A bit less miraculous

Last night sucked. There's really no other way to say it. It was bad.

I had a really, really awful nightmare. Truthfully I don't know if it was a nightmare or a flashback. I don't know if I ever fell asleep. Regardless it was very very vivid and I couldn't escape it. Even after I woke up and knew logically where I was and that I was safe, I still couldn't get the thoughts and feelings out of my head. It kept playing again and again in my head. I had all the same feelings like it had just happened again, even though logically i knew it was something that had happened many, many years ago.

This isn't the kind of thing you can go back to sleep from. I felt awful. I realized quickly that laying in bed wasn't going to help anything and instead was making me more freaked out, angry, and frustrated. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to accept that sleep wasn't going to happen and get up, turn the lights on, and do something else. I had something to eat, I finished my puzzle, cleaned a bit, did some homework, played computer games, talked to some people online, and even baked cookies. The night seemed like it went on forever, but at least I was doing something relatively productive, or at least safe. When the nights drag on it's really really hard not to want to drink. That's how I used to always fall asleep and it's hard to keep my thoughts strong as the night wears on me. So even though it was a hellish, awful night, it was a pretty good hellish awful night. Probably the best I could've realistically asked for. I finally fell asleep barely an hour before my alarm was due to go off. I was totally amazed to see that even with that little real sleep I was still able to get out of bed so much more easily than I have in a really long time!

I told my iop group pretty much everything I've written here lately....about finally accomplishing things, my miraculous wakeup, having the horrible nightmares, etc. etc. I described it as being all over the map, but was surprised to see that it took an overall positive tone...that even after my horrible night last night, the good might still be outweighing the bad. Stupidface asked if I might have more to look forward to in my life and feel excited about which is why i've been able to get up so much more easily. I like this way of thinking. For a long time now I've been waking up with actual feelings of terror, so this is an amazing break from that. I think another big part of it is that even if i'm not actively looking forward to anything, I'm finally being honest with myself so life is a bit less overwhelming. The honesty thing has been a big theme for me lately, and ironically a big theme for iop today. It's not that i've necessarily been lying to people, but in the last couple of months I've started to truly embrace my inner fucked up self. Part of that is spending what feels like more time in therapy than out, but i've started being much more honest at school to about who I really am. I've quit trying to present myself as the perfect, together person. IOP and the other groups has helped a ton with that, because i've seen people continue to care about and accept me even though they know how deep my issues go (ok not everything, but way more than anyone else in my life ever has!). I've had that sort of acceptance online before, but this is a first for me in the face to face world. I think it's really helped to change my outlook on the world, as well as my stress level. It's amazing to have a group of ppl that I see 3 times/week that not only doesn't freak out by what I say but even tend to reply with "yeah, me too."

And here I go again. This was supposed to be a post about my crappy night last night and I'm gettin all positive again. Hmph. Oh, I brought my cookies to IOP and they were a big hit. I was worried they wouldn't be good because I baked them at 3am. But everyone loved them and they went super fast. One woman even described them as orgasmic! lol (And made all the sounds to go along with that while eating her first). It was fun to bring something so simple and positive to the group. I feel like good, sugary food can be amazing because it transcends all the other crap. When things in my life have been so bad that nothing seems right, at least sweets can still taste good. lol The joke became that they hope I continue to not sleep so I can bring them more sweets. I'd rather the sleep, but it's nice to see that I can survive a nightmare-filled, sleepless night without drinking or hurting myself, and even have some small positives come from it.

Today I'm grateful for...

The positive power of sugar cookies.

Understanding people I get to see after a tough night. Knowing i'd get to see them in the morning helped me through the night...especially one woman who I know also has SA in her past. I put out the most awkward request for a hug from her ever, but the fact is that I wanted a hug and expressed my need for one...and actually asked for one...even in my painfully awkward way! A big step and sign of trust for me because I've been a major touch-o-phobe lately.

Having somewhere to go where I know i'm safe. I think I've mentioned this before but some days I really dread going to clinic and dealing with the groups. But I'm starting to see big things that I'm learning from it, and I'm also learning to rely on it as somewhere where i can let my guard down a bit and relax...knowing that at least for while I'm here I'm not going to drink or cut or do any other major damage.