed focused even through the fear. Well I'm not quite done yet, but almost. :) I feel like this move is very symbolic of graduating from this part of my life. I'm moving in to a new chapter with the new, more stable me. I'll take the lessons with me, but leave the crisis behind. It's interesting that I'm likely going to be graduating from IOP very soon as well. My life really is changing, and I'm really growing. I'm definitely in a place I never could've imagined a year ago. I guess I just need to be grateful for all the help I've been given over these months, and celebrate the progress I've made. I just can't help but be a bit emotional about it right now.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I'm currently spending my last night in my apartment. It's a strange, bittersweet feeling. This apartment has been the site of so much for me. It started (in the original apartment) as a miraculous opportunity to have my own place after being essentially homeless. Then the asbestos crisis happened, which eventually turned in to such a major tragedy and loss. In the immediate it was just a struggle to deal with change in routine. The "temporary apartment" (where I am now, for this final night, and where I lived longer than the initial apt) was so amazing and nice at first. But then it was so cold and barren feeling to me after everything it lead me to relapse. (Ok lots of stuff lead me to relapse but that sealed the deal). This has also been the place where I've gotten sober. Essentially all of my sobriety has taken place here. A part of me is gleefully celebrating the chance to get out of here. But there's also a part of me that's grown really attached to hear, because in a sense I came of age here.

It was fitting that tonight is wednesday and I was able to go to my grandparent meeting. My grandparent meeting is one at a retirement home, and is made up of almost entirely people at least twice my age. It's also a place that means so much to me, as it was the first meeting that I ever really went to. I had been to a couple of others, but I snuck in late and left early so I didn't have to talk to anyone. This is the first one where I actually came in, sat down, and talked to people. I think it was less threatening than others because they were all very grandparent types. They took me in and were so kind to me. Now they've seen me make the transition from quiet, terrified, and refusing to say much of anything, to my current stable, sober self. The meeting has been a little boring the last few weeks, but tonight almost all the regulars were there and it was a really great meeting. I announced that I was moving and got an awwwww from everyone (not sure if that's the right spelling of aww for the aw we'll miss We all talked afterwards about how we're going to miss each other. They said they've really liked seeing the transition in me. It made me realize just how much they really helped me. I rag on the meeting sometimes, especially lately, because it is sometimes a little dull (they've all been sober a long time so they aren't dealing w/the immediate issues I am), but it really has done a lot for me. I'll never forget that first meeting with them. I cried my eyes out and sat there terrified, thinking I can't believe I'm actually here doing this. But they accepted me and were so kind.

I want to do something for them to thank them, but I really don't know what I could do. I do know that I can stay sober, and really that's the best thing I can offer them. I know it would let them down after they've seen me be so successful to hear about me out drinking. Just one more reason to do the right thing.

Please say a prayer for me for's going to be a race to get everything moved out and cleaned up before class. I don't feel like I have all that much to do but these things always seem to take longer than you think. Please say a prayer that I can get it done, that I can deal with all the errands I need to, and that I can do it without completely tearing my hair out. Thanks!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Deafening Quiet

I made the move today. I didn't realize just how loud my apartment complex was until I got here. I'm now in this quiet neighborhood, and it was just unbelievable when I walked outside. It's an absolutely beautiful night...clear and about 60 degrees. Feels like summer, not mid-march, but I'll take it.

Everything took way longer than expected. I guess I should've expected that it would. Moving ALWAYS takes a long time, and longer than you think it will. I thought since I don't have much stuff now I could have it packed up in a couple hours and spend the rest of the day cleaning. Instead it took me all day to do the packing and loading the car. So I'll be going back tomorrow after iop to do the cleaning. It's a really good thing I told them I'd be moving thursday even though I'd planned on being out of there today. Hmm I guess in some ways I did know it'd take longer than I expected. :)

I do have to say I'm proud of myself today. I really struggled to get started this morning. Because of all my fears about moving that little voice in my head was telling me to wait til thursday to really put in any work. But I managed to push through it and put some really good work in with only a few little breaks. But the part that I'm really proud about...I was telling myself for a lot of the day that I would move stuff in but I would still spend the night at the apartment. But it hit me that that was totally a fear thing. The new place is way closer to school (had my evening class today) and way closer to iop which I will have in the morning. It made no sense to drive all the way out to the apartment tonight. I realized that I need to start seeing the new place as home, and that I have to just jump in. So I did, and that's where I am now.

I just have to say, I LOVE BEING CLEAR HEADED!!! :) Not just sober, but my mind has calmed down enough in so many ways that I can actually see what is going on (the fear), and deal with it. I can take care of what I need to do with so much better focus. Yes I did have my mind wandering times today, but for the most part I really stuck with what I needed to do. Overall it showed a lot of good things for me. Oh, and being off the medication I mentioned yesterday is AMAZING! The doctor had warned me that it would probably take at least a few days to feel any different (and I thought that was a short time...I was thinking weeks), but I already feel sooooooo much better today. The aggravating and almost painful restlessness and fidgetiness is nearly GONE! I don't have that feeling of being constantly physically uncomfortable to some degree. I hope this isn't a dream or some sort of weird coincidence because I'm really really liking what I'm seeing. And so far (knock on wood), I haven't seen any negative affects from not taking it. :)

Monday, March 12, 2012


I got some great news from my doctor today!

