Excuses

I'm not a person that likes to make excuses. Ok sometimes I am...mostly out of necessity...but I really try to accept it and move on when I've screwed up. As much as I can I would rather fess up and deal with the consequences than try to hide. (And really, I'm harder on myself than anyone else could be on me). But sometimes this gets complicated.

Today was pay the price day for skipping class the week before Thanksgiving. I walked in to class and was greeted with "River do you have your paper and worksheets?" Ummm....what? Clearly I've missed something. Turns out today was the due date for the write-up and all the documentation paperwork and evaluation for our experience hours. The crappy thing is that I did all of my hours back in September but neglected to do the documentation. Now I'm going to be late in getting credit for the hours just because I don't have the proof.

I went to talk to the professor after class. I apologized for missing class and said that I was really lost with what was going on. She showed me the 5 bazillion places where this deadline was written...all over the syllabus, in the info posted online, in the email she sent out, etc. Plus she said she announced it in class multiple times. This assignment is a HUGE part of our grade so it's a really big deal. I did email a friend after I missed class to ask what i'd missed and she didn't mention any of this stuff. Frustrating, but the blame is mine...I get that. After the prof said all this I kinda just stared blankly. I didn't really know what to say. There wasn't much to say. She knows what I've been going through. Early on in the semester I was much more willing to use what I'm going through as an excuse, but I just didn't want to start begging and laying out all my crap for the sake of a grade.

I told her I didn't know what to do, and she reminded me that it said in the syllabus that anyone missing 2 or more classes could be kicked out of the class. I can't even count how many i've missed. She let my trip post-hospital count as excused bc I explained why I needed it, but there's still probably 5 or so unexcused. I really can't ask or expect any more from her. It's time to just deal with it and pay the price. She did say that she had told some other ppl she would count it as on time if it's in by midnight tonight, so I'm working on my paper and hoping that my supervisor will get the info in before midnight but I highly doubt he will. I can't really ask him to do it in a day considering I've had 2 months to ask him.

Somewhere in the midst of all this I started sobbing, because apparently that's what I do now. She asked if I was ok and I basically said that I just need to get through this semester because there's been so much else going on that it'd just felt impossible. She said she understood how hard it can be when you start out on the wrong foot. Then I got a case of verbal diarrhea and started rattling off the list I've been thinking of recently of just how much I've dealt with this semester outside of school related stuff...including:

suicidal ideations
hospitalization
homelessness
living with 2 different friends
finding and moving in to an apartment
and so much more

I was really trying hard not to use this stuff as an excuse, since I want to be held to the same standard as everyone. But I did keep saying things like "what you've seen isn't me. I'm a good student!" because I know I've looked pretty useless this semester. Though the work I've gotten in I've gotten very good grades on. She asked if if I'd been to the counseling center at school (which I have...that's where the hospital saga started). I started to tell her about the program I'm doing and said, "Oh, and I got sober this semester." Her demeanor changed a lot when I said that. She got extra smiley and said "Wow that's great. Really great. Way to go!" Then she added subtly, "I know how that goes. I've been down that road before." I was still crying a bit and I said "And I'm just not used to emotion," and she said, "Because you're used to self-medicating. You're not used to feeling." She paused, then added, "That goes away. I can tell you that. That goes away."

It was a crazy and totally unexpected moment to have with a professor. She is one of those young, successful, looks like she has it all together type people. I would've never guessed in a million years that she's had any addiction issues. Granted she could be referring to seeing it through someone close to her, but with the way her demeanor changed and the way she spoke about it I don't think that's the case. I left there smiling. Still freaked out about getting this work done, but smiling. Amazing how a little connection like that with someone who understands and is more experienced and farther along than I am can do so much.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this. Just words that needed to get out I guess. Or maybe I'm just trying to avoid writing my paper! lol

--------------
I'm grateful for the people of the world who understand...the people who can look beyond my flaws and my mistakes and just see me. That's something I really struggle with, both for myself and for other people...but I love that there are people out there that can help find the good, well-meaning person in me.