I am so fucking SICK of politics! But not for the reasons you might think. Sure the ads annoy me, and I'm tired of hearing who approves which message, but there's a much bigger issue in it for me right now.
I am so, so, sick of people talking about "personal responsibility" or "government handouts" or whatever else. It seems like everywhere I turn there's stories of how people are expecting the government to do things for them because they're lazy and don't want to work...and then there's the stories of Johnny in Somerandomplace who lost his job but he started his own business so he could still make it on his own....and Betty in Someotherrandomplace who works 60+ hours/week at whatever odd job she can get to support herself and her 4 children...still finding time to meet the school bus after school, help the kids with their homework, and take online classes. Even my own friends on facebook are getting in to it. I had one friend recently go on a rant about how no one would be living "paycheck to paycheck" if they knew how to manage their money. She said it was just a matter of making good decisions and not wasting money on things. Now, this is a friend who I know for a fact at nearly 30 years old is only just starting to become financially independent from her (and her husband's) parents even though she is married and has a kid. But yet she's going off about all of her knowledge of financial success?! I tried to point out, tactfully, that maybe it was different for her because she'd started off with quite a bit of support. One of her friends acknowledged what I was saying but person after person jumped in with a story about either themselves or a friend or "someone they know" who had started from nothing but done all this great stuff and worked hard and went to school and yada yada and now everything is hunky dory.
Here's the thing. If you're one of those that has "picked yourself up by your bootstraps" and made something out of nothing, I'm happy for you. Really, I am. That's a great accomplishment and you deserve recognition. And really, my issue has nothing to do with any government programs. I have no desire to debate the specifics of any social programs here.
But it's been a hard fucking year for me. I'm working my ass off and I feel like I'm going nowhere. I want to get through school. I badly want to get this degree because getting it will open up opportunities for the work I really want to do in the future...helping kids who have been through the kind of stuff I have...not just a job to make enough money to get by. Though I enjoy intellectual type stuff, due to mental health issues school as a whole doesn't come easy to me. Just focusing long enough to get through a class is exhausting and draining for me. I've seen improvements in this area...I (most of the time) don't have to pick specific seats in specific areas of the room to avoid getting triggered into panic attacks...and when I do it's at least a wider range to choose from. And I'm actually learning more in class now because I'm spending less time dealing with distractions and other internal issues. But still, class is exhausting and homework, though I do well on it because it's important to me, takes MUCH longer for me than it does others. The same paper will take me many hours more than it does most of my classmates. Add work to that, even though it's often just a few hours/week right now, then meetings on top of that, then work experience (volunteer) that I'm required to do for one of my classes, and frankly it's exhausting. I've been trying to take on more work hours because I need the money, but it's killing me. I'm having panic attacks because i'm so exhausted. I'm stretched too thin and I know it. I'm trying to do everything and doing nothing well. I'm still WAY behind on school from when I was off my meds (though thankfully I skipped work today and was able to do a lot of catching up). Even though my meds are (for now) right again, many days spent sleeping or too sick to do anything doesn't bode well for taking 4 college classes. Hell it'd be bad even for just 1 class...and it happened right before all my big midterm papers were due.
Anyway, enough whining...my point is, I AM working hard and I'm NOT lazy. I'm really not. But every time I hear one of those damn ads, or speeches, or rants, or whatever, I start to question myself. Maybe I am. Maybe I could be working harder...doing better. Maybe there is something wrong with me that I can't handle what I'm "supposed" to be able to. Maybe I just need to work harder and do better. I don't have any kids to take care of and I can still barely take care of my own apartment. Most people my age are parents now, raising families, etc. etc. I want to be able to do more. But I feel so exhausted all the time. I don't know how to give any more than I already am. And then I have to go stand in 1 hr + lines in hopes of getting my meds that I am entirely useless without....being herded around like sheep because we're poor so what do they care (I love my pharmacy btw...great ppl there...it's just the overall feel of the place)...and THEN to have to hear over and over and over again everywhere I turn that apparently I'm lazy, that I think I'm a victim, or that I don't take personal responsibility for my own life. It's hard enough for me to get through day to day without now feeling shitty because I can't do more. Logically I believe we have our limits and right now mine are going to school and working part time. But emotionally that keeps getting harder and harder for me to accept the more I have to listen to all this political crap. And it's not just one side...both sides are going on and on about this something from nothing crap. Again good for everyone who has done that. Yay. Moving on. Though I will say that some of those ppl that talk about folks like me as being lazy and unwilling to take responsibility for myself....I would like to extend an invitation to live my life for a bit and see how it goes. See what they think then.
Oh and on that whole 47% thing...since we've all heard the quote by now....here's what kills me about it. He says:
All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it.
Is it really that horrid for a person to believe they are entitled to food, housing, and healthcare? Am I way off in thinking that those are kinda basic rights. And I do agree that there's quite a bit of victimhood that goes on in this country...I know I've written about how much of a struggle I've had with that. I don't think it's the core issue of people looking for help, but it definitely exists. Anyway I'm still stumped that a person thinking they're entitled to their basic needs to stay alive is somehow outrageous. I don't hate the quote as much as some...I get what he's saying. It's just the end that really gets to me:
I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.
And we're back to the same crap...because I'm struggling I'm not taking personal responsibility or care for my life. If that were the case I wouldn't have 10 months of sobriety. I could still be sitting on my ass drinking every night, dropped out of school, etc. etc. that would be a lack of personal responsibility. I'm getting healthy and taking care of myself, and in my mind that counts for something. Unfortunately, no one will pay me for it.
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I'm grateful that I've been sober for 10 months and that I still am, even though some bad thoughts of drinking and such have been sneaking up on me in the midst of all of this. It's hard to keep pushing forward when things seem so steeply uphill, but I'm grateful for people who are supportive and especially for the really good friends who will sit with me while I panic and assure me that I'm not a failure and that I am doing ok. Thank you wonderful friend you know who you are. :)
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Oh happy day!
Finally, some good news to report!