I've been really fidgety lately...really bad to the point where I just physically can't sit still at all (I've always been fidgety, I have ADD after all, but NOTHING like this). I asked him if this could be a side effect from meds and he said this kind of restlessness is a fairly common side effect of one of the meds I'm on. This is really good news because it means that at least I know where it's coming from and I know I'm not going crazy. It's hard to explain but it's a really bizarre my body goes crazy if I can't move, kind of like an itch I can't scratch, so it's good to know there's a reason for it. When the dr. described the side effect it fit perfectly.

So that's the good news. The even better news is that my dr thinks it's ok to lessen the dose and eventually get me off of it all together. Now that I'm in a more stable place, it's been frustrating for me to be on so many different meds. I mean I'm quitting drinking but yet taking all these pills every day! Yes I know the difference between self-medicating and working w/a doctor, and I'm definitely not opposed to meds overall, but I'm on a lot right now. I've talked w/the dr about this before and he said he wanted me to get some more sober time before we change anything to make sure I'm not pushed towards self-medicating. Soooo...his being willing to reduce my dose is a huge vote of confidence in my ability to stay sober and have the presence of mind to deal with my panic attacks and flashbacks when they do come up. (This med is for was an absolute wonder drug when I was in crisis while inpatient, but less necessary now. My flashbacks are still tough to deal with, but they aren't terrifying now and don't take me away completely like they did before. Now I can be rational enough to know what to do to take care of myself even in the midst of them. Yay!) I think this is a big sign of how far I've come. Oh, and by the way this is day 80 on the sobriety front. How's that for exciting? :)

The other great news about all of this is that apparently one of the other very common side effects for this med is weight gain. That's something I've been having major issues with lately and it's been really depressing. I've been trying to work out more and eat at least decently well but it seems like the pants just keep getting tighter. I know I'm not fully healthy with food and exercise, but it never occurred to me that that could be related to the meds either. So I'm getting less pills to take, (hopefully) an end to the painful fidgety stuff, possible weight loss, and a big vote of confidence in both my sobriety and my ability to handle my own thoughts. Yay! Of course I would love some good thoughts/prayers/vibes/etc. that this all works out in a positive way and the decrease doesn't affect me negatively.

I feel really good today. For the first time ever I'm feeling truly grateful for my sober life.

Tomorrow is moving day. I'm excited but a bit nervous. I haven't slept much for the last few nights, I'm thinking because my thoughts have been racing. I feel mostly at peace about the decision on the outside, but there's a lot of those nagging little subconscious fears...mainly that if I make any big changes right now the recovery that i've built is going to come crashing down. I know that's not the case, but I've got this great foundation built now, I'm scared to risk knocking any beams loose! I'll let ya'll know how it goes.

Thursday, March 8, 2012


There's some big stuff happening right now. Big changes.

It looks like I'm going to be moving out of my current apartment and in with a friend. I just told this friend that I want to today and now I'm kind of freaking out about it. It's across town from my little community I'm building for myself. I'll still be able to get to some of the meetings i'm going to now, but they'll be a 30 min. drive rather than 5. Also I'll be giving up the independence of living alone, which i've come to really enjoy even though it freaked me out at first. Plus, it's change. And change scares me right now. I've moved plenty of times in my life...I've lived in many different states and refer to myself as a nomad. So really this kind of thing isn't new to me, but right now with my life being in such a state of major change it feels much more threatening. And, if I'm going to be able to make this work, I have to move VERY soon. Like on Tuesday. But despite my concerns and current freaking out, this seems like it was meant to be and I'm trying to keep reminding myself of that. Let me explain some of the good here:

*I had started apartment hunting because I was tired of all the issues with my current place. But it was stressful. Apartment hunting always is. But this time I said a prayer (learning about this relying on the higher power thing) and I felt this amazing feeling of peace, that the right place would show up at the right time, and I would know it's right. That very day I spoke to my friend S, who told me she had a room for rent but all the people she was finding through Craigslist were creeps. Wow.

*The new place is in a much better location for getting to school and to the clinic. Easy drive, and possibly even bike-able when the weather gets warmer. Plus it's very close to easy public transportation, especially for getting to campus. I'll save a lot on gas.

*Rent is cheaper that I'm currently paying, and utilities are WAY cheaper. More money saved.

*This friend is in AA. (We didn't meet through AA...we met elsewhere and then found out at random we were both AA'ers...another weird coincidence in all of this). I'll be in a sober place, and have the support of another alcoholic. She'll understand some of my "quirks," or at least be more likely to than most. And, I'll have someone to introduce me to meetings in the new area and we can encourage each other to go.

