Spoke to my therapist today....told him all about my big over the weekend meltdown/crash thing. I gave him all the details...how out of control I was...how I cut and rather than it helping me to gather my thoughts instead it made me want to do more and go deeper. I told him how much that scared the hell outta me. I told him how I felt like I was drinking to drown my thoughts enough to save me from more damage with the knife. I showed him the damage I'd done. It was unbelievably scary to let all this out, but I knew I needed to. I knew I needed to be honest and face the consequences, because lying would do me no good.
We discussed the potential of needing inpatient, but since the cutting had been limited to just that once and I was able to reset myself towards healing, he thinks i'm ok without it for now. However he made it clear that it would be a serious consideration if another cutting episode were to happen. I have to say that I agree with him. I didn't feel safe at all after the cutting on friday and was very afraid of myself. I don't want to be in that position again.
From there we had a bit of an argument. He went back over how I need to be safe and how dangerous drinking and cutting are. I just got frustrated because I know the dangers in these things. I understand that especially considering all the new psych meds I'm on it's really not safe for me to be drinking. I can see, when I look back on it logically, where I made the bad decisions to send myself down such a bad path. But I'm frustrated because all the focus seems to be on what not to do...and no one is telling me how to handle the crap in my head. I know what not to do, and I know why, but when everything hurts so much logic goes straight out the window.
I understand his logic that we don't want to be delving too deep into the crap in my head right now, because we don't want to be bringing up new crap that will potentially lead me to more bad decisions. But at the same time, I feel like I'm dealing with the same issues, but just having my coping mechanisms stripped. I hadn't cut like this in a long time, but take away my drinking to numb the pain and I have to come up with something else to be able to get through. I've gotten some help with relaxation, focus, and grounding techniques through the classes and groups i've been doing, but I want someone to give me some real, specific help on how to survive this shit without the stuff that I know is unhealthy but I feel that I need.
So the plan now is to talk to the dr. and get me on some different meds that will hopefully continue to work with the sleep thing, help me through the anxiety, etc. Speaking of which, I just realized I forgot to take my meds so I'd best go do that. Now that it's been decided that I don't need inpatient i'm cleared to go back to iop again tomorrow...so hopefully i can sleep tonight and hopefully I can talk enough in iop to get some good help. That's the story for now. Dr. appt. is monday and next t appt is next tuesday. Not sure what I'm expecting to change but hopefully something somewhere will click. Also see school t tomorrow which i'm really looking forward to. Haven't seen her in quite a while but I like her a lot. And she brings in a new, very different view so maybe she'll have some other insight for me.
Tonight i'm grateful for the local hard rock radio station. Rocking out after these tough appointments has become absolutely essential to me. This station seems to always be playing great songs and I feel such a great release from screaming along with the radio! It also gives me the strength before sometimes when I'm scared to go.
I was never a cutter but I had other unhealthy coping mechanisms, like you do. I know what it feels like to be told "You cannot do this." and wonder what the hell I was supposed to do instead. It was so frustrating! Then I felt like inpatient became a punishment, sort of.
ReplyDeleteLike if I didn't do as I was supposed to, I would end up inpatient. I see now that it was to keep me safe from myself, when I was unable to do so.
I don't want to suggest much because you have finally found some people who seem to understand you well, and are offering good solid help. Taking advice from Internet strangers is not the best route..lol. Even if it is well intentioned.
I just wanted you to know someone out here in the world gets you, and what you are going through and is really rooting for you to make it through all this crap.
I read a different blog, also written by a young person from a hard background. What I love so much about your's is that you are taking responsibilty for making sure you have a much, much better future. No one can do that except you, and it's fantastic that you are.
Slip-ups happen. That does not mean you wasted time or effort. Learning to build something takes time, and mistakes happen. Regroup and start again.
I haven't met you but I am so proud that you are putting one foot in front of the other, and working so hard at honesty and trust.
My shrink used to tell me to Just Keep Swimming!
Oh..and the best revenge is living well! :-)