Tuesday, February 12, 2013

In case you're wondering...

Some of you saw (or read about) my very emotional post from yesterday.  I've temporarily hidden it.  It was just too much for me to have just sitting out in public.  I may share it again some time, I don't know.  I'd like to write something though...I really do want to write on here more because I want to have somewhere to connect with people.  I don't like it just sitting blank.  But for now I need to take care of me and that means hiding myself a bit more than I have been.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

No one wants to hear it

I've joined a support group recently to start processing some issues from my past.  At first it was really great.  It was like coming in to AA for the first time...scary, but amazing because I was hearing people telling my story...telling the stuff that I always keep deep inside or don't have words for.  But after spending a bit more time there I'm realizing how "out there" my story is...even within a support group.  I'm not trying to prove that mine was worse than anyone's or that what other ppl went through doesn't matter...but as I listened to others in the group talk about their experiences...well it's different.  I was raised by truly psychotic people.  I believe that some of what I experienced comes pretty damn close to torture.  I know I'm not the only one that's experienced stuff like this.  I know there are others who have been through much worse.  But I felt out of place in the group when people were talking about having been molested once.  It just felt like my experience is a different kind of crazy, and that's scary.

And I don't know what to do with it.

I have very caring and supportive friends through AA.  But they are very much the "get over it" types.  They understand that it's a process....they're not like some who think that because it happened a long time ago I should just let it go....but they don't want to keep listening to me be miserable/grumpy/whatever.  My sponsor is the only one who knows any detail about my story...and she knows very little.  She knows there was sexual stuff involved though, which makes her different from anyone else.  I know it upsets her though...the other day I showed her a poem I wrote and she said it was good but then she had to turn away cus she didn't want me to see her cry.  (Totally strange since she's seen me cry a bunch of times, and has been in AA for a long time where everyone talks about being open bout how you feel...but that's another story for another time).  Only a couple of others in AA know I was abused.  I know there are lots of ppl in AA that care about me, even w/out knowing...and would want me to feel good, but i'm just too overwhelmed right now to care.  I've been hiding away from everyone for days now and really have no desire to go out in the world or talk to anyone.  I'm just tired and angry and overwhelmed...and I know what i should be doing to feel better but i don't want to do any of it because I don't care.  I think being in this group is tearing away a lot of denial for me...and I didn't even realize I was still in so much denial.  I'm just really overwhelmed by the enormity of what i've been through and there's no one I can talk to about that.  (I do have an amazing friend I can talk to online about it, but I mean in my face to face life).  There's no one that wants to hear it.  Even the people who want to be supportive don't want to know the details of what I went through and I don't want them to because I don't want to see their looks of horror.

I don't know what I want...I just know I feel really really isolated right now.  I feel like I don't want to venture out into society because I don't fit in anywhere in the world.  There's no spot for me right now. I wish I'd never joined this group.  Before joining it I was happy most all the time in AA, and was finally feeling accepted and like a part of something.  Now I'm back to feeling completely alone.  I'm supposed to be getting together w/aa friends today and i think i have to go because my sponsor is hosting it but I so don't want to.  I don't want to call anyone....which is another thing i'm supposed to do when I feel like this...I just dont want to have anything to do with anyone because I feel like shit and don't want to be around people who won't get it.  And I'm sure that's selfish or whatever to say, and I know even pl who have experienced different but similar stuff can understand more than i'm giving them credit for and all that...but damnit right now i'm sick of this and i don't want to hear anyone else's crap.  Ugh I sound like an ass.

I wish someone would call me...but I'm kind of a pest usually so usually I'm the one doing the calling.  It's rare for anyone to call me...which of course makes me wonder if people are sick of me or don't want to hear from me.  I'm sure i'm overthinking it but that's in my head too.