Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Sick day

Wow once again it's been almost a month since I've blogged.  I was doing better there for a while but I guess I lost track.  And then I wonder why no one reads this thing! lol  I "write" a lot in my head, but by the time I get home and can sit down to actually put it "on paper" i'm too tired or I've forgotten.  Plus things seem to make so much more sense in my head than they do when I try to say them out loud.  That's probably why when I've tried to go to therapy it's never worked out, because actual talking and expressing myself doesn't seem to work for me.  Anyway, today I'm sick and my head protests loudly if I attempt to be anywhere close to vertical.  I slept a lot, and have now been curled up with my laptop watching tv.  But I've run out of stuff to watch, especially since due to the olympics there aren't even any online re-runs to catch up on from the last month.  I was catching up on some blog reading and figured I'd do some writing too (though I can only manage so much of that before my head complains at it too).  I'm frustratingly bored, but also totally worn out.

Anyway...a quick update of life for the birdie.  I'm back in school for my last and final semester of classes.  After this I'll just have my internship and then i'll officially graduate.  I'm supposed to be doing internship applications this week but I can't think straight at the moment so I'm limited in that.  Internship applications are like applying for college all over again.  Each one has their own process and requirements.  I thought it was just going to be sending my resume out to a bunch of places like I do when job hunting, but these all have supplemental questions....everything from "What do you want to learn in this internship?" to "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"  I haven't found any that are too totally crazy yet, but had I realized how different each one was I would've started earlier.  Ok or maybe I would've just stressed sooner, I'm still quite the procrastinator.  Lots of the applications are due at the end of this week.  I'm trying to do what I can and trust that my higher power will help me find where I'm meant to be.

I got an email yesterday that softball is starting up next week.  That totally caught me off guard because I'm still very focused on teaching skiing on the weekends.  I'm still in serious winter mode so it's hard to picture softball.  I was going to say the weather is warming up but I guess it's snowing again today so who knows.

Wow I guess my life is really boring if the best I can come up with to talk about is the weather.  It's a good boring though.  My brother's wife is going to be having their 2nd baby soon.  I applied for an internship in their state, but I haven't told them yet in case I don't get it.  I would love to be close to them though.  My nephew (who I was lucky enough to live with for his first 6 months) is already 3.5, so I would love to be close to him and I don't want to miss any of my new little niece or nephew's early life.

I just got a new job coaching soccer at an after school program at an elementary school.  It's a cool gig...it's for at risk kids, to get them active and involved in a new sport, and give them a safe place to be after school.  I coached soccer once a long time ago, but it's not something I know a whole lot about.  It is something I love though.  I got turned down from A LOT of jobs before finding this one.  This one definitely sounded like the most fun of all of them.  The hours are very, very limited but it's much better than no job.

Mental health wise I'm doing well.  My psychiatrist was talking about making big changes to my meds which had me worried, but after some small changes things seem to be leveling out.  I'm sleeping MUCH better, and actually getting 7 hours/night on a regular basis.  That is absolutely huge for me.  I used to get maybe 3 hours/night with 5 being the best I could hope for.  Then I moved up to averaging 5-6 hrs/night and really didn't think it could get better than that.  So 7 is genuinely blissful.  I'm really worried that staying in bed all day and sleeping so much like I've been doing today is going to mess that up, but it does seem to be what my body needs for healing purposes.  I've been trying to be active and outside as much as possible every day to encourage sleep.  For some reason I'm way better at sleeping during the day than at night.

Being sick is rough for me...but not in the typical way you might think.  The biggest issue I'm having right now is that when I get stressed out or anxious and wanting to avoid something I can pretty easily "create" physical symptoms.  I refer to it as being sick when I just emotionally can't handle being out in the world, because sick is a term that people can understand.  And really it is sick...it's just a mental health sick day rather than physical.  I'm doing much, much better, but there are still definitely days where it's hard for me to get up and get going to face the world.  On those days I'm learning new ways to push through it, and as soon as I get going I tend to feel much better.  Now with this I'm torn between pushing through it and trying to convince myself I'm not sick, or accepting that I am sick and letting my body recover.  It probably sounds ridiculous but it's really hard for me to tell the difference.  What I do know is that my sinuses are very stuffed up and I'm 99% sure that I can't subconsciously create buggers.  My sponsor had something really similar to this and she left work early one day and then missed the whole next day of work to sleep.  In the almost 2 years I've known her I've almost never known her to take a sick day, so that's saying something.

I'm working on anger/stress management so I hopefully have less of those too hard to get out of bed days.  I'm still working on finding ways to do it, but I'm taking a weekly boxing class (along with other fitness classes) which helps.  And I've lost 12 lbs so far this year! :)  I'm realizing that I still have a lot of deep down past stuff that I thought I was past (no pun intended) that's still badly getting in the way of how I'm dealing with things.  I didn't realize how much they were an issue until I started talking to my sponsor about it and out of the blue started crying.  The problem is that I still have anger floating around somewhere but I don't know how to deal with it, so it ends up coming out in really stupid ways.  I'm peaceful most of the time and then I'm suddenly exploding at someone over a tiny little mistake.  But I'm realizing that even though I've forgiven the people that hurt me, i'm still angry at what happened to me and how my life went.  That seems to actually be harder than being angry at those that hurt me because it's this target-less anger.  It just...floats there.  There's no one and nothing to be mad AT anymore, but I'm still mad.  And there's no resolution that i'm looking for that would make it ok again.  It's not like I'm looking for anyone to apologize or anything, and I know I can't change the past.  But I still don't know how to let something so big go.  I don't know how not to be angry that I was never a valued, wanted child...that I don't have a safe, happy home to go back to or fun childhood memories to share with people....that I lived in fear and pain.  I know it's over, and I know I have a good life now, but I want to be mad for that little girl that didn't get those things.  If anyone happens to be reading and has any ideas on how to deal with this kind of thing, please let me know!

Anyway, I thought I had more interesting stuff to say, but I guess not.  Thank you for joining me on the tour through my boring life. :)


I'm very, very, very grateful for life.  That's all.  Even while sick I'm just glad I get to be on this planet and experience being alive.  There's a lot of really, really amazing stuff out there. :)