Disabled

I just got done with a meeting at the disability center for my school. My t at school suggested that I go talk to them.

It was a very strange experience. There were many questions related to, "How does your disability affect _____?"

My disability? Weird.

They asked me to describe my disability. I didn't know how to answer.

I've never really thought of what I'm dealing with right now as a disability. Yes, it's absolutely disabling. But I've always seen it as my inability to figure shit out. Disability changes things, though I'm not sure how.

They offered me a lot of services...though I'm not sure if I'm going to use them. I now have the option to take a test in a separate quiet room so I'm less distracted. I can get a peer note taker to take notes for me so I can still get all the info even if I lose focus. I can now take breaks as much as I need to during class if I feel myself starting to panic. There's others as well...

All nice things, but strange to think about actually taking advantage of. The note taker thing is anonymous....whoever volunteers will drop the notes off at the disability center and won't know who they're taking notes for unless I choose to tell them. They get a $20 gift certificate at the end of the semester, so it's a nice deal for them too. Ironically it's a deal I would've taken in a heartbeat when I was actually doing well with school. Ok maybe not, considering that few people can read my handwriting and I tend to take notes in a way that doesn't make sense to a lot of ppl.

Taking the tests elsewhere is a nice idea, and one that I may use because during my test today I did really struggle to stay focused. I was one of the last people done because I had to do so much self "coaching" just to stay engaged with what I was trying to do and not get lost. But then again I liked having the time afterwards to talk w/others and hear how they did and what they thought of the test. Also, I was able to ask the prof. some important questions that I wouldn't have been able to taking it separately. But really, I think it all comes down to not wanting to be different. I don't know that I'm ready to admit that this thing is getting the better of me right now.

It's the same with taking extra breaks. There have been times where I just absolutely cannot handle being in class. The panic and everything else is just too great. During those times I've taken out my computer and played simple games just to make sure i'm at least staying present. I really haven't gotten anything out of class during those times and have thought about how it would be so nice to be able to just leave the classroom for a bit and sit in a quiet corner to recover before I go back in. So now I have "official" permission to do that. But will I? I always sit in the back of the class because having people behind me tends to get my panic stuff going. The problem is that all the classrooms have doors at the front of the classroom. Can't exactly leave discretely. If I'm already panicking I don't want to have to walk in front of the whole class and have everyone looking at me wondering what I'm doing. Everyone looking is only going to make things worse. Likely, no one will even care much what i'm doing or why i'm leaving, but in my head it's a big deal. When you're already panicked, or in the start of a flashback or whatever else, the last thing you want is a large group of people staring at you.

It also comes back to me not wanting to be different. I want to make it on my own. I want to be strong enough. Logically I can understand that accepting help does not mean I'm weak or that I'm not doing something right. But there's a big part of my brain that isn't logical and feels like this is admitting defeat. It feels like this is saying "I can't." Also, calling it a disability makes it feel much bigger. In a sense I guess I like that because "bad memories" is something you "just get over," but a disability is serious...right? It also makes me wonder if i'm somehow using the system. Maybe it is something I'm meant to just get over but I'm using stuff put there for ppl who really need it so that I can have it a little easier. It's possible. I know I'm dealing with more than most right now, but how do I know how bad it "really" is?

I don't know...just another weird, confusing chapter in my life right now.

Oh...and almost forgot to add so I'll say it here....another crappy part to all of this is again having to tell someone how messed up I am. I had to tell a prof a whole bunch yesterday to explain why I need to miss another class when I've already missed 4. Now today I had to explain it to the disability intake person. It just sucks. Yes I have panic attacks and flashbacks and thought about killing myself and yada yada. As much as it's always present in my mind right now it sucks to have to explain to the outside world how bad it is. :(