Anyone noticed that lil sobriety counter on the side of this site? Today it reads 735 days! Holy crap! That's a lot of days! After not coming to the site for a while and then returning to it I was shocked to see that I was in the 700's. For someone who truly didn't believe that I could go a day without a drink to numb the pain I was in, the fact that I've gone more than 700 days without a drink and am still doing ok (actually doing pretty well) is beyond incredible. It's unbelievable. It makes me believe in miracles, because I can't explain it any other way. My higher power gave me a way out, and for that I am so, so grateful.
So, for those that don't have their calculators handy, 735 days is just a little over 2 years. On 12/24, Christmas Eve, I had my official 2 year birthday. I know some people get confused when I call it my birthday, but I've never liked celebrating the day I was born. But the day I entered in to recovery feels like the day I truly entered life for the first time. Though I had no idea what I was getting in to at the time, it was the start of an incredible journey. It was the start of truly living rather than running and hiding. It was the start of being able to feel things, good and bad, without falling apart or needing to instantly numb it. It was the start of having real, genuine friends. I could go on and on. I got to chair the meeting on my birthday, and the topic I gave was on gifts we've gotten from sobriety (since it is the holiday season after all). We all agreed that we could talk for hours on all the gifts. Where I am now would've been beyond my wildest dreams when I started this deal. When I came in, all I wanted was to not be completely miserable. I would've never dreamed that I could be truly happy. The problems I have now are nothing compared to back then.
But the funny thing is, the circumstances of my life haven't changed all that much. Yes I have way more friends now, and I have a place to turn to for support, but mostly it's been a matter of learning new perspective and coping skills for the life I already have. I'm learning to find happiness from within, rather than from outside circumstances beyond my control. I have a connection to the world around me that I've never had before, as well as a connection to the spiritual world that I always sought in one way or another but could never grasp. I used to think I had nothing to be grateful for, but now as ya'll know I can write a gratitude list a mile long.
I will say it's been a tough year. A lot of work went in to this. I think the first year was all about just learning how to function again. This year has been much more about getting to know myself, and it hasn't always been pretty. But the amazing thing is that now when I deal with something, I'm actually dealing and not just burying it away. That means that once it's gone it's actually gone. It's unbelievably painful at times, but now I have hope, and faith, and I know the pain will pass. I'm excited to see what the next year will bring, especially because the holidays are finally done, so hopefully my brain will start returning to normal again.
(I try to like the holidays...really I do. But they bring up a lot of old shit for me, which brings up a lot of my old bad habits of being terrified everyone is going to abandon me and that no one really likes me and yada yada. But hopefully moving past that now! lol)
In honor of my new found ability to feel I leave you with this clip from The Grinch, which I happened to watch on Christmas. I hadn't seen the movie in a long while and had forgotten this scene....so when I saw it this time I about fell off the couch I was laughing so hard!