Nice People

I am not always a nice, or even pleasant person to be around. I know this. I have anger issues and attachment issues. Getting close to someone scares the hell out of me and tends to cause me to do stupid things to push people back to where it feels safer. Hence, the nicer someone is to me, the more likely they are to see my way less than pleasant side. People who know me as an acquaintance only regularly comment on how nice and friendly I am to everyone. People who get closer see the anger, the struggles, etc.

But somehow, through the midst of all of my attempts to push everyone away, I have ended up with some unbelievably nice friends. One accepted me into her home without a second thought after I got out of the hospital. She invited me to sleep on her couch for an indefinite amount of time while I get my life back together and find something more long-term. She expressed only care and concern for me throughout, taking care of me right down to cooking and making sure I ate, as well as making sure I stayed safe.

My aunt (not biologically related, if you were wondering..) was willing to take me in while I detox. She didn't know at the time what she was in for (trip had been planned for a while, the quitting drinking is recent). But she never balked at it when I told her what was going on. She told me she'd help me with whatever I needed, and that she wanted to be that person to get me through it. Then, on top of everything else, I was randomly whining to her earlier today that I never got a bday celebration (bday was spent in the hospital) she snuck out and got a cake, balloons, a banner, and a present for me. Not only that but she remembered all these little things that I'd told her but could barely remember saying...like what kind of cake I like and what I would want for a present.

Another friend is flying in on wednesday to stay with me in a hotel room and help me with life stuff and finding a new place to live, and to give couch friend a break.

Still another friend is dealing with unbelievable stuff of her own, and yet always finds the time to sit and listen to me. We have very similar pasts, and she inspires me daily to keep fighting. No matter what she's up against she's always willing to support me and be there for me, and I don't know where I'd be without her.

I know I put out a lot of negative energy into the world. I don't mean to, but as an old friend used to tell me often, I've got walls built so high it's a fortress. I don't know how to do relationships. They terrify me. I don't understand how these amazing ppl keep finding me.

Whenever someone does one of these nice things, way deep down I hear my parents' voices in my head. My parents, and especially my dad, didn't like it when anyone did anything nice for me. For one, he said I didn't deserve it. Second, he seemed to think that if someone did something nice i must have been telling lies in order to get it, so I'd get in trouble for it. I think he was afraid of anyone getting too close to the family because they might find out what he was doing to me. Or I might get comfortable w/them and tell them. Or it may have just been the drugs talking. Regardless, all my life I knew that nice things were not for me, and they ended up causing more pain. Sometimes now that voice is quieter, sometimes it's louder, but it's nearly impossible to get rid of.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I keep feeling so small and worthless inside, and I somehow keep attracting amazing people in to my life. I don't get it. It's not that I want any of them to leave, I just feel completely and totally undeserving...like I could never be as nice to them as they are to me...i could never repay them. I know that's not what they're looking for but it all just seems strange to me. It just doesn't make sense. (Speaking of which, I hope what I'm typing makes sense. It's been another very long day physically, though I seem to be doing a bit better now...)