Life is weird...

Ya know those "Life is Good" shirts? I want one of those with someone looking completely and utterly confused with the "Life is Weird" slogan. I wonder if something like that exists. It's definitely how I feel. Everything's weird right now.

First off, a couple more things from yesterday that I forgot to mention:

I made my goal and walked for 25 minutes in the morning. Yaaay! Glad I got it in then because it rained like crazy in the afternoon. I didn't go for a walk today but I had a ton of walking with going to classes, going to school therapist, etc. so i'm sure I covered a couple of miles or close to it.

I'm also doing pretty well w/my eating goal. Yesterday I had a granola bar for breakfast (breakfast is often a hard one lately), a tuna melt for lunch (full meal after the art thing :) ), and pizza for dinner (with ice cream after. Yay!)

I did much better today with the getting to class on time goal. I had the same issue with parking again today and was debating trying a different lot and then said "I'm NOT going to be late to this class again damnit!" (same class as tuesday). So I just sucked it up and paid to park in the garage and I made it early. That felt good.

I also got the return to Toys R Us done, so I actually managed to accomplish quite a few things.

When I was talking to my t yesterday he said some interesting stuff. He told me not to worry about dealing with my past. Instead he wants me to focus on getting to a safe place in the now...physically, emotionally, etc. That was kind of weird and sort of reassuring, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've just thought that dealing with the past is the way to feeling safe. I guess I'll at least have to deal w/some of it.

Today I saw my school t. She continues to be awesome. It's funny because at the start of the session she mentioned that it's generally not advised to have two individual t's because you might end up hearing differing, confusing stuff. I couldn't help but laugh because I fought all summer to get anyone to listen to me and help me and now I have too many? She agreed though that at this point the more support I have, the better. She said since the hospital program is more focused on substance abuse and she's more focused on school related issues she's ok w/it.

I did my official "intake" with her today. Kind of ironic that this far in we're now doing the intake, but I really feel like that's how it should be. It was so much easier to answer her questions when I already knew her and felt I could trust her. It's not creepy and weird like when it's someone you've just met. Not to say it was easy...but it was better.

She asked where I wanted to start and I said I didn't know. She said, "Ok, how about you tell me about your family." Ugh, talk about a punch in the gut. I knew it was coming but didn't expect it to be first. I started to tell her I hadn't seen them since I was 13 and they're mean evil ppl, but she kept pushing for more out of me. I ended up telling her more about them and what happened, and even hinted towards what happened when I was on the streets, which I almost NEVER talk about. I told her I couldn't say it, but she started asking me these questions like, "I've heard of some people that do ______ in a situation like that....was it anything like that for you?" Then I was able to answer yes or no instead which was easier, and I was even able to put a few of my own words to it. I still can't believe I'm actually talking about this stuff out loud to people. It's just so so so weird for me! Especially saying it to two different t's I don't even know that well. Apparently things are changing inside me...

She gave me a few visualization things to start working on to keep the flashbacks at bay, and she recommended that I write out as much as I can about what happened when I'm ready and up for it. She says the more I can give the memories a voice, the more they'll leave me alone. But she also gave me some techniques to separate from them when I need to focus on other things. A little bit different from what hospital t guy said, but it's not like I've talked to either of them in depth about it. It does seem a little weird to see two t's, but I really don't want to let either of them go.

And speaking of all this, school t did give me some awesome resources to work with. She said that I can go to the disability services place and be considered disabled as far as school is concerned because of all the stuff i'm dealing with. That means that I can get things like audio books to help keep me focused on reading and less distracted, and help me actually get through the reading material. This is huge because I'm close to 5 chapters behind in one class and am a very slow reader even at the best of times. It sounds like there's also other services which may be able to help me get caught up and continue to keep up despite all the other craziness.

She also told me that the school offers saturday classes in things like self esteem, time management, etc. that actually count for credit. So if the academic advising folks tell me there are issues w/me dropping the friday class in order to do the IOP and not having enough credits, apparently I can sign up for one of these other classes to fill the slot and it may be something that could be helpful to me. Will still need to do research on that, but she was really great with helping me come up with some resources and make a plan for dealing w/school ppl.

I have to say i'm really impressed with all the services that are suddenly opening up to me. I wish it hadn't taken all that it did to get to them, but it's great to have these things be available and to have people actually pushing for me...the real me...with all my faults and craziness and everything...to succeed. It's just such a huge reassurance that maybe I will be ok after all of this. I'm not gonna fall off the map and be forgotten again. I'm not fighting this alone. That's such a huge, huge thing to know. So huge it's hard to believe, but it's making me feel just a bit lighter and freer. I was actually feeling playful and a bit smiley at the end of my last class today (the same one I was sobbing through last week). Oh, it also felt really good to turn in some homework. I realized it's the first homework I've actually turned in this semester. Wow. But at least I'm on the right track to doin stuff and succeeding. I'm seeing an ever so small light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm already looking forward to wednesday for my next time in the art studio. I have a great plan to finish the painting I started. :)