Not OK

I'm not ok tonight. I just need to say that "out loud." I'm actually dreaming of the hospital. I liked it there. Ok I hated it there...but it was safe there. Maybe if they saw me like this they'd help me more.

I know this is a long, slow, battle, but I just wish someone could take the pain away for a while.

It seems my body has decided it's time to really come to terms with stuff. The memories are everywhere and constant. EVERYTHING reminds me of what happened. And I'm seeing/hearing/feeling everything so vividly. And there's nothing I can do right now to make it stop. My friend is here with me but I still feel so alone. There's nothing she can do to stop it. It's in my head. There's no distraction that can stop it. I can't handle anyone touch me so she can't even give me a hug or anything. This is when I start to feel so, so alone. I know there's ppl out there supporting me....and I know there are ppl who have been through what I have and can understand what it's like....but in this part of the fight it's just me.

It was a decently good day. I actually slept well last night (scarily well...I slept 12 hours!! I've needed it after lots of stressful days and very very little sleep. I went out to brunch w/my friend and we did a few other errands. Suddenly while we were out the panic just hit and I couldn't shake it. I had to get home and just curl up and hide from everything. It was like that all afternoon until I was finally able to start to focus a little. I'm doing better than earlier now but it's still there and hurting.

I've been on edge ever since seeing the dr. last thursday. I had to try to explain to him what caused the start of this recent breakdown (new memories coming up last spring) and that put more of the memories in my head. They were there before though...it seems my body/mind have just decided it's time to face it and come to terms with it. i'm not happy with that decision but realistically I want to fight it. I've wanted to fight it for a while but I've been fighting just to get someone to help me. But I don't want to live like this anymore...I want to find a way to live for real....not just trying to block the bad stuff enough to get by. I want to do this but right now I'm not ok.

I see the dr. tomorrow. I also have the DBT group. I think the DBT group will be good for me but I'm still terrified of it. After all I can't make myself go in to an AA meeting, and that's way less threatening then a therapy group.

Speaking of therapy group...I called the support group here for ppl who have been through the stuff I have. I called them late in the evening so no one answered....which was the plan...but just calling the number was a step. The dr. suggested finding a therapist/group to work on the trauma specific stuff cus the program I'm in isn't really designed to deal with major trauma (it's more about dealing with day to day and bein safe and that kind of thing it seems...no one explains real well what this program is, but at least ppl are helping and hearing me so i'm sticking with it! lol) Anyway, this place says they won't turn anyone away fro inability to pay, but that's just for the groups. They can help you find a therapist but the resources they list on their website are all places I called over the summer and turned me down. But maybe with this group's help i could find someone good.

I don't think a group would be good for it yet...the mere thought scares the hell outta me. I can't even really go to my online support group anymore because just being there gets me thinking about the reason we're all there....the thing that we all share....and it's just so vivid for me right now. But again I want to fight this. Not sure if i'll manage to call the place during business hours. I'm sure I will one day, but it may be years from now. I sent them an email and they said I would need to call them. I think it's for confidentiality stuff....they don't give out any specific details on their website....no location info, they don't tell where the groups are, etc. which is awesome for me. But sucks cus it means I have to suck it up and call them. But they say (or someone says somewhere...lol) that once you feel bad enough...when you hit rock bottom...then you'll do what needs to be done. Maybe I've reached that level of ultimate shittiness that makes me miserable enough to reach out and do the things that terrify me.

After all, trying to push it back down and pretend it doesn't exist nearly killed me a month ago, so I've got that incentive to keep pushing forward.