Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Alrighty then

Last night my sponsor and I mutually decided to see other people.

Tonight I found a new sponsor.

Alrighty then.

I gave my now former sponsor the letter I wrote.  She called back last night and thanked me for it, but said that she still felt I wasn't being direct.  I felt I was being as direct as I knew how to be by saying that I'm unbelievably confused.  Basically I said in the letter that I can't imagine doing this with anyone else, but I don't know how to continue with her.  She said that when she says i've been stuck she means with the AA progress, though I have made personal life progress.  I guess that's a big difference.  I don't really know.  To me it feels like it's all huge progress.  The part that bothered me was that she said she thought I hadn't made any real progress since father's day.  Well, a. father's day was a long time ago, and b. father's day was the day that I told her a big chunk of my past story.  So it's hurtful to think that she thinks my progress stopped when I let my past be out in the open.  Though maybe it's just that she doesn't know how to really deal with someone with an abuse history like me.  Dealing with trauma is one thing (and unfortunately very common amongst AA women) but I think my stuff could still scare a lot of ppl off.  Not trying to....errrr....brag?  But that's the truth of it.

Anyway, I felt like I wasn't getting an answer from my sponsor about the big issue that was bothering me so I finally just asked her: "So when you said all that stuff about loving me and being proud of me, did you mean it?"  She responded with of course she did, and that this was a program of honesty so she wouldn't bullshit me.  I think she bullshat (lol) me a little, but whatever.  She told me that I am the most beautiful woman that she's ever sponsored, and she just wants to see me grow.  She thinks for right now the way for me to grow is by getting the perspective of someone new since we seem to be stuck in a stalemate.  She also said that her door is always open and we can still be friends and all that.  The most beautiful woman thing did mean a lot to me, cus she's said stuff sorta like that before and it felt good to hear again.  She says that I have a depth to me that she feels when talking to me that most others don't have.  She says that likely because of my past I now experience life in a different way.  I feel things more deeply, appreciate things more than most can, etc.  It really, really wow'ed me when she told me that.  I wish I could remember the exact words, but anyway...something about feeling energized spiritually from talking to me or something.

But back to tonight.  Ever since (former) sponsor and I officially parted ways, I've been racking my brain trying to come up with who I could ask.  Well really i've been working on figuring that out for at least a couple weeks now because I had a feeling this was coming.  It's much harder to pick someone now because I have more depth in the program and I know a lot more about people.  When I was new, anyone and everyone knew more than I did.  Now I've learned that I need to pick carefully to find someone who can help me get out of this stuff I'm stuck in.

As I thought and prayed about it, one particular woman kept coming to mind.  She was at one of the very first meetings I ever went to, and she was someone I relied on when I had some issues w/my sponsor early on.  I wasn't real sure of her early on...didn't really like my first impression of her to be honest, but I got close to her because she was sponsoring a good friend of mine who started at the same time as me.  (Said friend is now god knows where...likely in jail though I'm praying she's not....though I'm still grateful to her for allowing me to have this relationship with this person that I know really respect and like a lot).  I hadn't seen this woman at a meeting in quite a while, so i was thinking I should just call her anyway and see what's up.

Well, lo and behold I go to my regular meeting tonight and there she is.  Okey dokey god, is this a sign?  But then she starts to talk and talks about how she's been working 12 hour days almost every day and is exhausted and etc. etc.  Well fuck, so much for that.  But then I decided to ask her afterwards anyway.  I told her I understood that she was busy but that my sponsor and I had just parted ways...and before I could even finish asking the question she said yes.  It helped that I was celebrating my 9 months of sobriety tonight (the official 9 months was yesterday but part of the fun of going to different meetings is I get to celebrate it again with different people. :) and she had commented on how good I look.  She seemed excited about it, and said that her work is going in to it's quieter time now.  (I realized after I left that I don't have a clue what she does for work! lol)  It's just temporary for now, and we'll see how it goes, but at least I'm no longer floating in the lost sea of sponsorlessness, which seemed like a bit of a scary, uncertain place to be.  I definitely didn't expect to find someone so fast though!We have a plan to meet for coffee and talk about stuff on Friday afternoon and we'll go from there.  Yay.

Now here's the crazy part.  As I was getting ready to leave she gave me a hug and said, "Love you."  Now as some of you know I despise the word love.  It's just been used in way too many horrible, manipulative ways in my life.  I've reached the point where I can appreciate it from close friends, but even then it often makes me cringe.  But tonight, even though a little piece of me was cringing, without even much of a thought I said "love you too."  Wow.  My first sponsor I knew it was right because she was the first person I felt comfortable calling even though others have given me there phone number.  This seems like a sign too.  Even afterwards as I was walking out I was thinking to myself holy fuck did that just happen??!!  Even with close friends I've never been able to get the words love you back out to them.

For now this seems like where god wants me to be.  We'll see how it goes.  At least I'm feeling a bit better about it all.

It's pretty easy to see what I'm grateful for.  But on top of this a couple of my recent meetings have been on gratitude.  I used to hate gratitude meetings cus I thought my life sucked and got annoyed by talking about all the good stuff in theirs.  But now I love them because it's overwhelming how much there truly is to be grateful for.  One girl tonight mentioned being thankful for her dishwasher, which cracked me up but it's so, so true.  So i'm thankful for my dishwasher, and my fridge even though it sucks and doesn't work half the time, and for rain and for my roof to keep the rain off me and my car so I don't have to walk in the rain and my ability to go to school and I could go on and on but I'm falling asleep typing.  Which I'm grateful for too because there was a significant time in my life where I couldn't sleep at all, or at least not this "early."  (It's almost midnight...but early to sleep for me used to be about 2 am. Now this is super late).