1. I got my meds! :-D I still haven't worked out the insurance battle, but through the help of an incredibly kind soul I was able to get them for this month. I don't want to go into details at this point, but I'm just so relieved i'm going to be moving towards thinking straight and being able to focus again.
2. I got an awesome gig puppy sitting for the week. I'm keeping my friend's awesome dog at my apartment while she is out of town. It's so so nice to have him here with me, and he is just the biggest lover ever. My friend said he doesn't usually warm up to ppl super fast, but with me after meeting me just one time I went to pick him up today and he wouldn't leave my side. He hopped right in my car without a second thought too...almost made my friend jealous I think because she was super sad to send him off with me. (Well happy it's with me, but sad to have to be away from him). He did get a bit unsure when he got to my apartment. He was looking around and whining and looking upset. I sat down with him and told him it would be ok and pet him and he not only relaxed but melted right into my arms. For someone who doesn't get a lot of love in my daily life, this is really really good for me. I went to take a shower and when I came out he was plopped right there at the door waiting for me. He's just a really really great presence for me to have right now.
1. I got my meds! :-D I still haven't worked out the insurance battle, but through the help of an incredibly kind soul I was able to get them for this month. I don't want to go into details at this point, but I'm just so relieved i'm going to be moving towards thinking straight and being able to focus again.
2. I got an awesome gig puppy sitting for the week. I'm keeping my friend's awesome dog at my apartment while she is out of town. It's so so nice to have him here with me, and he is just the biggest lover ever. My friend said he doesn't usually warm up to ppl super fast, but with me after meeting me just one time I went to pick him up today and he wouldn't leave my side. He hopped right in my car without a second thought too...almost made my friend jealous I think because she was super sad to send him off with me. (Well happy it's with me, but sad to have to be away from him). He did get a bit unsure when he got to my apartment. He was looking around and whining and looking upset. I sat down with him and told him it would be ok and pet him and he not only relaxed but melted right into my arms. For someone who doesn't get a lot of love in my daily life, this is really really good for me. I went to take a shower and when I came out he was plopped right there at the door waiting for me. He's just a really really great presence for me to have right now.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
This may be disturbing
I feel like this post should have a warning similar to the one at the beginning of south park episodes. You know...due to content this post should not be viewed by anyone. If you're easily disturbed by things, or just disturbed by things, or maybe just human in general, you ight want to skip this one.
Now then. Have ya'll (who shouldn't be reading this :-P) heard about Jessica Ridgeway? You know, the 10-year-old girl out in Colorado who vanished while walking to school one morning and a week later her dismembered body was found in a field? They couldn't identify the body at first, they said, because they only found parts. Clearly she was taken by one sick SOB! And now I just can't seem to get her off my mind. Not a good thing to be thinking about at 2:30 AM.
No one seems to know anything at this point about what happened. They say kidnappings are usually by someone the child knows, but this one just really has the feel to me of being random. Of course what I "feel" doesn't mean much of anything since I clearly don't have all the facts. I should know better than to give in to stereotypes, but it just seems like such a nice neighborhood and a nice family and a nice little girl. I guess it could be some distant acquaintance of the family....who knows.
But that's really beside the point. Here's what gets me. When I was 10 I was...experienced. (I'm assuming that this crime was sex based). I honestly don't remember how old I was when the first rape happened, but I know I was a lot younger than 10. The first sexual stuff I remember for sure I was about 5. By the time I was 10, I was in many ways immune. Things still hurt me, but I knew how to hide from the pain. I knew how to get away in my head. Hell I knew how to manipulate adult men during sex. Plenty of stuff a 10 year old should NOT know!
But most likely Jessica had never experienced anything like that before, and that makes my heart go out to her so much more. I'm not saying at all that things would've been better for her had she been sexually abused first, but I just can't imagine going from happy, peaceful, loving childhood into a brutal attack. I grew up in the hell. It was my life. It didn't make it easy by any means, but I didn't know to expect any different. I had no concept of a peaceful happy life, so I'd grown up learning to deal with the horrors.
It's like the book I just finished reading about people growing up in Afghanistan during the war. They were amazingly not shocked and horrified when things started being blown up all around them. I'm sure they were scared, but it was their home and what they knew...far different from an American who has never seen anything like that walking into the middle of it.
I remember years ago I went to a website for survivors of sexual abuse/assault. One of the first people I met there told me her story of being stalked by this random guy she didn't know, who eventually broke into her house and raped her. I was shocked and horrified by it. I knew all about living with evil people. I even knew about letting people take advantage of me because I didn't know I could have anything better. But somehow it just hadn't registered to me that some random guy off the street could be that evil too. Somehow I still thought the outside world was (relatively) safe. I knew the types of abuse that occurred in my world, but I thought that the rest of the people out there, not born in to my hell, were safe. And I just kept thinking how terrible it would be to be suddenly ripped out of all the peace and comfort you've known and flung in to the world of being a rape survivor. In fact her story still terrifies me. She wasn't drunk out at a bar wearing next to nothing. She locked her doors at night. She was doing all the right things to be safe and it still happened.
I never want to compare people's trauma stories and think about whose might be worse. It really doesn't matter for one thing, and there will never be an answer anyway. But I just keep thinking of the terror little Jessica must have felt. I remember the terror I felt and I had years of learning what to expect, what might be coming, and how to survive. As sick as it is, I got damn good at it too. Of course Jessica's attacker clearly had different motives than mine but I still imagine a lot of the pain was the same. In a strange way mine was predictable. I didn't know exactly what was going to happen when, but I knew eventually it was going to happen. She was just walking to school. As far as anyone knows she was just happily walking to school when all this happened. It was just another day, until it all of a sudden it was hell. I at least had a pretty good idea of what would happen after I walked home from school.
It's now after 3:00 and i'm probably not making any sense since I'm tired and really struggling to find the words I'm trying to say. I just can't get over all the anger I have on this little girl's behalf. I hear stories of kids being abused by their parents every day it seems (way way way too often, but that's another post for another time), and those bother me, but none of those rattle me like this one seems to have. Why am I so much more bothered by this than any others? They're all innocent children, but this one scares me so much. Maybe because I do eventually want to have kids, and I know I can be a good mom and take good care of my kids and not let them go through any of what I went through. But I may not be able to stop them going through what she went through. Ugh.