*Speaking of meetings...this part is crazy. This new place is VERY close (less than a mile away) from an AA club. It just so happens to be the club I spent nearly all of Christmas Eve at after my relapse. For those that don't know the story, I relapsed right before Christmas Eve, and I ended up calling the AA hotline knowing I was in trouble but not knowing how to stop. I ended up talking to a woman for quite a while that night, and we met at a meeting the next morning so I'd have somewhere to go and stay out of trouble. She introduced me to some other ppl there too. We've stayed in touch since, and she's been a huge source of support for me. I've already called her and told her the news and she offered to meet me at a meeting on and help me ease the transition. So it seems meant to be because it happens to be close to the one other AA spot I have any connection with anywhere. Definitely a sign, right? What's also hitting me is that had I not relapsed, I wouldn't have any connection to this club and the move would be scarier. So maybe my higher power was looking out for me even then. Not that he/she wanted me to relapse, but it seems like he/she used my relapse to help me find the right people.

Pretty cool, right? Stuff falling in to place. I'm thinking maybe this is what the 3rd step is all about...trusting my life to a higher power. Somehow, when you're open to it and ready for it, stuff manages to work out. I'm still totally freaked out by all this, and worried about being away from the social circle i'm just barely starting to develop...but god seems to be telling me this is where I'm meant to be. And if it comes to it, there's no lease or anything attached to this so if it doesn't go well I can go back to the apartment hunt for next month.

Would love some prayers and good thoughts this way if you don't mind!


I'm thankful for my higher power that seems to be looking out for me. :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


I'm finding my way out of the downward spiral.

Monday was a very dark day. I had a fall out of sorts with my sponsor...mostly due to my own trust issues. I don't want to go into details now, but I'll try to give a quick version.

Basically, i'm realizing how much I'm relying on my sponsor and it scares the shit outta me. I have all sorts of abandonment fears, and I know right now I'd be lost w/out her. Combine that with the fact that i'm getting to a point in the aa program which involves getting in to some more personal stuff. I just got scared. I tried to be willing but on monday when i met w/my sponsor I panicked. I was supposed to start sharing some of the stuff I'd written but instead I just got scared she would leave me if I did. Then I got stuck between wanting to beg her to stay and also wanting to push her away to keep myself "safe." The end result was that I couldn't seem to get any words out, and she essentially told me to come back when I was ready. That really freaked me out because in my head I was losing her.

I flipped out. I went home and cried my eyes out. But this is where the grown-up part comes in. My gut reaction was to get pissed, say fuck it, and swear off aa and recovery all together. But instead I talked/vented to a friend, went for a long walk, and then went to my meeting that night even though I really didn't want to. That got me through the night though I still felt lost and scared. Tuesday I talked to some ppl online on some different recovery sites to get some ideas/advice. One person asked me if I was going to drink over it. I said I didn't know. She told me to decide and stick with it. So I did. I decided I wasn't going to drink over it. I spent the rest of Tuesday focusing on homework, though I was still pissed and ignored my sponsor's calls when she called in the afternoon. After class I felt lonely and managed to call someone I've been talking to a bit more after meetings. She was incredibly kind and supportive, and made me feel like I had a safety net in the midst of the downward spiral. She got me calm and regrouped enough that I was able to answer when my sponsor called late that night (3rd time in a day...weird). We didn't talk much but at least we talked.

Today I gave it more thought and started to come to terms with exactly how I'm feeling and why. (it's one of those things that I understand logically how it's related to my past but it still makes it hard to change). I decided I would talk to Stupidface about it during my afternoon appt. with him but during my lunch time decided it was important to find a time to talk to her and at least figure out where we stand since we're at this weird stale mate thing. So I called sponsor and asked if we could meet later in the afternoon and she said yes. Stupidface and I discussed how to talk about it with her, though he said he was impressed at how well I was able to verbalize it on my own.

To make a long story slightly less long...I met with her and even though I did it verbal diarrhea style I was able to be brave and get out what I needed to. We came to an agreement that works for both of us and I feel much better about it. I feel much calmer than I have in a long time. It's actually pretty amazing considering how desperate I felt just 2 days ago.

Looking back, I'm really proud of myself that I took the grown-up route. I didn't go out and drink at anyone. I didn't yell or scream or say mean things to anyone. I didn't do anything to hurt myself. I was rational, came up with solutions to get out of the depths, and I never gave up.

Stupidface and I have been talking about how a part of me only knows how to get attention through being the victim. It's pretty cool to look back and see that I stood up for myself and did the right thing.

I'm grateful for my sponsor's understanding of me even when I feel like she really doesn't get it. Even though she scared the hell out of me, I think she does get that I need a little extra reassurance. She now understands how scared I am to share with her the stuff that I'm writing, and is now willing to agree that it's ok for me to read just one word if that's all I can do. As long as I'm willing. Even when she drives me crazy I do have a good sponsor.

Monday, March 5, 2012


I realize it's been a long time since i've posted here. Just wanted to let ya'll know I'm still alive and sober. I'm not doing well right now. I can't go in to it now but I'm going down a bad path. I know I am, I can feel it, but I don't know how to stop the plunge. I'm trapped in a big downward spiral and I can't get out.