Sunday, September 23, 2012

No idea

Not going to write anything long now because I'm tired and should be sleeping.  The shit with the sponsor is still going on and I don't know what to do about it.  Tomorrow is 9 months sober for me and I think i'm grieving because I want to be celebrating with her.  I wrote her a letter to give my side to everything.  I thought it was a good idea, but then I asked another friend and she basically shot it down entirely.  That left me really confused.  She said that I need to be looking towards love and forgiveness, not blame.  I said I already apologized but she won't budge, so I want her to see my side.  (Essentially, there was more to it than that).  She said if I've decided to move on (which I haven't really decided, but have resigned myself to that) then all I should write in the letter, if I even write anything, is just thanks for your help I appreciate it.

I don't get this stuff at all.  Aren't I supposed to be standing up for myself?  I'm realizing that I was asking her what I thought she should do assuming that she would agree with me.  I didn't expect that she'd go 100% the other way.  I'm so confused because one of the lessons I've been learning is that I need to be direct and not just harbor resentments about stuff.  (I'm supposed to be looking at my part in resentments, which i'm struggling on because I really don't feel like I did much wrong here, but I'm trying to see it.  Also I was the one that apologized. :-P )

I don't mean to be passive aggressive or anything, but she's blown off meeting with me the last 2 weeks.  We usually meet every sunday but these last 2 weeks she just totally blew me off.  2 weeks ago it was cus she was going to the mountains...makes sense I just was a little bothered by how she told me.  It wasn't "I'm going to have to cancel," but just "I'm going to the mountains."  Then this week it's "well I didn't think we were meeting so my friend is coming over."  She did eventually offer Saturday night but i was working.  I tried to say what I wanted over the phone, but that didn't go well which is why i want to meet.

As I write this, something about PTSD came on the news on TV.  A big part of this is her not understanding PTSD and saying i'm using flashbacks as an excuse to not do what I need to do.  I feel like I need to stand up for myself and the progress I have made.  Not an excuse, but just to say that I have made progress, and I'm damn proud of it.  That's most of what the letter says.  I managed to do it I think w/out any swearing, but ya know what?  I'm fucking proud of myself!  There, I said it.  I'm fucking proud of myself and she can't tell me otherwise.


Still grateful for others that have been willing to be my sounding board in this, though I think everyone is getting sick of hearing it. :(

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Just for fun

Ok so after writing all that long, depressing stuff, a friend sent me a laugh at just the right moment.  I've never been one to shop for furniture (yay garage sales, thirft stores, freebies!) but this has got to be the coolest table EVER!

http://www.straightlinedesigns.com/bad.html  (Potty humor...it works for everything...lol)

These are pretty fun as well:


I'm ok

Though it may sound strange, that phrase ("I'm ok") has gotten me in more trouble than any other.  In fact it nearly killed me.

See, when I had the big fall out conversation with my sponsor yesterday, one thing she brought up was the I regularly sound like I don't care, and she thinks maybe I'm trying to pretend everything is fine when it's not.  I was hurt and upset by this, but I can't say that I'm shocked.

I'm hurt because she's the first person I've ever really been honest with.  Or at least tried to be honest with.  I'm upset because she's talking about this like it's something that's been going on for a long time though she hasn't mentioned it.  We've even talked about how I've put in so much work and have really done a lot, so this seems to be coming out of nowhere to me.

But I'm not shocked.

See, I grew up having to convince the outside world that I was just fine even when my life was far from it.  My life depended on it.  I was going through severe abuse at home, but I knew better than to ever let on.  One time a teacher got suspicious because of things I said, and an investigation was launched.  They didn't find enough to convict anyone (and I denied everything I said out of fear).  As soon as it was over my dad beat me 'til I could barely move and told me to never, ever do that again.  So I didn't.

I had to go to school some days with my insides still on fire, and sit there in class like it was just another day.  I had to make sure the clothes I was wearing covered up the marks and the bruises.  And emotionally, I had to smile.  In order to protect my parents, and through that myself as well, I had to just be ok.  So I learned from an early age how to fake it.  I believed very strongly that it would be pure weakness to do anything else.

Looking back I have no idea how I managed.  How does a kid go through that kind of shit and keep it all inside?  I have no idea.  Survival I guess.

The point for me now is that it became a habit.  When things get more crazy on the inside, I subconsciously make more and more of an effort to be "fine" on the outside.  I don't know how to tell people when I'm not ok.  It's become an issue that's nearly ended my therapy right now because we're at odds.  It seems the only way I'm able to talk about things is if someone asks just the right question.  But he (therapist) won't ask too many questions because he wants to let me decide what I want to talk about.  So we sit there in silence and frustration.