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Ok gotta do my gratitude...can't skip that. I'm grateful that I finally got my homework done tonight even though it nearly killed me. It took me 'til about 12:30 to finish. Of course that seemed so late at the time...now that it's after 3 that seems early! Not holding out a whole lot of hope for sleep at this point though...my brain is way too awake with this stuff. (And my evening dr. pepper. I knew that would cause issues but I wouldn't have been able to do the homework without it. <sigh> )
Now then. Have ya'll (who shouldn't be reading this :-P) heard about Jessica Ridgeway? You know, the 10-year-old girl out in Colorado who vanished while walking to school one morning and a week later her dismembered body was found in a field? They couldn't identify the body at first, they said, because they only found parts. Clearly she was taken by one sick SOB! And now I just can't seem to get her off my mind. Not a good thing to be thinking about at 2:30 AM.
No one seems to know anything at this point about what happened. They say kidnappings are usually by someone the child knows, but this one just really has the feel to me of being random. Of course what I "feel" doesn't mean much of anything since I clearly don't have all the facts. I should know better than to give in to stereotypes, but it just seems like such a nice neighborhood and a nice family and a nice little girl. I guess it could be some distant acquaintance of the family....who knows.
But that's really beside the point. Here's what gets me. When I was 10 I was...experienced. (I'm assuming that this crime was sex based). I honestly don't remember how old I was when the first rape happened, but I know I was a lot younger than 10. The first sexual stuff I remember for sure I was about 5. By the time I was 10, I was in many ways immune. Things still hurt me, but I knew how to hide from the pain. I knew how to get away in my head. Hell I knew how to manipulate adult men during sex. Plenty of stuff a 10 year old should NOT know!
But most likely Jessica had never experienced anything like that before, and that makes my heart go out to her so much more. I'm not saying at all that things would've been better for her had she been sexually abused first, but I just can't imagine going from happy, peaceful, loving childhood into a brutal attack. I grew up in the hell. It was my life. It didn't make it easy by any means, but I didn't know to expect any different. I had no concept of a peaceful happy life, so I'd grown up learning to deal with the horrors.
It's like the book I just finished reading about people growing up in Afghanistan during the war. They were amazingly not shocked and horrified when things started being blown up all around them. I'm sure they were scared, but it was their home and what they knew...far different from an American who has never seen anything like that walking into the middle of it.
I remember years ago I went to a website for survivors of sexual abuse/assault. One of the first people I met there told me her story of being stalked by this random guy she didn't know, who eventually broke into her house and raped her. I was shocked and horrified by it. I knew all about living with evil people. I even knew about letting people take advantage of me because I didn't know I could have anything better. But somehow it just hadn't registered to me that some random guy off the street could be that evil too. Somehow I still thought the outside world was (relatively) safe. I knew the types of abuse that occurred in my world, but I thought that the rest of the people out there, not born in to my hell, were safe. And I just kept thinking how terrible it would be to be suddenly ripped out of all the peace and comfort you've known and flung in to the world of being a rape survivor. In fact her story still terrifies me. She wasn't drunk out at a bar wearing next to nothing. She locked her doors at night. She was doing all the right things to be safe and it still happened.
I never want to compare people's trauma stories and think about whose might be worse. It really doesn't matter for one thing, and there will never be an answer anyway. But I just keep thinking of the terror little Jessica must have felt. I remember the terror I felt and I had years of learning what to expect, what might be coming, and how to survive. As sick as it is, I got damn good at it too. Of course Jessica's attacker clearly had different motives than mine but I still imagine a lot of the pain was the same. In a strange way mine was predictable. I didn't know exactly what was going to happen when, but I knew eventually it was going to happen. She was just walking to school. As far as anyone knows she was just happily walking to school when all this happened. It was just another day, until it all of a sudden it was hell. I at least had a pretty good idea of what would happen after I walked home from school.
It's now after 3:00 and i'm probably not making any sense since I'm tired and really struggling to find the words I'm trying to say. I just can't get over all the anger I have on this little girl's behalf. I hear stories of kids being abused by their parents every day it seems (way way way too often, but that's another post for another time), and those bother me, but none of those rattle me like this one seems to have. Why am I so much more bothered by this than any others? They're all innocent children, but this one scares me so much. Maybe because I do eventually want to have kids, and I know I can be a good mom and take good care of my kids and not let them go through any of what I went through. But I may not be able to stop them going through what she went through. Ugh.
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Ok gotta do my gratitude...can't skip that. I'm grateful that I finally got my homework done tonight even though it nearly killed me. It took me 'til about 12:30 to finish. Of course that seemed so late at the time...now that it's after 3 that seems early! Not holding out a whole lot of hope for sleep at this point though...my brain is way too awake with this stuff. (And my evening dr. pepper. I knew that would cause issues but I wouldn't have been able to do the homework without it. <sigh> )
Monday, October 15, 2012
Yay!
Well my visit counter seems to be back. At least one thing returning to "normal" in my life. Yay!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Paying the price
I told my new sponsor a bit of my history today, and now I'm paying the price. I didn't even go into detail, but every time I tell someone even a hint of it a big part of me freaks out. The nice thing is that when she asked what happened (I mentioned I was dealing with flashbacks, panic, and lots of anger/rage from the past), I was able to be clear, simple, and matter of fact w/out losing it. I'm getting much better at being able to state the facts. I just said that my parents were both drug addicts and my dad basically sold me for drugs. And that because of that I was hurt by many different men. Enough to get the point across w/out bein too painful. I didn't think it bothered me at all, but later on I was really panicky about it. Granted I'm panicky about everything these days. I was so well "trained" as a kid about all the horrible things that would happen if I told, that big parts of me are still terrified about it. It's an improvement though. The first time I told face to face a while back I started hallucinating people coming out of the shadows to kill me. In comparison, needing to lay down with a blanket because I was fairly sure I would vomit is pretty minor. And only a little bit of head running away with the "what if's".
