Ugh

Well after trying to put a positive spin and focus on everything, it's already not going well. After writing it I accidentally left late for class. I was rushing trying to get there and ended up spending almost a half hour looking for parking. There's one lot I usually go to close to the class building and usually if you do a couple laps a spot opens up. This time nothing was opening up. I tried another lot, and then it finally hit me that there was a giant parking garage for the same price that only made my walk about 5 min. longer to the building. I went there and found a space after not too long....parked, and then realized I'd already missed more than half of my hour long class. By the time I got there I'd be walking in just to catch the end. This is a prof that said from the start she hates when ppl come in late. Also bc i'm panicky so much right now I hate walking in late and having everybody look at me. Even if it's only for a second I hate seeing all eyes turn to me. I had planned on leaving early today to try to figure out the public transportation thing (paying for parking is EXPENSIVE! I'm amazed at how many people do it!). Seems ironic now. I was set to leave way early and then for some reason I just didn't. That's been happening to me a lot lately.

When I realized how late I had gotten by the time I found a spot (wasn't really paying attention while I was looking) just got really frustrated w/myself. Had I planned better, left earlier, etc. I could've kept all of it from happening. Instead I was missing class yet again (this class is 2 days/week...I've missed 4 classes in 3.5 weeks. I think that means I've missed more than I've made. The subject matter is easy to catch up on, but the class is graded on attendance and class participation. Anyway...just got so angry w/myself and felt like a dumbass and liked I'd really screwed up. Unfortunately all of those things are BIG triggers for flashbacks for me right now. I can't go in to too much detail at this point but it relates to the kind of things my parents would say to me as excuses for hurting me. Logically I can look back and (most of the time) know that little girl me wasn't at fault, but they did a really good job convincing me i'm useless. As soon as I start to feel useless I go back to thinking of them and seeing/feeling the pain all over again. Can't say anymore now cus its starting to happen again and i'm barely holdin on.

The good news is that I recognized that I was also in an area of town that adds to triggers so after I pulled over to deal with the worst of it, I used a technique someone taught me to be able to stay present enough to drive to a better area. Now i'm having lunch and just tryin to stay in one piece. Already took the meds that usually help make the flashbacks go away during an earlier flashback in the morning. I think it helps some still but obviously didn't keep stuff away entirely. Not doin well on the goals so far....tryin to find the positives but just feelin lousy. :(