Last year, when I was on the verge of killing myself I was so desperate for someone, anyone, to truly hear me.  I needed someone to know how bad I hurt.  But when people would approach me and ask, "how are you?" I would say "I'm good!  How are you?"  Even with good friends the closest I could get to anything was, "A little tired."  A little tired?!  WTF?!  I was planning my own death and even with close friends the best I could do was I'm tired??!  It made me crazy.  I would repeat the words I wanted to say in my head.  I could do it just fine while alone.  But it's like when there's people around a switch flips and I become not quite myself.  I become the strong exterior, smile, show how great things are version of me.  Again for whatever reason, the only way I know to be able to talk about stuff is if someone asks just the right question.  I imagine back then if someone had asked me if I was planning my death I would've said why yes, I am , and here's why.  But of course no one would ask something like that.  So the only way I could get attention for what I needed is to actively slouch down in a corner and look sad and depressed and miserable until someone would ask what's wrong.  Then I could start to talk.  So then of course people start to think I'm being manipulative.  And yes in a sense that is manipulative because i'm trying to make people ask me something, but I don't know how else to approach someone and tell them something is wrong and I need help.  I never learned that skill.

The summer before this last one is when the heat of all the suicidal stuff was happening.  I was miserable.  As soon as I was alone I hurt so bad that I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything but lay in bed.  I thought often about hurting myself.  I'd get home from work and drank until I passed out because that was the only way I could handle the pain.  I was the epitome of misery.  But you know how the people at work described me?  "Smiley."  "Energetic."  "Enthusiastic."  "Passionate."  etc. etc.  I worked with kids, and would get comments often from kids, parents, supervisors, etc. about the impact I was making.

Don't get me wrong it's good that I could do that.  I'm glad I was able to make an impact and it gave me some purpose in life.  But at work I'd feel like I was on top of the world.  I felt so much like I mattered. Then as I was driving home, it was like I crossed through this invisible plane and suddenly all of that was gone.  I was miserable.  I hated myself.  I thought why do I bother, those kids would be so much better off with ANYONE else as their teacher.  During work I would think of great, fun, healthy things to do with my evening.  After work I would eat something cold if I could manage (by the time anything could heat up I would definitely lose interest) and the misery would take over.  It was honestly bizarre.  I knew both the work me and the at-home me were me, but they couldn't have been more opposite.  It amazed me as I thought about it at home.  If those parents knew how I was after work, they wouldn't want me anywhere near their kids.  But instead they were gushing about how great I was.  In some ways it made things hurt that much more.  It made the isolation that much deeper because on the random days that people did invite me to do stuff with them and I wouldn't be able to make it, they wouldn't understand.  They couldn't understand the pain I was in, and how would they?

That is the isolation that nearly caused me to take my own life.  It wasn't just the pain, but the constant fake smiling while I hurt so bad inside.  I was so so tired of trying to be "ok" on the outside, but I didn't know how to do different.  Apparently I still don't.

I guess it's still somewhat good.  I don't want everyone I go to school with, everyone I work with, etc. knowing how messed up I am these days.  (Though they kind of do, I've also, since childhood, tended to be labeled "the weird one" because I do have times where emotions get the best of me and I go extra quiet or awkward or whatever).  But I thought I was being honest with my sponsor.  I thought I was really letting her in.  Aside from some times at IOP, she's the only one I've really let myself cry in front of face to face.  I read her my list of 70+ fears.  I let her know how hurt, damaged, and broken I am.  But apparently she's been seeing me being dishonest, holding things in, not really telling her how I feel.  (Again upsetting, because who knows how long she's really been thinking this...still pisses me off, but anyway...).

Oh and that's one more thing... (was totally gonna make this a short post...damn! lol)....as I've said before here I don't know how to handle emotions.  Recently it's anger, but there's others too.  I feel them, but I don't know how to release them because I've never dealt with them in any other way besides numbing.  I always thought that was dealing.  Anyway lately I thought I was really handling them well because when I would get angry at someone I was able to take a deep breath and talk about it without exploding.  But now sponsor says that that's more of this fake shit, and that I need to be more honest about how I feel.  Hmph.  Just feels like I can't win.  Just when I was starting to think I was getting the hang of this, I suddenly feel more lost than before.


Gratitude...let's see.  I'm grateful that every day is a new day.  That no matter how stupid I feel one day, I have a chance to learn from it and do better the next.  I'm also grateful that now there are multiple people in this world that support me.  I had a couple of close friends before all this, but beyond that I had some acquaintances and little else.  Now I have that list of people to rely on.  I think I've been grateful for this a lot lately...but before something like this would've really sent me into a tailspin.  Now I am able to really look at it, and have lots of different people I can talk to about and get help for it.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Life is weird, Part 2

Ok this is the part I really wanted to write about, but I had to get all the background stuff out there first. If you haven't already, please read the previous post so this can make sense.

So I was feeling really confident about talking w/my sponsor.  I had what I wanted to say all figured out and really felt like once she heard what I was getting at she would realize the issue, we could both apologize, and move on.  Yeah not so much.

Instead it's like she's not hearing at all that the stuff she said to me was so hurtful!  She just kept saying how I screwed up and this is "not the first time."  I honestly don't know the other time she's referring to me....but yeah, it's hard as shit for me to get myself there to meet with her.  All of this stuff is fucking hard.  Usually she compliments me that I keep going with working the steps even though I've had to face some really, really intense shit to do it.  See I didn't just drink for the fun of it.  Even at the beginning I don't think I really did.  I drank to bury some really horrific, painful memories.  I know recovery isn't easy for anyone, and I know it's one of those things that ya just have to suck it up and do, but still!  It's asking a lot, but I'm doing everything I can.