So yeah, as I've said before, I'm thankful for the fact that even when things are crappy improvement can be seen. And my new sponsor commented repeatedly today on how great she thinks I'm doing and how she thinks I have an overall great outlook on things. We talked about my attempts to come to terms with the fact that I feel incredibly blessed by everything I've been given....I have a place to live, food to eat, I get to go to school, I live in a peaceful and safe area, I was guided to the right people to take care of me and help save my life and help me get sober...lots of little coincidences that don't make any sense except as from god. All that stuff is great, and it really is remarkable that I came out of all that I did mostly healthy, not pregnant or anything, and alive! I can't help but feel blessed for all of that, and yet so, so angry with god that I had to go through so much to begin with. I don't know how to make those things come together.....being so thankful for my miraculous recovery from the horrible situation I should've never been in in the first place. This will probably end up being it's own post at some point, because for now it's bedtime.
Oh, but one last thing, what the heck happened to my visit counter? I was up to at least a few thousand and now i'm at 2? My old blog that I don't use anymore was also reduced to zero. Anyone know? Did this happen to anyone else?
So yeah, as I've said before, I'm thankful for the fact that even when things are crappy improvement can be seen. And my new sponsor commented repeatedly today on how great she thinks I'm doing and how she thinks I have an overall great outlook on things. We talked about my attempts to come to terms with the fact that I feel incredibly blessed by everything I've been given....I have a place to live, food to eat, I get to go to school, I live in a peaceful and safe area, I was guided to the right people to take care of me and help save my life and help me get sober...lots of little coincidences that don't make any sense except as from god. All that stuff is great, and it really is remarkable that I came out of all that I did mostly healthy, not pregnant or anything, and alive! I can't help but feel blessed for all of that, and yet so, so angry with god that I had to go through so much to begin with. I don't know how to make those things come together.....being so thankful for my miraculous recovery from the horrible situation I should've never been in in the first place. This will probably end up being it's own post at some point, because for now it's bedtime.
Oh, but one last thing, what the heck happened to my visit counter? I was up to at least a few thousand and now i'm at 2? My old blog that I don't use anymore was also reduced to zero. Anyone know? Did this happen to anyone else?
Friday, October 12, 2012
Tough
I'd planned to be in bed hours ago but the whole sleep thing isn't working out right now. So yeah. Might as well tell the story of my day.
I went to see a new doctor today and boy was it tough. I didn't really understand going in what the appointment was going to be, but they told me it would be someone to talk to about getting my meds transferred over ASAP. I pictured going to talk to someone in an office to discuss the issue. Yeah not so much.
I almost missed the appointment because my anxiety is so high it's hard to leave the house. But thankfully they let me in (I have a really good desperate/panic face goin' on right now! lol). They gave me some initial paperwork to fill out, which turned out to be a whole freakin book. They asked a ton of questions. Like always, I had to guess at my family history. I know a little of it but not a lot. Then they asked a bunch of mental health questions, which I tried to be honest about so they could see that I really need my meds. They even asked if I had experienced sexual abuse and when. Sheesh. (They also asked if there was a history w/in my family members of abuse, which I found to be an interesting question. I said no, which is a lie, but I didn't really think it matters.
There were a ton of questions then about sexual partners, but after the top couple I decided not to read and marked no to everything. They were too hard for me to read and think on, and they were all under the heading of AIDS risk, and I've been tested for HIV so I'm not concerned. There were some other tough questions too but they're not coming to mind right now. It took a really, really long time to fill it all out though. The fun part was that I got to be totally honest about all the drug and alcohol questions. That's a first for me. I used to always have to lie on all the questions about if you drink and how much and all that.
After finishing my paperwork this guy w/a very, very heavy Spanish accent called me back. I wish I could tell my real name on here (very simple to pronounce) just to show how badly he butchered it. I didn't recognize my name and wouldn't have known it was me except that there was only one other person in the waiting room who didn't seem to be moving. This guy did my vitals and was clearly knew. He wasn't rough exactly, but he wasn't gentle. I got through that ok but then he left me to wait for the dr. As some of you know already, I despise everything medical. Some of my abuse was done under the guise of medicine. Then being restrained the last time I was in the hospital has made the terror that much worse. I should've brought more options of stuff to do, because my anxiety is so bad already and I had to wait a long time for the dr. I did study for my Spanish test. I figure if I can get through all my flashcards while shaking and freaking out I must have 'em down pretty well! lol I got too shaky to practice them anymore though so I ended up curled up in a corner and considering leaving.
The doctor finally came in and she was this tiny little thing and so, so sweet. When I told her why she was there she was so apologetic and commiserated with me on the ridiculousness of this insurance stuff. She also thanked me profusely for bringing all my medication bottles and as much documentation as I could. I figured that was common sense but maybe not. I can't imagine she would've written the prescriptions w/out that.
She asked some more history questions, but was so sweet about it that I was able to get through it. Early on she said, "So I saw you were sexually abused as a child. Is that what these issues are from?" Shit. I nodded. I may have eeked out a "yeah." It's still so hard to hear that said out loud...especially from a stranger. I've gotten better at talking about it in some places, but yeah. She said, "Oh I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through that." I didn't really know how to reply so I didn't say anything. She went on to say she'd spent a bit of time in pediatric psych but couldn't do it because so many of the issues came from adults who had hurt kids and it made her violent. It sorta made me giggle inside to see this sweet and itty bitty little woman talking about getting violent. I told her that that's what I want to do...that I could never be a case worker because I couldn't face the parents, but I want to work w/hurt kids and have the passion for it.
Then she asked about my suicide attempt and hospitalization and wanted to know details about it. I realized after a bit that she was asking to know if I still held on to any of those thoughts. I told her that that really wasn't an issue anymore though I was honest with the fact that I was really, really struggling right now. (I wanted to make sure that getting the meds NOW was non-negotiable). She said, "Wow, so all your issues really are from the system right now aren't they?" YES! So nice to be validated about this ridiculous situation and how wrong it is from someone in the system. More of these people need to realize the damage they're risking. Thankfully I have a good support system now but this has really rocked me and in all honesty has pushed some of the suicidal thoughts back. Someone in not such a good place could've been really, really seriously damaged....a lot more than just missing some classes and homework assignments. (And pissing off a few friends that I let down). Anyway, I got a chance to brag a bit about taking better care of myself and the fact that I'm 9 months sober now. (Actually 9.5 months. Yay).
