Just between us...

I'm going to let you all in on a little secret...because really it's just so good it needs to be shared. I'd tell you not to tell anyone, but no one here knows any of my face to face life people. Hence the beauty of this blog. So...

I mentioned in my last post that I brought cookies to IOP and they were a hit. I kind of had to force Stupidface to take one because as he said, he's "not a cookie guy." Weird...cus everyone should like cookies...but whatever. Well later on today I got a call from the clinic number. Because of the nature of the clinic, getting a call from them is generally an uh oh, what did I do?? kind of situation. I couldn't answer it bc I was in my art group but I nervously listened to the message later. Well...it was Stupidface calling to tell me that my cookie was the best he's ever eaten and he doesn't even like cookies but he absolutely loved mine. Gotta love a phone call just for that! lol

Now then...here's the secret. These amazing, orgasmic, best ever cookies...are the slice and bake Pillsbury cookies! lol Everyone's been asking for my "secret recipe." I haven't given any info one way or the other, but I have been purposely vague about the actual baking process...just for the fun of it. Back to that whole comic relief thing! lol Also, just in case you were wondering, Pillsbury sugar cookies with Betty Crocker icing are apparently orgasmic. Good life lesson there.

Now on a slightly more serious note...

After posting my positive post earlier today, things got a bit less positive. I just got absolutely overwhelmed by the nightmare/flashback that wouldn't leave my head. I was grounded enough to separate myself from it, but not enough to stop seeing it over and over again. It was just so overwhelming to see and remember, and I wanted to cry and grieve for that little girl but I just couldn't. I think my inability to grieve for it at all left me stuck and ended up leading into a major panic attack. However after talking to a friend and making very good use of my art group time, I was able to process it. (Going to try to figure out how to post some art work pics on here...they're worth seeing). Anyway...this panicky stuff went on throughout the afternoon, so I skipped my errands and came straight home and journaled (still working very hard on following t's advice to journal when things get tough or crazy or whatever). What came out of my journaling absolutely shocked me....as in pinching myself to make sure it's real and make sure it's really me holding the pen. I think despite the unbelievable pain of the day, I was able to genuinely come out on top with some good realizations. I want to share them here, because I'm so wow'ed by them I don't want to be wow'ed alone. I've been very in to free form just to get my thoughts out type writing. So...here's the first...

Fear
It's OK to be afraid
It's natural
This is scary shit
Anyone who had seen it
Would be afraid
It doesn't matter that it was many years ago
It's scary shit to have seen.
It's terrifying to know.

Fear is not a lack of bravery or strength.
A brave person has fear
But continues on anyway.
That is strength.

Can't fight the fear.
Fear is there.
Natural.
It's OK to be afraid.
It doesn't have to be logical.
Anyone seeing what I'm seeing.
What I've seen.
Again and again
Would be afraid.

I can be brave and strong and fearful.
I don't always have to fight.
I can't be emotionless from the horrors.
Wouldn't that show more wrong?
It's OK to feel and to hurt.
It's OK to be scared and then continue on.

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This is huge because it's something I fight with a lot. I HATE that the shit from my past still scares me so so bad when it comes up. No matter how much I know I'm safe, I know I'm an adult, I know they're nowhere near me now, it still just puts absolute terror into me whenever there's a flashback or nightmare. I beat myself up about it bad because I feel stupid fearing a memory. But I'm finally realizing what I've been told hundreds of times...that visions/memories of a big person doing terrible things to a little person is always going to be scary and bring up all sorts of pain and strong emotions. Add to that that it was the people that were supposed to be protecting me and guiding me through my childhood that were doing the hurting and it adds even more pain, anger, and frustration. I feel like since all of this was 10+ years ago that I should be able to just "get over it" but i'm learning that it doesn't work that way. It also hit me today that if I had come out of what I did and said "oh well...life goes on..." and that was it, that would be a lot stranger than fearing it and grieving it the way I am now. I will need to learn eventually how to face these fears, but it's amazing to me that my subconscious is picking up on all these messages that the fear itself is not the issue and that it's ok to be sad and scared (something I've never, ever learned or been comfortable with).

Here's the next bit I wrote. It was inspired by IOP today when we were asked to say what we believe is the most important sign/key for successful recovery. One person said optimism, which got me thinking.

Maybe
Maybe I can have a future.
A real one.
Maybe someday I'll feel real, true happiness,
Not a falsified wish.
Maybe someday I'll just be me,
Not defined by the bad I've done and has been done to me.
Maybe someday I'll succeed.
Maybe someday I'll be free.
Maybe someday I won't feel "messed up," "broken," or "wrong for my world."
Maybe someday life will be a journey,
Not a fight.
An adventure,
Not a battle.
Maybe someday I'll have friends
Who know the real me.
Maybe I'll love,
And be loved.
Maybe I'll find something meaningful to do
And feel proud.
Proud to be me.
Maybe someday I won't hate myself,
And I'll see the positives within.
Maybe someday life won't hurt,
And I'll say I feel good,
And mean it.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll heal.
Yeah.
It could happen.

I just keep reading those last few lines over and over. Maybe I'll heal. It could happen. This is another huge revelation for me. I have one friend who I talk to about this kind of stuff a lot. I find myself asking her repeatedly "will I ever get better?" and "does this ever end?" and all sorts of questions like that. I need her constant reassurance because when you're down as deep in the darkness as I am, it's really hard to believe there's even a light at the end of the tunnel, much less a way out of the tunnel all together. This writing is such a huge, huge sign for me that something is going right. It's still pretty much impossible for me to picture a time when I'm "healed," but I can now wrap my mind around the possibility that it could happen. I am starting to be able to see that there could be a way out of this. Two months ago I was so sure that there wasn't a way out that I came very close to taking my own life. After that I was begrudgingly sticking around for other ppl's sake, because I couldn't believe that there was any sort of quality life for me. I'm so excited by this writing. I had only planned on writing the fear part, and then this jumped into my head so strongly that I had to drop everything, pull out the journal, and get it down on paper. Since this was free association writing, I think this is what is really in my head, and what I really believe. I just can't even tell you how amazed and excited I am. For the first time in a very, very, very long time I'm feeling like I have a future, and I have something to strive for. Wow. If my tears weren't all dammed up for some reason I'm sure this would be bringing me to tears.

Clearly, I'm grateful for this new hope that has been given to me despite everything else that I am faced with right now. I can't put in to words how grateful I am for this. A weight has been lifted off my heart. It feels life changing.