I tried to explain how hurtful her comments were on the day that I was having all the panic attack craziness, but she just doesn't get it at all.  She just kept sayin how the meds stuff could've been prevented, and i need to figure out a way to deal with the panic attacks.  Yeah.  No shit.  I'm workin on it.  If I could just snap my fingers and get rid of it I would!

Then she keeps saying i'm asking her to fix my PTSD issues.  Yeah also not the case.  I just want her to take the time to get it!  To get that I'm not manipulating/whining/whatever.  Some days flashbacks are debilitating.  Sorry but they just are.  I hadn't had a day like that friday in a long time but unfortunately I can't just get rid of them.

I'm just so fucking pissed about this right now.  The more I think about it the more pissed I get.  How is this person that's always supported me suddenly saying all this horrible stuff about me?  She won't acknowledge at all that maybe something she said hurt me.  And she just keeps saying well it's not the first time i've missed a meeting with her.  Ok fine, whatever.  She should know that I'm working my ass off.  Oh and then she says that I'm continuously treating this shit like I don't care.  Again...wtf?!  She's the one that's seen me cry.  She's the ONLY face to face person that I've given details of my past stuff to.  That's not easy stuff to say.  I've cried and poured my heart out to her.  And now she's saying all this....about how she's apparently been thinking this for a long time.  So wtf has all that other stuff meant?  When she told me I was doing well....when she told me she was proud of me...when she said she cared....when she said she "loves" me.  How is it loving to suddenly be pulling this stuff on me?

If I act emotionally i'm supposed to be learning to control my emotions....so I act calmly and she says i'm too matter of fact and clearly I don't care.

Then she asks what I want from her.  But whatever answer I give she doesn't hear it.  I don't know how to put it into words.  I don't fucking know how to talk about this stuff.  That's so much of the issues I have now.  No one ever taught me how to talk about stuff.  I'm trying but apparently it doesn't come out right.  I just want her to have my back.  I want her to get it.  Or at least attempt to get it.  Not just tell me i'm making excuses, manipulating, etc.  I get the tough love thing...I want her to hold me accountable...but when I'm losin it and all she can focus on is what i screwed up on that's not helpful!  I can't handle that!  It just frustrates me and flips me out further.  She says now that it would've been better for me to tell her flat out that I didn't want to meet with her because I was pissed....not because I had homework/laundry/interview prep to do.  Well, i'm sorry I couldn't successfully talk about my feelings to someone who is continually rehashing everything i've screwed up on while I'm panicking so bad I can barely move.  Sure it's something I need to work on, but she's acting like this is the unforgivable sin.  I'm not going to grovel and beg....especially if she's not going to acknowledge any wrong-doing.  I already apologized for her feeling hurt, but frankly I did everything I could and I did the best I could.  Maybe that's what I want.  Maybe I want her to trust me...even just a little bit.  Fuck.

Oh, and to make things worse I went to a recovery based chat room that I visit now and then.  When I was there the other day people were so supportive....and one person especially was telling me they were impressed by all the progress i've made and all this shit.  Same person was there today and goin off on me over stupid shit.  I guess I sort of brought it on myself, but still, suddenly I had a whole chat room full of people talking to me like i'm an idiot.  (If you're wondering, I mentioned I'd been sober for 9 months so really dealing with this stuff was all new to me.  Some idiot said well i have 9 months and I'm already half way through the steps with a sponsee.  I said seriously?  I would want someone with a lot more than 9 months to rely on to guide me through the steps.  Suddenly everyone was jumping all over me no matter what I said about how sobriety time doesn't make someone more together or a better person.  Yeah.  No shit.  But i'd still rather someone with 10 years of quality sobriety experience vs. 10 months.  There's only so much you can experience and learn in 10 months.  Of course everyone is still learning, but with all the work I've put in, the tons of meetings I've been to, I sure don't know shit!  I wouldn't trust just anyone just because they have a lot of sobriety time, but come on now.  Grrrrrrrr.).


Ok struggling to find something I'm grateful for right now.  I'm sure there's something but shit just keeps building up tonight.  I guess I'm grateful for my 9 months....and my progress....no matter what anyone else thinks of it.  There was a girl at the meeting tonight who was there for her very first meeting.  I was really impressed with her because she looked to be fairly young (about my age...serious baby age for AA...lol), had researched AA online totally on her own, come to a meeting and introduced  herself.  That takes a lot....I went to multiple meetings early on where I would show up late after the introductions and what not were over, and leave early before anyone could try to talk to me or touch me or whatever.  Anyway, seeing her reminded me how absolutely bizarre AA feels when you first come in.  I was lucky, I had IOP to rely on in early sobriety while I tried to get comfortable transitioning to AA.  So I'm grateful for IOP, and I'm grateful that I have 9 months of experience to face these issues with without freaking out.

Life is weird...

I wouldn't be where I am now without my sponsor.  She's given me soooooo much, well beyond anything I would've ever believed a person could give.  She listened and she heard me, but also challenged me.  She didn't let me get away with my old ideas that I couldn't...that it was too hard...that I was doomed to be a failure...etc. etc.  She gave me the first glimpse of a new me.