So after 2 hours of this stuff the scripts finally got written. Of course it was well into the evening so the pharmacy was closed, but at least this step is taken care of. The scary news is that apparently the co-pay amount (which already felt a little high to me) is incorrect and it's actually going to be more. So it's not guaranteed yet, but I'm at least a step closer.
I don't know what the next step is (besides picking up the scripts tomorrow. yay.). She asked if I would still be able to see my psychiatrist and I said yes but I didn't know how that would work if I can't fill his prescriptions. She didn't know how it would work either. And it was at this point that I may have accidentally called her not a real doctor. I rephrased right away but we both got a kick out of it. (She was talking about how she wouldn't normally prescribe the meds I was asking for, and I said "well I have a real doctor!").
I wish she could be my long-term dr. but I guess that's not possible. Probably for the better cus the place I had to go to was really far away...but it's rare that I actually like a doctor. I have an appt. on 11/1 which I guess is to get officially established as a patient. Honestly by the time she was explaining all of this to me I really didn't have the energy left to care. I just said ok, whatever. I was so so so so so so so so so ready to get out of that damn room and get home! I went and got some comfort food (aka cheeseburger) and went home to watch Joe Biden beat the crap out of Paul Ryan. Fun times.
Oh and through all of this my heart rate was "only" 88. ;) I'm sure it would've been a hell of a lot higher after all the time waiting for the dr though! I was shaking so bad I could barely move by the time she came in. And I must've stiffened up when she tried to listen to my heart/lungs bc she apologized for touching me. And she kept telling me to take a deep breath. I'm trying, woman! lol
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I'm grateful that all that's over with and I got through it, even by myself. My sponsor had offered to go with me, which was super nice of her and I badly wished she was there, but at the time she offered I really thought it was going to be just talking to someone in an office. It's probably for the best that she wasn't there though, I would've felt really bad to ask anyone to sit around w/me for that long! Anyway, I'll be even more grateful tomorrow when (hopefully) i'll have the meds in hand. Just can't believe it for sure though, as every time I've thought it's figured out something else goes wrong.
I went to see a new doctor today and boy was it tough. I didn't really understand going in what the appointment was going to be, but they told me it would be someone to talk to about getting my meds transferred over ASAP. I pictured going to talk to someone in an office to discuss the issue. Yeah not so much.
I almost missed the appointment because my anxiety is so high it's hard to leave the house. But thankfully they let me in (I have a really good desperate/panic face goin' on right now! lol). They gave me some initial paperwork to fill out, which turned out to be a whole freakin book. They asked a ton of questions. Like always, I had to guess at my family history. I know a little of it but not a lot. Then they asked a bunch of mental health questions, which I tried to be honest about so they could see that I really need my meds. They even asked if I had experienced sexual abuse and when. Sheesh. (They also asked if there was a history w/in my family members of abuse, which I found to be an interesting question. I said no, which is a lie, but I didn't really think it matters.
There were a ton of questions then about sexual partners, but after the top couple I decided not to read and marked no to everything. They were too hard for me to read and think on, and they were all under the heading of AIDS risk, and I've been tested for HIV so I'm not concerned. There were some other tough questions too but they're not coming to mind right now. It took a really, really long time to fill it all out though. The fun part was that I got to be totally honest about all the drug and alcohol questions. That's a first for me. I used to always have to lie on all the questions about if you drink and how much and all that.
After finishing my paperwork this guy w/a very, very heavy Spanish accent called me back. I wish I could tell my real name on here (very simple to pronounce) just to show how badly he butchered it. I didn't recognize my name and wouldn't have known it was me except that there was only one other person in the waiting room who didn't seem to be moving. This guy did my vitals and was clearly knew. He wasn't rough exactly, but he wasn't gentle. I got through that ok but then he left me to wait for the dr. As some of you know already, I despise everything medical. Some of my abuse was done under the guise of medicine. Then being restrained the last time I was in the hospital has made the terror that much worse. I should've brought more options of stuff to do, because my anxiety is so bad already and I had to wait a long time for the dr. I did study for my Spanish test. I figure if I can get through all my flashcards while shaking and freaking out I must have 'em down pretty well! lol I got too shaky to practice them anymore though so I ended up curled up in a corner and considering leaving.
The doctor finally came in and she was this tiny little thing and so, so sweet. When I told her why she was there she was so apologetic and commiserated with me on the ridiculousness of this insurance stuff. She also thanked me profusely for bringing all my medication bottles and as much documentation as I could. I figured that was common sense but maybe not. I can't imagine she would've written the prescriptions w/out that.
She asked some more history questions, but was so sweet about it that I was able to get through it. Early on she said, "So I saw you were sexually abused as a child. Is that what these issues are from?" Shit. I nodded. I may have eeked out a "yeah." It's still so hard to hear that said out loud...especially from a stranger. I've gotten better at talking about it in some places, but yeah. She said, "Oh I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through that." I didn't really know how to reply so I didn't say anything. She went on to say she'd spent a bit of time in pediatric psych but couldn't do it because so many of the issues came from adults who had hurt kids and it made her violent. It sorta made me giggle inside to see this sweet and itty bitty little woman talking about getting violent. I told her that that's what I want to do...that I could never be a case worker because I couldn't face the parents, but I want to work w/hurt kids and have the passion for it.
Then she asked about my suicide attempt and hospitalization and wanted to know details about it. I realized after a bit that she was asking to know if I still held on to any of those thoughts. I told her that that really wasn't an issue anymore though I was honest with the fact that I was really, really struggling right now. (I wanted to make sure that getting the meds NOW was non-negotiable). She said, "Wow, so all your issues really are from the system right now aren't they?" YES! So nice to be validated about this ridiculous situation and how wrong it is from someone in the system. More of these people need to realize the damage they're risking. Thankfully I have a good support system now but this has really rocked me and in all honesty has pushed some of the suicidal thoughts back. Someone in not such a good place could've been really, really seriously damaged....a lot more than just missing some classes and homework assignments. (And pissing off a few friends that I let down). Anyway, I got a chance to brag a bit about taking better care of myself and the fact that I'm 9 months sober now. (Actually 9.5 months. Yay).
