I can't handle this right now.
I'm not doing well.
It's just too much.
I know it's stuff i have to deal with.
Deep down i've known for a long time it's coming.
But it's big. And so scary.
I know there's no good time to do it,
but I still have to ask why now.
Why ever?
It just hurts too much. I must be dying. Something that hurts this much it must be killing me. Or I'm killing me. Or they're killing me. I don't know, but it feels like death is near because I no longer know how to live. I'm not saying I plan to kill myself , just that death is the only ending I can see. I'm trying to have hope but at the moment I don't. I'm looking forward to starting this program, going to therapy, getting help...but i'm terrified what that's going to entail. I'm not ready to face this. I can't. I'm not ready to tell someone. This is happening so slow and yet way too fast.
All I can ask is that you keep me in your thoughts, cus I don't know what a goal can be anymore. I don't know how to live or to keep going or to have hope. I feel like I'm barely hanging on on the edge of a cliff, waiting for someone or something to help me back up. But all options of getting back to solid ground seem just as scary as the cliff. Feels like everything is spinning and I don't know what to do. Just want to cry but can't even do that.
You are continuing to reach out, even if it is in this blog. One day at a time or one hour at a time, whatever it takes. You have held on to this fear for so long and I am sure that you are terrified to speak it out loud. You were taught that nothing good would come of it, that it would make it worse.
ReplyDeleteI met you long after these terrible things happened in your life. You are an amazing person that had a terrible expierence, that is how I see you. You are fun, funny, silly and charming all at the same time. You carry a burden that should not be yours, the guilt and fear and terror belongs to those people that hurt you. Say it out loud, give the anger and the hurt and the guilt and the fear all back to them! You will still be a wonderful person when you do.
You are in my thoughts every day, I check this blog every day to see how you are doing. I am here at 11pm and I will check in again tomorrow. Each day, one day at a time. You can do this!
Envision the ending you want - not the ending you see. Imagine if your life could be anything that you want it to be. If the pain wasn't there, the past wasn't there, for just a few minutes try to imagine that. What do you see? Write it down. You are a good writer. Record that vision. And then look back at it whenever all you can see is hopelessness and despair. Because the reality is that each day is a new day, each step is one step closer to healing, and you CAN strive for anything you want in life.
ReplyDeleteRiverbird, i could have written this post myself and it pains me to know that other human beings out there are feeling the same way. It saddens my heart, no one should ever have to feel this way.
ReplyDeletePlease know that each day you do make it through is a successful day and progress is being made, i have to believe we won't feel this way forever, and out of the darkness a future WILL become apparent for us.
You are in my thoughts River
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