She was there with me as things started to get better.  She celebrated with me when I started to feel actual happiness.  She was my rock in the midst of all the changes, the craziness, the chaos, and everything else.

Now we're fighting.  I guess.  I'm not sure if that's even the right word for it.  But it's not good.

It started 2 Fridays ago.  I had a horrible day.  Horrible, horrible, horrible.  I don't really know what caused it.  I woke up to my alarm, got up, took my shower, got dressed.  Then I started having panic attacks.  The flashbacks came.  I froze.  Suddenly I was curled up on my couch feeling little else other than terror and exhaustion.  I knew I needed to get up and go to class but I was frozen in place.  I was in so much panic I couldn't eat (couldn't handle anything in my mouth), and I was struggling to hold on to any semblance of reality.  Thankfully a wonderful friend was there for me and helped me at least maintain some grip on things.

I made it through the day somehow, barely, and that evening I called my sponsor.  I told her about the horrible day I'd had.  I also told her about the new mini-crisis I'd just discovered.  I had planned on going to the pharmacy to fill my prescriptions after class, but obviously haven't made it.  I wasn't concerned though because I had enough and the pharmacy was open Saturday.  Well, what I didn't realize was that my insurance had expired.  I knew the expiration date was coming up soon, but I'd thought it was the 9th, which was Sunday.  Unfortunately, I sometimes get dyslexic with numbers.  The actual date on the card was the 6th but I'd recorded it as the 9th.  So I was already too late.  Damn.  I'd been on quite a few meds ever since trying to kill myself in August '11.  They all give big warnings not to stop them abruptly, so obviously it was an issue and a concern...and it really put me over the top.

After I told my sponsor this, it seemed to be all she could focus on.  She's in to the tough love approach.  I get that.  She doesn't let me get away with shit.  But after I'd told her how much pain I was in, how horrible my day was, it was like all she could focus on still was how I screwed up and needed to do better with dates.  She went on and on about how I needed to write things down in more than one place...leave notes to myself...etc.  When I told her had I done that I would've written down the wrong dates in those multiple places, she kept at it with how I needed to have someone else confirm things when I write them down, etc. etc.  She just wouldn't let it go.  I obviously realized I'd screwed up, but what the hell?  I tell her I'm having the worst day I've had in a very long time (I really haven't had crazy flashbacks like that in a long, long time) and her response is to go on and on about what I should've done better?!  I was pissed.

I honestly don't remember details of the conversation now.  Just that I was seriously pissed off and hurt.  The person I was so used to getting support from just not hearing me at all.

When we got off the phone I called another AA friend.  Thankfully this friend was amazing and so so helpful.  The first thing she told me was to stop beating myself up for what had already happened.  She realized that it was adding to my panic and helped me focus on what I could do in the moment to start feeling better.  She talked me through settling down and it just absolutely meant the world to me.  Thankfully that friend helped me through the weekend, and helped me prep for the job interview I had on monday that I was really panicked about.  (I could barely finish a thought, much less be showing my best self in an interview!).

I was supposed to have met with sponsor on that sunday.  I was still unbelievably pissed at her though, and unbelievably lost in my own panic and craziness.  I hadn't managed to do much of anything so I had a ton of stuff to do to get ready for my interview the following day.  And I just didn't have the strength to deal with her.  I just knew in my heart that I didn't.  I was so pissed at her that I was just going to not bother with it, but then I decided that I needed to do the right thing and call her to let her know I wasn't coming.  I prepped myself beforehand.  I made the decision that I didn't want to argue it, or say anything to upset her or that I would regret or any of that, so I was just going to say flat out that I couldn't make it.  I ended up telling her that I wasn't able to make it, and mentioning that I had tons of homework, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. to get done.  That was all true, though of course not the full reason.  She again launched in to me...talking about how I need to take my program seriously and yada yada.  But she also told me she had other stuff to do so it didn't seem like a huge deal.  I did say that I was taking things seriously, because I am.  I really really am.  I'm working my ass off at this stuff.  But beyond that I just left it.  I told her to enjoy her day and that was that.  I think I might have cut her off a little by accident (when she said she had other stuff to do, I thought she was telling me she was heading off to do that) but everything seemed fine.

I stayed pissed for another couple days...while still so grateful for my other friend helping me through the interview and everything else.  But after a really helpful meeting on relationships on tuesday night, I decided I needed to remember that she was human too, and I needed to get this out in the open rather then keeping it in.  I called her that night and her phone was busy (she's about the one person in the world with no cell phone and no call waiting! lol).  I called again Wednesday but it was busy when I called.  Since I was still unsure about things with her, I didn't feel up to putting in tons of work to get in touch with her.

By Thursday I started to wonder though.  Usually if we haven't talked in a couple of days she calls me, since she knows it can be hard to get through to her on the phone sometimes.  But I hadn't heard anything.  So, I called her during the day on Thursday when I knew she wouldn't be home just to leave a message.  I told her I missed her, that I was trying to get in touch with her, and that I hoped she's ok.

She called me that night and it was awkward.  There was definitely the big elephant in the room, as we made small talk about other stuff.  Finally I mentioned something about a meeting i'd been to where accountability had been a part of the topic.  At that point she jumped in and pretty much put her mom voice on.  She said, "Well you're talking about accountability.  You blew me off on Sunday and that's not how you treat someone you care about.  I'll still work with you, but only if you apologize and tell me you won't do it again."