So after 2 hours of this stuff the scripts finally got written. Of course it was well into the evening so the pharmacy was closed, but at least this step is taken care of. The scary news is that apparently the co-pay amount (which already felt a little high to me) is incorrect and it's actually going to be more. So it's not guaranteed yet, but I'm at least a step closer.
I don't know what the next step is (besides picking up the scripts tomorrow. yay.). She asked if I would still be able to see my psychiatrist and I said yes but I didn't know how that would work if I can't fill his prescriptions. She didn't know how it would work either. And it was at this point that I may have accidentally called her not a real doctor. I rephrased right away but we both got a kick out of it. (She was talking about how she wouldn't normally prescribe the meds I was asking for, and I said "well I have a real doctor!").
I wish she could be my long-term dr. but I guess that's not possible. Probably for the better cus the place I had to go to was really far away...but it's rare that I actually like a doctor. I have an appt. on 11/1 which I guess is to get officially established as a patient. Honestly by the time she was explaining all of this to me I really didn't have the energy left to care. I just said ok, whatever. I was so so so so so so so so so ready to get out of that damn room and get home! I went and got some comfort food (aka cheeseburger) and went home to watch Joe Biden beat the crap out of Paul Ryan. Fun times.
Oh and through all of this my heart rate was "only" 88. ;) I'm sure it would've been a hell of a lot higher after all the time waiting for the dr though! I was shaking so bad I could barely move by the time she came in. And I must've stiffened up when she tried to listen to my heart/lungs bc she apologized for touching me. And she kept telling me to take a deep breath. I'm trying, woman! lol
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I'm grateful that all that's over with and I got through it, even by myself. My sponsor had offered to go with me, which was super nice of her and I badly wished she was there, but at the time she offered I really thought it was going to be just talking to someone in an office. It's probably for the best that she wasn't there though, I would've felt really bad to ask anyone to sit around w/me for that long! Anyway, I'll be even more grateful tomorrow when (hopefully) i'll have the meds in hand. Just can't believe it for sure though, as every time I've thought it's figured out something else goes wrong.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
This is bad
I really thought I'd be ok w/out meds. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I'm in such a much better place now than I've been in a long, long time. Turns out that's not enough. I'm losin it. I don't know where I've been for most of the day today. Apparently dissociating. Everything in my body hurts from the constant flashbacks. The pain makes me think of the memories of what caused it, which makes me focus on them which makes the pain worse. Bad bad cycle. I can't seem to fight it cus my brain won't stop running like crazy. I'm scared to call anyone, especially sponsor or anyone cus i can barely breathe and don't want to scare anyone away. Hate this so much and i'm so screwed. Unless I can convince someone to lie for me so I can get my insurance back, my other options appear to be to wait at least another month or pay close to $1000. I'm regressing so freaking fast. Starting to feel like I did before the hospital last year. Damn.
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I'm grateful that at least now I have an awareness that there is a good life out there so there's some hope rather than total hopelessness.
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I'm grateful that at least now I have an awareness that there is a good life out there so there's some hope rather than total hopelessness.
Monday, October 8, 2012
;ALJKFELKAJNLVKJBAELKJKJHGA;ELW!!!!!!!!!!!!
My thoughts are racing SO FREAKING FAST right now! It's driving me crazy! I'm still having the seepiness issues like before, but not quite as bad. Now the issue is that I can't get my mind to SHUT UP! Even when I'm talking it's a mile a minute. I can't focus on anything, including on calming myself down or relaxing or anything cus my thoughts are going in a million different directions. It's like eternal craziness and chaos in my head to the point I want to explode. I think it's where a lot of the physical discomfort stuff is coming from too. My head can't get comfortable and neither can my body...everything just feels off...and bad.
Hoping that I'll be able to get to sleep w/out all the panic tonight. No matter how tired I am going to bed is causing mega panic...just like old times. Sooooo much of this is just like old times. Guess it shows the meds are working. I see my dr. early tomorrow morning. Not sure what to expect from that cus I'm not sure if there's anything he can do. He can prescribe generics which I can't afford but he might pressure me to get them cus it's obviously not the healthiest option where I'm at right now. He can write more scripts but I don't think he has any say on where they're accepted. Argh. At least it's something. We'll see. In the meantime it's just....HA;JHT;AKJHEG;LKEJA;LKGJE;LKAJ;GEKLJ as I said before...lol . The good news is that I don't have to work on wednesday so I'll have some time to deal with it then.
Oh, and I learned today that my boss totally stood up for me against angry parents. That's totally awesome because I really wasn't at fault for what I was being blamed for, but as a new instructor who knows. Especially because I thought he might blame me in order to save his own ass. But he didn't. He said the parents were acting obnoxiously (which they really, really were) and that he's not worried about what it means for the company, he's glad to be rid of them. Yay! And I will say my class was SO much more peaceful last wednesday w/out them, so in all honesty I'm glad to know they're not coming back. It still sucks because of course I want all my kids to like the class and be happy/excited about it, but it's still nice to know I'm not being blamed for bratty children (and parents).
I think that's what I'm thankful for....a boss who likes my work and is willing to stand up for me. Yay.
Hoping that I'll be able to get to sleep w/out all the panic tonight. No matter how tired I am going to bed is causing mega panic...just like old times. Sooooo much of this is just like old times. Guess it shows the meds are working. I see my dr. early tomorrow morning. Not sure what to expect from that cus I'm not sure if there's anything he can do. He can prescribe generics which I can't afford but he might pressure me to get them cus it's obviously not the healthiest option where I'm at right now. He can write more scripts but I don't think he has any say on where they're accepted. Argh. At least it's something. We'll see. In the meantime it's just....HA;JHT;AKJHEG;LKEJA;LKGJE;LKAJ;GEKLJ as I said before...lol . The good news is that I don't have to work on wednesday so I'll have some time to deal with it then.
