Just talked to my dad. He's doing very well. The doctors are very happy with how everything went, and for now he's not in much pain (though he's on very heavy duty drugs). He was surprisingly coherent and seemed in good spirits. He'll be in the hospital overnight to make sure the pain stays under control and then he should be discharged tomorrow. I've been so so worried about him, so it's good to get the good news.
On that note...my emotions are going haywire lately. Not that there's anything wrong or weird about being worried about someone having surgery, but I've been sick to my stomach, panicked, and just terrified for him...like he was having open heart surgery or something. That's just how everything in my life is right now. The going theory is that because I'm so used to not feeling...through drinking or other methods of keeping people and emotions out...that now that I'm finally really opening myself up to the world it all seems huge and I have no idea how to handle it. It's not all bad either. A lot of it is fear and sadness, but sometimes i'm overwhelmed with good emotions too. At the end of iop I stayed and talked to Stupidface for a bit so I could show him what I wrote in my journal. He and I got to talking about my accepting my fear and all the new realizations in my life. It also came up in iop today that while someone else was talking about hating himself I realized that for the first time in a long, long time I actually didn't feel like I hated myself. I'm the queen of self-hatred so realizing I didn't feel those feelings of hatred, at least at that moment, was huge. So, while talking to Stupidface after iop I was in tears over how good things are and how big the changes are in my life. Also, how real it feels this time...about how i'm building a real foundation now and not just pretending to be happy or trying to convince myself i'm happy through the pain and denial.
I'm definitely noticing that underneath all the struggles there's a definite positive trend right now. My life is still very hard right now, but I feel like deep down there's something good and i'm moving up rather than deeper into the black hole. So, today was a constant cycle through one intense emotion after another....so sad the weight of the world is on my shoulders...to so scared I can't move...to so lonely I want to walk up to random strangers and ask for hugs (though I still can't ask for hugs from friends..not there yet...lol)....to so overwhelmed by the beauty of the world it brings me to tears...etc. etc. I realize that in the big picture this is a good thing and that it's progress. I also realize that it's something I'm going to have to learn. Eventually I'm going to have to learn how to deal with emotions and process them without trying to shove them away. But for now, it's exhausting. Every minute and every emotion feels like huge amounts of work. Imagine a time when you've had a really strong emotion...and then imagine that going on all the time. So now I'm pretty much too tired to think. But I'm not dreading this weekend quite as much as I have other weekends so that's a plus. Went to an AA meeting today and most of the topic was around staying in the moment and remembering that everything will eventually pass. I had some major cravings this evening as I got home...but I stuck it out and am feeling better now. Exhausted, but better.
I'm grateful that my dad is doing so well tonight. I'm also grateful for visible progress in my life.
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