I just need life to slow down for a bit. There's too much happening and I can't make sense of it all. Or any of it.
Funny how I can go from feeling pretty good about things on wednesday and thursday to feeling like everything is crashing down by monday morning.
I just need a break. I need things to stop for a bit so I can clear my head.
I tried that last night. I spent more money than I probably have on a hotel room so I could block out the world for a night. It didn't work. It just made me more stressed out today about all the things I probably should've done but didn't. I'm even more behind in school now because I didn't put any work in yesterday or last night when I had the time. Plus, it's all made me feel worse because I lied to my friend I've been staying with in order to get the break. I told her I'd be staying with family. She's become my caretaker of sorts and I was worried she'd think I was getting the hotel room to go do something stupid. In a sense I was, but only to drink, nothing more. She doesn't like my drinking. Lots of ppl don't. But now I hate that I lied to her in order to go drink by myself. Really though...I'm normally a very solitary, independent type of person. I'm not a people person. I don't like being around people all the time. But I hadn't had any real alone time since August. That's just not me! I was going crazy having ppl around. I started looking at apartments on friday and saturday and was faced with the same truth that there just isn't anything that's safe, in my price range, and doesn't require a long-term lease. I started feeling like i'd be homeless forever. Add to that the level of claustrophobia in being in this house where I don't have a room and everyone was home cus it was the weekend. I just started to panic a lot and no meds or anything could help it.
I knew I needed a break but was afraid that telling this friend would make her worry or would make her feel bad that I so badly needed a break from her.
She has done amazing things. She is the reason I was able to get out of the hospital when I did...because she was willing to take me in and give me a place to recover. She made sure I ate, slept, and took care of myself. I couldn't have done that first weekend without her. Really I couldn't be doing any of this without her still because I just don't have anywhere else to go right now. But I'm starting to resent her, and everyone, because I just want some time and space by myself. I'm tired of needing to be babysat. But how do I know the difference between taking time and space to myself vs. dangerous isolation. I drank quite a bit last night, partly because I was finally in a place where no one was there to stop me. Does that mean I'm still dangerous? I have no idea but I know I just want to be on my own so badly. Next week a friend of mine is coming in to town and staying for quite a while to be with me. At first I thought it was a great idea to have someone here to help me full time, but now I'm really stressing about it. I just don't want someone there with me 24/7. And she won't have a car or anything else goin on here so it really will be 24/7.
Every time I start to think through this stuff I start to panic. Needing space vs. needing ppl to make sure i'm safe. Needing the IOP vs. needing to drink. Needing the extra support in order to stop drinking but not being able to get that if I'm still drinking. Knowing if I should drop the class in order to start the IOP.
Thing is...I think this is proof that once/week therapy isn't working. At all. I feel strong and great the first couple of days. I stayed sober wednesday night bc i felt empowered after seeing my t. Now I've drifted back in to wanting to drink more than ever. It's not just the drinking either...that's just the easiest example to show what's going on. Nothing makes sense right now. Nothing. I'm getting more behind in school but every time I sit down to do homework or study my brain gets overrun by the panic and I can't do anything. I'm going to end up failing out of this class that should be very easy. Ugh. (Unfortunately the one I'm really struggling with is not the friday one. Grrr).
I just need someone to tell me where to go and what to do. I need a road map. And I need everything to slow the fuck down!
Perhaps you and your friends can sit down with your T and make a map with their help and make a plan that you can live with but that allows you to slowly progress to your goals.
ReplyDeleteRight now you have so much going on. I would think that it's natural for you to be second guessing your every move.
ReplyDeleteAs the pp stated, maybe going a bit slower might be the way to go.
Please don't be down on yourself. It's all going to take time.
Be honest with yourself and with your friends. Tell them what is helpful and what feels overwhelming. Express your appreciation for what they are doing and set your boundaries, it is OK and they will still like and RESPECT you for being honest!
ReplyDeleteYou are really doing a pretty great job, don't get discouraged.