Oh, and I learned today that my boss totally stood up for me against angry parents. That's totally awesome because I really wasn't at fault for what I was being blamed for, but as a new instructor who knows. Especially because I thought he might blame me in order to save his own ass. But he didn't. He said the parents were acting obnoxiously (which they really, really were) and that he's not worried about what it means for the company, he's glad to be rid of them. Yay! And I will say my class was SO much more peaceful last wednesday w/out them, so in all honesty I'm glad to know they're not coming back. It still sucks because of course I want all my kids to like the class and be happy/excited about it, but it's still nice to know I'm not being blamed for bratty children (and parents).
I think that's what I'm thankful for....a boss who likes my work and is willing to stand up for me. Yay.
Update
Things are crazy right now.
I'm not having the pain issues like I was when I wrote before. I've still been sleeping a ton, and when awake still having panic attacks. It's now the middle of the night and I'm suddenly wide awake and can't lay down because I'm panicky. Oh the joys. I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow (or maybe it's today...). Work and homework and phone calls and etc. I guess it's a catch 22 of the more I try to do the more I stress myself out, and then I can't relax so I can't sleep which causes me to sleep more later. Or something. Does that even make sense? lol
Something nice did happen today though. I was scheduled to meet with my new sponsor. First she scared the shit outta me cus she called me in the morning asking if we were still going to meet. I thought I'd gotten the time wrong or something and I was already supposed to be there. Thankfully no...and I said I didn't feel up to going, which I'd been planning to call her to say anyway. She asked if I wanted her to come here, and I said sure if she wanted. I was surprised with former sponsor, after we had our falling out she said on the day I didn't want to see her that I should've told her that or that I couldn't make it and she would've come to me. Of course she never offered at the time that she would come over. But anyway...
New sponsor came over, which was interesting in itself because sleeping all the time doesn't generally lend itself to keeping a place clean and guest-ready. I guess that did put a little energy in me cus I got up and cleaned at least enough to make it not disgusting looking (think dirty clothes scattered on the floor, fast food trash by the couch cus I was generally awake only long enough to eat and then I'd fall asleep again...that kind of thing). Anyway, she came over and brought a whole bag of food, which I thought was super sweet of her. Yesterday I'd actually been wanting to go to the grocery store but didn't make it cus I had a crazy huge panic attack. So I really did need food, but I hadn't mentined that to her at all. I just thought that was really cool and insightful of her. Also I always say that the quickest way to my heart is through my stomach!
It was really nice to talk with her cus she was just understanding and reassured me that I was doing well and that it was going to be ok. I do feel like overall I'm handling this pretty well by not falling apart, but it's still scary and overwhelming. It's nice to hear from someone with a lot more experience than I've got saying I'm handling it well. I'm not sure if things are going to work out long-term with new sponsor as my sponsor for reasons I'm too tired to get in to right now, but she is an incredible woman that I'm so very glad to have as a friend.
Oh, and she totally offered to lie for me and let me use her address to get my insurance. She lives in the county I used to live in so it would work. She of course wants me to exhaust the other options first, but I just thought it was cool and rather ironic that the person who is supposed to be helping me learn to live honestly is also somewhat offering to lie for me. We both agreed that when it comes to certain types of beaurocratic (however ya spell that) bullshit like this ya sometimes just have to do what ya gotta do to make it work. She understands that I've been doing everything I possibly can to make this work, and it seems kinda ridiculous for me to be going through all this when there's such a simple solution to fix it.
Anyway that's all for now...watch just beeped 4am so I guess I need to make another attempt at sleep before I'm totally brain dead tomorrow. That or maybe I'll get up and eat something which might help the panic go away. <Sigh> So so ready to be done with this! (But how am I going to make all my phone calls when i'm so freakin tired?) Harumph!
I'm not having the pain issues like I was when I wrote before. I've still been sleeping a ton, and when awake still having panic attacks. It's now the middle of the night and I'm suddenly wide awake and can't lay down because I'm panicky. Oh the joys. I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow (or maybe it's today...). Work and homework and phone calls and etc. I guess it's a catch 22 of the more I try to do the more I stress myself out, and then I can't relax so I can't sleep which causes me to sleep more later. Or something. Does that even make sense? lol
Something nice did happen today though. I was scheduled to meet with my new sponsor. First she scared the shit outta me cus she called me in the morning asking if we were still going to meet. I thought I'd gotten the time wrong or something and I was already supposed to be there. Thankfully no...and I said I didn't feel up to going, which I'd been planning to call her to say anyway. She asked if I wanted her to come here, and I said sure if she wanted. I was surprised with former sponsor, after we had our falling out she said on the day I didn't want to see her that I should've told her that or that I couldn't make it and she would've come to me. Of course she never offered at the time that she would come over. But anyway...
New sponsor came over, which was interesting in itself because sleeping all the time doesn't generally lend itself to keeping a place clean and guest-ready. I guess that did put a little energy in me cus I got up and cleaned at least enough to make it not disgusting looking (think dirty clothes scattered on the floor, fast food trash by the couch cus I was generally awake only long enough to eat and then I'd fall asleep again...that kind of thing). Anyway, she came over and brought a whole bag of food, which I thought was super sweet of her. Yesterday I'd actually been wanting to go to the grocery store but didn't make it cus I had a crazy huge panic attack. So I really did need food, but I hadn't mentined that to her at all. I just thought that was really cool and insightful of her. Also I always say that the quickest way to my heart is through my stomach!
It was really nice to talk with her cus she was just understanding and reassured me that I was doing well and that it was going to be ok. I do feel like overall I'm handling this pretty well by not falling apart, but it's still scary and overwhelming. It's nice to hear from someone with a lot more experience than I've got saying I'm handling it well. I'm not sure if things are going to work out long-term with new sponsor as my sponsor for reasons I'm too tired to get in to right now, but she is an incredible woman that I'm so very glad to have as a friend.
