Things are starting to look promising. There's actually discussion of me being able to leave. It's cool cus I've been totally honest about everything and they still seem to think I'm ok. That's reassuring because I always thought if I said what's really in my head that I'd never be accepted and that everyone would think I'm too messed up to be a part of the "normal people" world.
I had a really great group therapy thing this morning. We did a painting thing where we painted our happy place. I LOVE watercolors though I rarely ever use them and it was really nice to get to paint again. I'm realizing how much easier it is for me to talk if I get to do artwork first. When people just start asking questions of me I get overwhelmed and can't handle it, but if I can do it in terms of talking about my art work it's much better. Today it was painting a picture of our happy place. I painted the mountains where I work in the winter in a snow storm, cus I thinks snowstorms are super pretty. I also included a family of snowmen. I said that was part of my happy place because it showed that kids had been out playing and having fun and enjoying their innocense. That means so much to me because I lost really any chance to have that innocent childhood, so I like reminders that there are happy, healthy kids that can still exercise their innocence. I was able to say all that to a group of ppl without freaking out and only crying a little bit.
Last night we were drawing things that give us hope. I drew a sunrise for a whole variety of reasons. Then my second pic had one side that was me sad and surrounded by bad ppl as a chid, and the other half had me as an adult surrounded by kids to lead and skiing and everything else I've done. I think it shows hope that I lived through something I wasn't supposed to survive and now have become someone with a passion to help kids and to help others.
One last thing for now....I'm asking you all to please please please leave comments, send email, send pm's if you're someone I know from one of the message boards...whatever you can do but it means so so much to hear from people right now. I've been especially struggling lately with believing that I matter to the world, so taking time to write to me helps a lot. Also this may be a bit of a shameless request, but if I've done something that has helped you in some way I really really would love to hear about that. Knowing that my actions have helped people and that they matter means so so much. So yeah, I'd love to hear from you.
It's possible I might be getting out today. None of it is for sure but when I asked to change beds to one by the window since my roommate left, they replied by saying we'll talk about it tonight when we know for sure if you'll be here for the night. So at least I know they're considering it. My hold is up this evening, so I'm really really hoping they'll let me out then, even though there is a small bit of comfort (amongst the terror) of being here. As scary as it is, it's nice to have people looking out for me, having meds that I need but being in control of them for me, etc. And they really seem like they have meds for everything...Even to make my flashbacks go away. So cool!
My housing stuff is all messed up, but as long as I know it's messed up anyway i'm not as anxious to leave. This may be just rambling lately but it's a lot to work out. It does feel like, for the first time in my life, the real, inner me is being helped and being heard. That's a really, really good thing
Will update more soon, but again would love love love to hear from all of you. Thanks you!
I am so glad to hear that you felt the group therapy went well. Great progress!
ReplyDeleteThe things you have to say, all of the stuff inside your head are bad choices that other people made. They are not YOU nor do they reflect who you are today. They are an event that happened in your life and it is not YOUR responsibility to keep it a secret or harbor any guilt or shame from those events.
Keep on reaching out and don't be afraid to ask for what you need. Keep talking, keep sharing. It is through your stories that I find ideas on how to help my own children deal with the memories of their abuse.
What are are going through right now is just another event, it is a time in your life that you needed some help. This is a moment that you are dealing with your past but it is NOT a definition of who you ARE or who you have to be! The woman I met was fun and silly and I definitely saw the sparkle in your eyes when we were out trick-or-treating.
You are an amazing person, continue to speak out and use your voice. You are going to climb out from the shadows of the bad choices of other people and show the world how amazing you are!
Thanks so much Jen. I gotta say that trick-or-treating with your family was one of my favorite Halloweens I've ever had. I really felt accepted by your family and that meant a lot to me. :)
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of you so much through out the day today at work. I read part of your blog yesterday. I don't have a lot of time to sit and read the whole thing, although I hope to some day. We've been through so many of the same things. I told you before and I'll say it again, if *I* can make it through all this crap, you can too! You WILL make it, will look back, and see how far you've come!
ReplyDeleteYou've helped me in so many ways! All your posts to me on fp.com, especially when I was struggling with the decision to adopt my adult kids or not and you encouraged me to do it. You know first hand how my kids feel and your encouragement and words of understand mean so much to me. I'll never forget them. You changed a family though your past!
I'm going to keep praying for you! I know you don't have the faith that I do, but I know deep in my heart that God has an awesome future waiting for you. One day you're going to be doing exactly what your heart longs to do. What an amazing life you're going to have! Keep writing! That helps me so much.
Lovemy7