To which I thought, "Say what??!!"  I was totally shocked because I felt I'd done the right thing by calling her.  A lot of not so nice responses came to mind, but I took a breath and kept my cool (which I'm totally amazed by and proud of! :).  I gave her the politicians apology....I told her I was sorry she'd felt hurt, but that i'd felt as though she was essentially kicking me while I was down when I'd talked to her before rather than be supportive.  She kind of changed the subject at that point which was weird to me.  She didn't accept nor reject my apology.  She didn't acknowledge that I too had felt hurt.

For the rest of that call I pretty much just sat back and let her talk because I was really upset.  For one thing I felt like she was talking to me like I was 2 and she was putting me in time out.  Secondly, she wasn't acknowledging my feelings at all.  At all.  Not even a tiny little bit.  I was again really put off by it and didn't know what to do.  We've talked a couple of times since then but it just hasn't felt the same. I was really uncomfortable leaving it how it was, but unfortunately she cancelled our usual meeting for this last sunday.  Actually she hardly even cancelled it....she just didn't even mention it happening or anything.  She just said "oh yeah I'm going up to the mountains with some friends on Sunday."  She never said a word about our usual meeting.  Ok frustrating, because i'd planned that when she asked about that I could bring up how i was feeling.  Or we could use our usual meeting time to talk through this stuff.  But no.

So after talking to some others about it, I decided I needed to bring it up and say what I needed to say.  I called sunday night and left a message since she wasn't home yet.  I asked if she had time we could meet because I wanted to talk to her in person (though I figured she wouldn't because of her work schedule which is why we normally meet on Sundays).  She called today and said she couldn't meet and wanted to talk over the phone.  Ok not what I wanted because I feel like stuff gets lost over the phone, but I guess I'll take what I can get.  She seemed surprised that I had stuff I wanted to talk about so I guess she's not seeing an issue in things the way I am.  But the stuff she said left me really shocked and really upset....though I'll have to leave that for another post because this is getting long already.  hahaha suspense! lol

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sad...update #3

This one's gonna be quick because I'm super tired.  I got to our meeting spot and he wasn't there!  I called him and he didn't answer.  I called again and still no answer.  I sent him a text and then sat down to figure out what to do next.  I was pissed!  I had just talked to him an hour before and he was standing me up?!

Well, just a few minutes later he called and said he was on his way.  A little frustrating but he said he got in an argument with his mom on his way out and that made it take him a lot longer to leave.  Whatever.  At least he showed.

He looked amazing.  He was a big guy when I first met him but he started working out and went on a diet.  He's lost a ton of weight and the difference is amazing!  He seemed happy, and had lots of good stuff to say.  There was only a quick bit of awkwardness, but mostly it was just like old times.  He even remembered some of our jokes better than I did.  It meant SO much to me that he still remembered them, because that means they meant something to him too.  I was afraid it'd just been some silly nothingness to him.

It turns out his 1st AA birthday is next Sunday, so we're almost exactly 3 months apart.  He actually agreed to maybe let me take him out for dinner. :)  I assumed he'd have family stuff to do, but he said since I've been there with him from the beginning he'd really like to spend it with me.  Awwwww.  Not holding my breath, but still nice that he would consider it.

We mostly talked about silly stuff, but he helped me with some serious stuff too.  He's definitely not interested in a romantic relationship (he told me about 2 different girls that are hot and that he's in to) which is totally fine by me.  I'm just glad to have him back as a friend!

Sad...update #2

So I kind of accidentally blew him off today.  I didn't really mean to, I was just tired and got distracted. But he ended up calling me about an hour or so after I said I'd call him/come see him/whatever.  As sad as it may sound, the fact that he actually called is huge for him.  He's like me...not a phone guy.  He apologized again for making me feel like he didn't care, and he gave me a run-down of some of the shit he's been dealing with.  Basically....he got caught way off guard by how difficult his school program is.  Last year when we were on the same campus he was just doing pre-req's.  Now he's in the "real" program, and it's the type where they set your schedule and it's a ton of work.  He didn't realize how intense it was going to be so now he's behind and having a ton of homework to do every night.  His parents are supporting him so he can focus on school and not work, but in exchange they're putting a ton of pressure on him to get all A's.  Pretty intense for someone who has never really been the student type.  I know he struggled just with passing the pre-req's last year, though he was working then.  He has some other stuff happening too, which is too much to go in to now.  But now that I've heard the story, it makes a lot more sense why his texts were so weird.  I still think he's a bit of an ass, but I can totally see where he would've been too overwhelmed or just forgotten.  

So...i'm giving in.  I'm driving across town to meet him for coffee.  Here's hoping! :)  (Smiling like a smitten 12-year-old again....lol  Trying not to get too over-excited).

