Stuff

Today has been a surprisingly good day, all things considered. I'll first just say that yesterday was AWFUL! It was basically one giant, unbelievably intense and painful panic attack. I went to both of my classes yesterday but in the first I was too panicky and dizzy to get much out of it. In the second, which is about therapeutic techniques, we were going through (and actually doing) some exercises that hit waaaaaaay too close to home for what I've had going on lately. I cried off and on for the entire class period (3 hours...ugh). I ended up getting my computer out to talk to ppl and play games, just to distract my mind enough to keep from sobbing. After that I went home and drank, because the meds weren't working for me AT ALL and I was just so stressed and exhausted from it that I had to make it stop. I know a lot of ppl think I need to quit drinking, and you may be right....but I had had enough and had run out of options as far as I could see. (Think about crying, being short of breath, dizzy, disconnected from reality, shaking so much your whole body hurts, and having a feeling of terror deep inside you all day long. Yeah it was bad).

Anyway...on to today. :)

I'm leaving this evening to go see my baby nephew which I'm super excited about. Still, travel is always stressful, and especially now when I kinda have to explain myself and answer questions about what happened and all that. (People seem to take it personally when you're considering suicide and didn't call them or anything. I guess I can see where they're coming from but it's still frustrating). Anyway, I'm leaving right after class, so I had to get everything packed up for my trip and for school and be out of the house before 8:00 to get to the pharmacy to pick up my meds before class. And I almost made it too. Left by 8:10. Yay! :)

I need to start getting over my fear of hospitals since everything for the outpatient program (including the pharmacy) is at the hospital. I was panicking pretty bad but talked to a good friend and got through. Actually was panicking bad enough that I had to have her talk to me all the way to school cus I was getting so distracted and disorienting I was headed away from school rather than towards it. It was a tough conversation and a lot of bad thoughts were brewing.

I was terrified to go to class, since class makes my panic attacks so much worse since i'm "locked" in a small room with lots of people, most of them strangers. That doesn't help calming. But ppl keep tellin me I need to get used to a routine and I need to show my profs I'm making an effort so I went. Had my computer with me to have an escape.

This was my first "real" class with this prof (it's only once/week and the first week was an intro, second week I missed), and it turns out she talks incredibly fast! I was trying to take notes and realized there was no way I could keep up with notes while having my computer out so I put it away. Turns out the fast talking was amazing for me cus it made me fight to catch every word and take notes, cus she didn't repeat anything. I realized that I was actually getting stuff! I wasn't just present, and I definitely wasn't getting it all, but I was all there in the class, and actually learning. About half way through I realized I was hungry. My body has been so out of whack lately that I've had to force myself to eat. But I had calmed down enough that I was actually hungry. I got a croissant and a banana during the break and ate them both. My list of accomplishments continued:

Finished a breakfast
Made it through the entire class w/out my computer and w/out losin it
Faced going to the health center to see if they could get me in w/a psychiatrist while I'm waiting for the outpatient program to get me fully in (they couldn't, but at least I went in and asked)
Challenged the insurance office at the school about my insurance issues (more on that later, but a HUGE thing for me to do)
Called the guy I met with for the BFSI to ask him some questions
Ate lunch (yes a second real meal! had a subway sandwich)
Bought the rest of my books that I need (big committment to the future kind of thing there).

It was a BIG day for me in terms of taking care of business and looking towards the future....as well as being willing to keep fighting through this. I didn't believe in a million years that after yesterday I'd get results like this so quickly.

Now this afternoon has been a bit more stressful. Turns out that while I was still looking for the classroom (they'd changed locations last week but no one had told me and there was no sign) it had been announced that we didn't have afternoon lab. So I wouldn't have really had to have been sprinting around campus like I was. Then again maybe the time crunch was good for me to focus. And at least there was one other girl who also didn't hear the announcement so I wasn't the only lost and confused one. This prof makes announcements as fast as she talks about other stuff so it's really hard to make sure you get all the info. Though now I have a few hours of downtime before I leave, and i'm already out of bed and out of the house, so maybe I'll actually do something good for me. The only bummer is that had I known during class this morning that lab was cancelled I could've gone to the group session I really wanted to try at the outpatient program (I gotta come up with a better name for this program!) Granted I'm not sure I would've actually gone to the group, but the fact that I actually looked at the schedule after I found out class was cancelled has got to be a positive thing, right? A little bit of hope sneaking in there?

Speaking of which, when I called the guy I did the BFSI with, I found out they've assigned me to my long term t (therapist). I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's good in the sense that it's something concrete. The first guy kept telling me that he would be with me until I was assigned to someone else or maybe longer, so a lot of questions were in the air. But I felt comfortable with him...I felt like he really cared and was willing to help me and be an advocate for me in getting things done (It sounds like he may have gotten me a psychiatrist appt. for pretty soon. Yay! Lots of med questions.) So I'm hoping this other guy will be good too. First guy said he had a specific someone in mind for me that has lots of experience dealing with trauma like mine. I'm assuming this is that guy. It's just more unknown stuff though and it's making me nervous. Not fully panicked yet, just really nervous when I think about it.

Guess that's all for now. Maybe I'll actually do some homework. I have yet to do any since the semester started 3 weeks ago. Most of my books (the ones I couldn't buy used) are still all shrink-wrapped even though I've been carrying them around with me! lol