First off, Barb, I think that title may be for you.
Now then...
I am absolutely exhausted right now but I want to give a quick update on my day today.
I decided to write a letter to the therapist explaining why his canceling the appointment bothered me. I ended up writing about four pretty detailed pages about the issues I'm having with feeling a lack of support and feeling very scared, lost, and alone without his support. I found it to be a very clear, focused, but not accusatory letter and I have to say I was pretty proud of myself. He called again later in the day. I missed his call and he left a message that was not much better than the first. He said things like how I can't expect him to fix problems that took years to make, and that there's only so much he can do for any one client. Beyond that he seemed to be concerned with defending himself, not helping me feel comfortable. I guess I'm needy right now, but I really just needed him to sound sympathetic and care. I'm not looking for him to fix anything, I just need to KNOW that he is there with me in the battle. And right now I don't. I had my friend that is staying with me listen to the messages to see what she heard from it and she had the same reaction as I do. So the plan now is to get back in touch with the guy I did the intake with (who I actually liked a lot), to see if there is another therapist available to work with me. Also current therapist offered to help me find someone else but he says he thinks it would be better if we worked through this. I personally just don't feel like this is something to work through. Maybe it's as simple as a personality clash, but even though he keeps saying things like "I hear that you're frustrated and scared" I don't feel like he gets it in a way that's helpful for me.
In other news, I finally made it to an AA meeting. Sort of. I made it for the first 15 minutes and then started panicking and had to leave. At least I made it in the door this time. Other times I've sat outside the door. This whole thing is a giant catch 22. I've been using alcohol to manage my PTSD symptoms. Without drinking, the PTSD goes nuts. A big trigger for me is being in a room full of people I don't know, especially in a place where I feel stuck or like I might not be able to leave. (Hence the sitting at the door or outside of it). I know I'm gonna have to figure this out eventually, but today 15 minutes in the room lead me to an all out sobbing my eyes out, couldn't focus on anything or concentrate at all panic attack. I had to basically race outside and lay down in the grass till I could breathe again. Logical mind knows that AA meetings are generally not scary, but all the big fears inside of me don't listen to logical mind. Logical mind actually really likes the idea of AA and having a support system and a sponsor and all that. But can't seem to convince scared part.
Tomorrow I finally get to see the psychiatrist. Will be interesting to get his/her take on everything going on. Hopefully this will be a real appt. to talk about stuff rather than just a med refill...since the meds need work and I'd like to get some advice from the medical side of things.
Better shut up now before my quickie becomes a longie....or something.
Sounds like progress to me. I am sorry your T isn't being therapeutic. I still haven't gotten a call back for mine which was cancelled Tues. BLAH. AA can be scarey, especially when they get into that, as my father likes to say, "chanting" with the saying hi to everyone when you announce your name and that you are an alcoholic and when they all want to hold hands. But 15 minutes inside is better than nothing. You can also see if there are young people's groups around, an all female group, or other groups that may be more helpful than just an open meeting. Hopefully the Psych will be better than the T today. Good luck.
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