Sad....an update

Well, as I mentioned at the end of my last post I decided I had nothing to lose and sent him a text asking why he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.  He eventually did write back saying that's not true, that he likes hanging out with me, he's just busy with school.  He said he'd be doing homework at Starbucks today and that I should come meet up with him there.  I didn't answer right away so he sent another text saying, "Just to let you know, I've missed talking to you."   Hmmmm....ok...sounds nice.  I wasn't about to let him off that easy though as that is not what he's shown me.  So I told him that I understood being busy with school all too well, but it was hurtful when his texts, if he replied, were never more than a couple words long, and that it made me feel like he didn't care.  (I wanted to say more about this and how I felt if he had time to text a couple words he at least had time to say "I'm busy with school but doing well" or whatever the case may be.  But text so isn't the medium for going into detail...it would not have been my first choice at all but it seems the only one he'll actually communicate in!)  Anyway, after I sent that he replied with, "I really do care.  I didn't know you felt that way.  I'm sorry."  Of course anyone can say anything over texts, but "hearing" him say I'm sorry feels sooooo freakin' good!

He asked again if I would meet him at Starbucks today.  I don't want this to turn into a he says jump I say how high thing, nor do I want to be chasing him and his every whim around to get a chance to see him.  I do want to see him though.  So I replied that that sounds nice, but that the time he suggested wouldn't work for me.  Maybe later.  And he said, "Ok, I'll be there all day."

So I guess we'll see what happens.  I'll probably call/text later when I'm done with my stuff and see if he replies.  There's no way I'm driving out to the Starbucks by him without actual confirmation that he's there (not to mention I forget where it is! lol).  I'm being much more careful about things this time, but I'm tentatively adding a 3rd option to the list from before.  3).  He's really unbelievably thick-headed!  In a sense that still makes him an ass, but at least an unintentional one! lol

I'll let ya'll know how it goes but for now I just want to say...man this standing up for myself shit is fun!

Saturday, September 15, 2012


It's been a while since I've blogged.  I've been meaning to for a long time...had lots of posts in my head.  I'd planned to come post about the whirlwind my life has been in the month since I last blogged, and I do still plan to do that, but for now I have something else on my mind.

I'm sad tonight.  I met this guy back when I was in IOP.  This guy and I couldn't have been more different, and honestly he annoyed the crap outta me when I first met him.  I found him to be an unbelievably full of himself know it all.  He already had a couple of months sober when he came into the program, so after my relapse he was a bit more than 3 months ahead of me.  (Funny part is that back then that amount was HUGE to me....because 100 days was unfathomable when I struggled to link more than a week or so.  Now a difference of 3 months really isn't that big...and once we both have a year then we'll seem really close in time).  Anyway, he had already been in inpatient rehab before coming to IOP so he didn't stay super long.  He came in well after me and graduated before me.  (Granted I had a rather long stay in IOP....I needed remedial lessons...lol  But at least I made it out the "right" way...rather than the ones that disappeared/gave up or got kicked out for screwin around).

After this guy graduated, and I wasn't really sad to see him go, I seemed to keep running in to him.  And honestly every time I saw him I started liking him more.  We were going to the same school at that time, and he happened to have a class that started after mine ended.  We'd talk in the halls for the 15 min. or so before he had to go in to class.  I found I enjoyed his company outside of a treatment setting...when we could just talk about whatever rather than recovery focused stuff.  (OK meetings and whatnot did come up....but in a much more limited way).  I ended up having to drop that class though, so I again thought that would likely be the last time I'd see him.

Then one night I was at a meeting w/my sponsor.  It was the meeting where I first met her, but I didn't go there often because I didn't feel I clicked with many of the people there.  Well, guess who happened to be there at that meeting!  It's funny because during IOP we'd talked about what we look for in a meeting and he and I had said pretty much exact opposite things.  So it was fitting, and funny, that he had apparently been spending a lot of time at this club where I really didn't like the meetings.  (He liked talking with the "old-timers" with lots of years of sobriety because they had experienced so much life while sober and showed him it was possible and could help guide him through anything....I got intimidated and annoyed by people with so much sobriety because I felt I didn't have a connection to them.  I still feel that way in some cases, but especially early on I much preferred getting advice from someone who had a year or two...or less...or at least single digits...because I couldn't fathom staying sober a year much less 10+ years).

Anyway, we once again reconnected at this particular meeting, and I started going every week mainly just to hang out with him.  I gave him rides home a couple of times and it was on those drives that this incredible connection blossomed seemingly out of nowhere.  While I was still in a bit of a rough place in life, and really struggling, we could both make each other laugh so hard we cried and our sides hurt.  We had these never-ending inside jokes that built and built upon each other until it was like we were speaking a language no one else could understand.  We could say one word to each other and crack the other one up.  Sometimes it was just a look.  It became almost dangerous for us to sit by each other, or even where we could see each other during meetings because we would get each other laughing so much.

Now I've never had a boyfriend.  I've never dated.  I've been with plenty of guys, but never really by choice.  Even relationships I'd thought were of my choosing were really, I realized later, based on manipulation.  So in the world of dating and such, I'm basically a 12-year-old.  I'm starting to develop interest and have no idea how to act on it.  Well, I hadn't thought I'd ever be interested in a guy.  I (understandably) have major trust issues with everyone, but especially males.  But with this guy I felt a connection and I felt safe.  I was able to stop second guessing his motives.  I could actually picture a physical relationship somewhere down the road.  (Not thinking anywhere huge here, but I enjoyed holding hands with him which was huge in itself for me).