Oh, and she totally offered to lie for me and let me use her address to get my insurance. She lives in the county I used to live in so it would work. She of course wants me to exhaust the other options first, but I just thought it was cool and rather ironic that the person who is supposed to be helping me learn to live honestly is also somewhat offering to lie for me. We both agreed that when it comes to certain types of beaurocratic (however ya spell that) bullshit like this ya sometimes just have to do what ya gotta do to make it work. She understands that I've been doing everything I possibly can to make this work, and it seems kinda ridiculous for me to be going through all this when there's such a simple solution to fix it.
Anyway that's all for now...watch just beeped 4am so I guess I need to make another attempt at sleep before I'm totally brain dead tomorrow. That or maybe I'll get up and eat something which might help the panic go away. <Sigh> So so ready to be done with this! (But how am I going to make all my phone calls when i'm so freakin tired?) Harumph!
Friday, October 5, 2012
It just isn't right
I've worked fucking hard to get to where I am. And now I'm watching it all disappear before me, all because of money. I can't afford my meds. I got the insurance that was supposed to help, but now, after weeks of fighting with them, I find out they won't accept scripts written by my dr. Only one of their drs and I don't want to switch. And even if I did, I'd have to get on a waiting list and go through all their crap. Who knows when I'd be able to see anyone.
I thought I was doing ok without them. I seemed to be getting into a rhythm, as it's been a little over a week now. But in the last couple days it's just been getting worse. I'm so so tired. I've been praying to not be such an insomniac but this is not what I meant.
Yesterday I went out to an event in the morning. I was so tired from it that I came home and took a 3 hour nap. Even after that I was barely able to stay awake and focus to study for my test.
Well today I was too tired to even get up to take the test. Part of the problem was that I had horrible nightmares last night. I dreamt of being back with the ppl who hurt me. In the dream it was after things had happened and I was trying to make my way upstairs but my whole body hurt so bad I could barely move. I tried to will my body to go but it wouldn't. I woke up simultaneously sobbing in pain and feeling like I was going to puke. It felt like everything hurt but at the same time I couldn't explain exactly what hurt. I have a very high pain tolerance and yet this was unbearable. Finally after enough pain meds (don't worry, I asked a friend what I could take to make sure I didn't OD) and some panic meds that I thankfully still have left, I was able to settle myself down. Once settled I lay down on the couch and managed to sleep through my entire test. I was so so deep asleep that I kept briefly waking up wondering where I was and then falling back to sleep again. I slept all day which meant missing my test, standing up this guy that has been incredibly nice to me and that I had promised I'd help, missing my meeting that I probably really needed, and missing my hockey game that I was really, really excited about. I managed to be awake long enough to shower and eat but that's about it.
This is so horribly not fair. I've worked way too hard to watch my life disappear in front of me like this.
When I am awake I switch between horrible pain and anxiety attacks and feeling like i'm going to die. The pain is still this weird, inexplicable hurts everywhere and yet nowhere thing. It's like my whole body is just unbelievably uncomfortable. and it's starting now so i need to go back to laying down and see if I can sleep for real (not just dozing on the couch). I do have one thing to be grateful for. This is showing me that I do in fact want to live because i'm not feeling like giving up and i'm not wanting to quit. I'm just so fucking angry because this is taking away the life that i've built. But in a sense that's good because it's showing me how badly I want that life.
I don't want to get political on here but I just gotta say...if you're one of those people against health care for all, please, please give it a second thought. Call me selfish, but a person should not have to be in this much pain solely because of money (or lack thereof)! I'm working my ass off, I just don't have money right now because I'm in school, so I can't work full time. I'm definitely not lazy or being a victim or refusing to take personal responsibility or any of that other shit.
I thought I was doing ok without them. I seemed to be getting into a rhythm, as it's been a little over a week now. But in the last couple days it's just been getting worse. I'm so so tired. I've been praying to not be such an insomniac but this is not what I meant.
Yesterday I went out to an event in the morning. I was so tired from it that I came home and took a 3 hour nap. Even after that I was barely able to stay awake and focus to study for my test.
Well today I was too tired to even get up to take the test. Part of the problem was that I had horrible nightmares last night. I dreamt of being back with the ppl who hurt me. In the dream it was after things had happened and I was trying to make my way upstairs but my whole body hurt so bad I could barely move. I tried to will my body to go but it wouldn't. I woke up simultaneously sobbing in pain and feeling like I was going to puke. It felt like everything hurt but at the same time I couldn't explain exactly what hurt. I have a very high pain tolerance and yet this was unbearable. Finally after enough pain meds (don't worry, I asked a friend what I could take to make sure I didn't OD) and some panic meds that I thankfully still have left, I was able to settle myself down. Once settled I lay down on the couch and managed to sleep through my entire test. I was so so deep asleep that I kept briefly waking up wondering where I was and then falling back to sleep again. I slept all day which meant missing my test, standing up this guy that has been incredibly nice to me and that I had promised I'd help, missing my meeting that I probably really needed, and missing my hockey game that I was really, really excited about. I managed to be awake long enough to shower and eat but that's about it.
This is so horribly not fair. I've worked way too hard to watch my life disappear in front of me like this.
When I am awake I switch between horrible pain and anxiety attacks and feeling like i'm going to die. The pain is still this weird, inexplicable hurts everywhere and yet nowhere thing. It's like my whole body is just unbelievably uncomfortable. and it's starting now so i need to go back to laying down and see if I can sleep for real (not just dozing on the couch). I do have one thing to be grateful for. This is showing me that I do in fact want to live because i'm not feeling like giving up and i'm not wanting to quit. I'm just so fucking angry because this is taking away the life that i've built. But in a sense that's good because it's showing me how badly I want that life.
I don't want to get political on here but I just gotta say...if you're one of those people against health care for all, please, please give it a second thought. Call me selfish, but a person should not have to be in this much pain solely because of money (or lack thereof)! I'm working my ass off, I just don't have money right now because I'm in school, so I can't work full time. I'm definitely not lazy or being a victim or refusing to take personal responsibility or any of that other shit.
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