First off, I hope I didn't give the impression from my post last night that yesterday was all bad. It wasn't. The particular moment when I was writing was, but the day itself held some very promising stuff.
First, I managed to make it to the art group thing. It was a little hard to get to because it was in a different building on a different part of the hospital campus. When I finally found my way there they told me I had to go back to the other building because I didn't have the right paperwork. Went back to the other building and had to stand in a hugely long line to get said paperwork. Everyone kept saying they were surprised I didn't know about the paperwork. Turns out it's all to prove that I went to the group, since most ppl that go to groups have tx plans that require them to. No one could seem to wrap their mind around the fact that I was choosing to go because I thought it would be good for me and would help me. The therapist running the group said that showed a lot of initiative and that I really am working to get better, which was cool.
It turns out the art group isn't so much of a group but more just an art studio where you can work on whatever you want to. I did some watercolor painting bc that's still my favorite thing to do...especially when I'm emotional. I like it because the color blends well so you can put a lot of crazy colors together to paint what you feel without it necessarily having to look like something.
The art stuff calmed me down enough to be hungry so I ran out and got something for lunch. Came back and met w/the new therapist.
I was surprised w/the new t in that I actually sorta kinda liked him (and for me, when it comes to t's, that's a HUGE positive review!). He was really nice when I met him and just had the sort of personality where it felt easy to be around him. I was waiting for him to turn "t-like" but he never did. I actually felt comfortable in his office and wasn't counting down the minutes till I could leave. Instead I ended up going over time totally by accident, and would've happily stayed longer if he'd let me. I actually felt so comfortable there I was scared and upset to have to leave and go back to facing the outside world.
He seemed to get me and get my humor too, which was cool. He wasn't bothered by me making bad and possibly inappropriate jokes as a way of getting things out and dealing with it being out there. He laughed along with me and never told me I shouldn't joke or that I needed to be serious or any of that. He made some jokes as well which helped make it feel ok.
I showed him my painting and explained to him what all the colors meant. He totally shocked me in coming up with a really interesting meaning that I hadn't thought of at all when painting it or looking at it afterwards. It really impressed me cus I didn't think anyone would really be able to "add" to a painting that basically looks like lots of random colors and is based from my subconcious and my explanation of my feelings. But he did, and what he said made a lot of sense. Like scarily so. I'm working on posting the pic here so I can explain what he said, but at the moment having issues w/pics (don't have my camera right now and my phone is fussy about taking pics).
Towards the end of the session I sorta fell apart telling him how scary and awful this week has been, and how I don't want to be alone waiting another week. I asked him for anything else I can do...groups I can go to, ppl I can see, whatever....just more therapeutic type stuff cus an hour is just not long enough. It feels just long enough to bring more stuff out (and EVERYTHING seems to want to come out right now) but not long enough to start to process it.
He looked through the group schedule and said that really the only group that's fitting for me right now is the art one. It's offered on other days too but during times I have class.
He then mentioned that there's something called the IOP....intensive outpatient program. That's kind of what I thought the program I'm in would be but it turns out it's seperate. The IOP meets MWF mornings from 9-12 (or something like that...don't remember exact times). It's run by the t I saw (who is now my t long-term, which is cool), so that gives me a good feeling about it. It also seems like it was meant to be because my important classes are tuesday and thursday. I have a class Friday too, but he said it would be ok for me to just do monday and wednesday.
But there's a couple of catches:
1. I have to commit to it. It's not the kind of thing that you can just show up to now and then. As much as I know I need the help, that's a big scary thing to commit to.
2. I would have to commit to being totally sober.
I know some of you out there are bothered by my drinking, and frankly so am I. But the thing is (and my t, who is a substance abuse counselor agreed with this), is that alcohol isn't what caused my problems. Instead alcohol has been the only solution right now that actually, successfully calms me down and gets me out of total panic mode. It seems to be the only thing that can get the craziness to stop and to calm me down enough to sleep.
We talked about how much i'm drinking, and t guy said that he thinks it's a very high risk behavior for me right now and I need to be super careful, but he doesn't think that telling me I need to quit right now is the right thing. He and I agreed that I need to have some other successful sort of coping before I give it up entirely so I don't just make myself crazy again. Too much panic and not being able to calm down will definitely lead to crazy and back to the really bad thoughts I think.
But this has all gotten me thinking. Maybe, if I had intensive support 3 days/week I could successfully cope without it. But it's a catch 22 that in order to get that intensive support I have to have already committed to quitting. Also, unless I drop my friday class, I would only be able to go 2 days/week, which wouldn't be enough for me to make it sober.
The friday class is definitely droppable. It's a very generic class that I could take anywhere, even at a community college, so it's not the kind of thing that I have to do now or it'll put me way back in my program. I like the class, and I liked the prof at first, but now she's starting to get on my nerves. She's very laid back, which is nice, but I'm starting to feel like she's laid back to a fault. Her class is very unpredictable...you never quite know what is going to happen when and even though there is some structure, it has the feeling of being random. Also the design of this particular class isn't really set up for my major, more for others, but they've squeezed in my major as well because there isn't really a better option at this school. So most of the instruction is focused on secondary ed. majors, which god help me if I ever end up standing in front of a class of highschoolers teaching biology! lol
So hence the going without a drink last night. I wanted to see what would happen and how my body would handle it. It was really really rough, but my friend I'm staying with made me some calming tea, I read the new book I bought (which seems to be a really good one, I'll have to post on it later), and I was able to watch America's Got Talent till I fall asleep. God I love that show for falling asleep. There's so much crap in between acts it almost always knocks me out when I'm tired enough!
So it is possible for me to make a night w/out it but I definitely felt lousy then and feel lousy now. So it's doable, but it would be a lot.
My t said he'd work on getting me an appt with a psychiatrist asap so I can get on better anxiety meds. The ones i'm on now really don't do much at all except make me sleepy and put my brain in a fog. I guess it reduces my anxiety somewhat, but it makes me pretty well useless as a human being. I do stupid things like try to put my plate in the fridge and rinse out the butter after I make toast. There have been countless examples of that kind of thing on these meds! Funny to think back on, but so frustrating too. If I can get on some better anxiety meds I would consider dropping my friday class and committing to sobriety. However I also have to confirm with the school that dropping another class won't cause any additional issues for me. 9 credits seems to be the mark when you become a full time student, and dropping this class would put me below that. I also have to get over feeling like a failure or like i'm quitting/giving up by dropping it. Then again, spending 3 hours 3 times/week working on myself is way harder than any class is going to be if you ask me!
The strangely good news is that I already missed the deadline for dropping a class and getting a refund. The reason that is good is because there is no immediate deadline. The next deadline is to drop the class w/out it messing up my transcript, and that's not until 10/31. So I won't be getting my money back, but I'll have some time to think about it and talk it out w/official school ppl and both my t's. (How crazy that I have 2 now? lol) I'm still seeing my school t and will be able to as long as I'm taking at least one class, but only for 8 sessions total. She may be able to help me figure out this new dilemma though.
So that's life as it stands now...big decisions and a lot to work out. All I can say is it's amazing how busy my days feel even when I'm doing so little from day to day! I'm not working and only taking 3 classes and yet I feel like I have no free time. Probably because any free time (and some class time...lol) is focused on trying to make sense of the confusion in my head.
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