Then suddenly he stopped coming to the meeting.  Well first he just missed a week.  Then another week.  Then one night I saw him in the parking lot.  He was leaving as I was arriving.  He said he'd just met with his sponsor, as he usually did before the meeting, but he was worn out from school so not staying for the meeting.  I told him I missed him and he said he was going to get back to going to the meeting regularly.  I asked if he wanted to get together.  This was on a Friday.  We decided to meet up that Monday evening.  I was going to a meeting closer to his area (he lives waaaay out in the boonies).  We didn't make a definite plan which bothered me because he's not great about answering his phone...but he said for sure we'd meet up and we'd plan the details later.

Early on Monday I texted to confirm our plans.  No response.  Later, before my meeting I texted again. Still no response.  I'd hoped he would text during the meeting but no.  I called immediately after the meeting.  No answer.  I was supposed to go meet him right after the meeting.  I stayed an extra half hour hoping for a reply but nothing so I texted again telling him I was going home.  That night about midnight I got a reply.  But it wasn't an apology or anything, he just said that he was upset.  I asked what happened and he said he'd left his phone in his car.  He sort of said he was upset with himself for leaving the phone....more just upset in general though and not taking any responsibility or seeming to be at all aware of how I felt.  He offered to do something the following day instead.  Sort of.  The offer made it sound like it would be a huge burden to him but he would be willing to to make up for it.  I pretty much said f- that.  If I'm a burden I don't want to do it.  So I didn't reply.

That was essentially the last time we talked...a couple of months ago maybe.  I've mostly stopped going to that meeting, but my sponsor still goes and she says he hasn't been there.  About a month ago I was thinking of him and how much I miss the fun we had together.  I sent him a text telling him so and asking how he was doing.  He answered with something to the effect of "I'm great."  No "It's great to hear from you, how are you?" or anything of that nature.  Just "I'm great."  I waited a bit for more to be added and finally said "so staying busy with school then?" trying to make conversation.  He replied with "yep."  And that was it.  I came to 2 potential conclusions from this.  1.)  He's really not ok...either back to drinking/using or just not doing well in general so not wanting to talk.  2.) He's an ass.  So I guess in that sense I'm hoping he's an ass.  Because I'd rather him be a sober, healthy ass than be doing something that could kill him.

I'd pretty well let it go, but it's all coming back up tonight because it's birthday night.  At the club that held the meeting we used to go to together, they do a night once a month to celebrate everyone who has an AA birthday that month.  They have cake, and each person who has a birthday speaks about their experience and such.  His name is on the list, so in theory that means he's still sober.  That's good.  I called him but no big surprise, he didn't answer his phone.  My sponsor called his sponsor and I guess he didn't answer either.  (His sponsor has gotten involved with a girl with major drug issues who can't seem to string together any real sobriety and apparently has taken many men out with her...another big red flag).  Anyway, I sent him a text to congratulate him, ask him if he was going to birthday night, and threw in one of our old inside jokes.  Not surprisingly, he didn't respond.  What makes me so sad about it is that when we would have these jokes together we would always talk about him putting them in to his birthday night speech (since his would come up before mine).  We had nearly "written" an entire speech worth, and it was hilarious though no one else in the world would get it.  So now it's like sealing the deal on the fact that whatever we had, relationship, friendship, or whatever else, is done.  We're not getting sober together now.  I have lots of ppl in AA who support me...ppl who have been in the program a long time, but with him it was like we were growing up together.  We were discovering and learning things together....like the two kids around all the other grown-ups.  Unfortunately, most everyone I was "growing up" with have disappeared...likely back to drinking.  At least he's still apparently sober and in the program.  But now, instead of laughing with him and celebrating his birthday with him through a speech no one else would understand (I'd been wanting to see how many of our jokes I could actually get him to say...lol) I'm instead left to pray that he is just a sober ass.

JJ I miss you.  I wish I knew better what was going on.

He did finally reply to my text with another 2 word reply.  "U know."  Whatever that means.  I guess he's referring to the joke part but he didn't answer any of my questions.  I finally decided to say something about all this...rather than waiting for him to come to me as was the original plan.  I replied back with "Why do you never want to talk to me anymore?"  So far no answer, but at least I've put it out there now.  That's one thing I've been learning a lot lately....that I do have the ability to stand up for myself, even to men, and take my power back without completely losing it emotionally.  And I'm hurt by him but I know it won't get the best of me because I'm stronger than that.  But I do wish this night had gone a very, very different way.  I'd given up weeks ago that it would, but now that the actual night is here it hurts again.  This emotions/relationships/not numbing everything out stuff is hard!


What I am grateful for is the amazing thing that AA does offer....that there is always someone I can talk to.  I have a whole list of friends I can call now.  Even if they're not friends like him that I would spend a ton of time with, I know I can still rely on them when I need them.  And then if they're not around I have lists of numbers of people I can call...even though some of them I barely know.  And if that fails I have a chat room of people in recovery I can go to.  I hadn't been there in a while but I went back today and some of them even remembered me.  I talked to them about some of the crap I have going on and even in the midst of that one of them commented that they remembered me from when I'd come in before and were amazed at how much I'd grown in my ability to talk things out and figure out rational ways to deal with stuff.  Pretty damn cool.  And on that note I'm also grateful for, as I mentioned above, this new-found ability to know what I believe in and how I feel and to stand up for it....to say what I think and really stand behind it without losing my cool and screaming at anyone or hurting myself or wanting to drink or any of the old ways i used to handle things.  (Ok I still want to drink over it sometimes, but it's a fleeting thought rather than an obsession).