Lost

I actually started out today feelin' pretty good. I had made it through 3 days of detox and was actually feeling pretty decent. My aunt commented repeatedly that I looked totally different than I had the last few days. It seemed like there was some light at the end of the tunnel, and things were going just the way they were supposed to.

Then one phone call changed everything.

I got a call from my therapist, canceling my appt. for tomorrow. He said that one of the therapists is out of town and he needs to cover his group...which just happens to be during my appt. time. Fine except it doesn't sound like an emergency or anything. Couldn't they have found someone else? Or cancelled the group? Or told me much earlier than the day before so I'd have time to reschedule?

I know this sounds like overreacting, but here's the thing. I called t on friday (regular appts are on wed.) and told him that I was having a really tough time and felt like I needed much more than one hour once/week. I ended up crying to him about it. We talked about getting me in to the IOP (intensive outpatient program) and I told him I would commit to getting sober so I could get in it. So he knew that I was having a very very tough time to begin with, plus that it would be my first week of sobriety which is never easy. We'd talked about how when I'm not drinking all the PTSD stuff comes back in full force and I don't know how to handle it.

So he KNEW, or at least should've known, that this would be hell week for me. Then he cancels last minute, with no apology, like it's no big deal. Totally just matter of fact, like he's canceling a pizza order or something.

I've been counting down the days till I can see him again because I need direction and I need help. I don't know how to be sober anymore. I hate to admit that I'm so lost as a sober person. I also hate to admit how dependent I feel towards this therapist already. I also need to say how INCREDIBLY hard it was for me to admit to him how bad I need him.

Add to this, he's also the one that runs the IOP. At first I thought this was a good thing because I felt comfortable with him. But now I don't feel like I can trust him. Now I question if the IOP is really something good for me. I'm too angry at him to think that spending 3 days/week w/him would be a good idea. Getting in to the IOP is a big part of why I chose now as the right time for me to get sober. Sooooo in my head I told myself that that was out the window so sobriety doesn't matter anymore. So I drank. Yep....the day after 3 days of hellish detox...I drank.

I'm still with my aunt. We're staying at a hotel tonight and I fly back home early tomorrow morning. When we got to the hotel we got a coupon for a free drink at the bar. My aunt wanted to take a quick nap so while she did I went downstairs and got the free drink. And another drink. Would've loved to have stayed there all night but knew I needed to be sober-like for my aunt.

I hate myself for drinking today. Mainly because my aunt spent the last 3 days dealing w/my detoxing self. It wasn't pretty but she stuck with me. Then the first chance I get I sneak off to drink? I know this aunt would do anything for me, so I feel especially bad about it. I'm also just feeling really really scared. I thought that after all that detox shit it would be a long long time before I touched another drink just to avoid being that sick again. It scares me that I was so quick to drink when the opportunity presented itself. I didn't want to. I heard my mind saying over and over again that I didn't want to, I shouldn't, etc. But body marched right down to that bar to drink. Going back to the room I was still thinking about how I can't believe I was drinking while still w/my aunt. And yet I was also frustrated that I couldn't stay and drink more. Two didn't seem like enough. And these were strong drinks.

My head is a mess right now. I feel totally alone because I feel like I can't trust my t who I was just starting to trust. My plan that I had set in my head no longer feels like a plan worth anything at all.

Just to be clear, I didn't drink BECAUSE of what my therapist did, but it most definitely added fuel to the fire. I had reached a very shaky point of "ok" in the morning, and then the call from my therapist just totally threw me off. (He left a message, haven't actually spoken to him). The call felt like it changed everything in my world and I didn't know how to deal with that. I was lost and scared and didn't know how to handle it. That's what made me drink. I couldn't find something solid enough to hold on to to keep me out of the bar.

To tell ya the honest truth there's very little keeping me from heading me back downstairs to the bar now that my aunt is asleep for the night. Darn hotel...I could even go in my pj's if I really wanted to.

I'll be back "home" tomorrow so I might go to an AA meeting then. I probably should. Clearly I need help with this whole drinking thing. I'm way more addicted than I thought. But I don't know how to deal with everything in my life right now sober. That's another truth. I was doing ok before, but recently (as in since last spring) things have gotten a lot LOT crazier for me). Can't really go in to that now, but it's more than I know how to deal with it. I guess I need to go back to minute to minute right now. Can't make sense of the big picture at all.

If you're reading this, please please please send prayers, good thoughts, or anything else you can think of. I feel like I'm floating away all alone again and I just need ppl to be with me. Thanks!