Life is shit

I'm not using that title to be over dramatic or attention seeking or whatever else. I'm supposed to be honest about how I'm feeling and frankly right now it's all just shit. The less than helpful dbt class never got as far as telling me if this is over thinking the bad or a healthy way to cope with the anger. For now I don't care. I feel the need to write a list of what makes my life shitty so that's what I'm going to do. If you're looking for unicorns and rainbows feel free to skip this post. Now then...the list.

Penn State - I'm so fucking sick of seeing coverage of this on every tv channel, in every other form of media, and in every conversation.. I didn't realize how much it was bothering me until I read someone else's response to it. I think it's a big part of why I've been struggling so much lately. Even though what happened there is so different from what happened to me, having sometimes graphic SA stuff around me all the time can't be healthy. I should be feeling for the victims and all that and concerned for them but right now I need to be selfish. I just want this constant stream of triggers off.

Speaking of feeling crappy, it's been hell for me lately. I didn't sleep last night at all. But even when awake I couldn't do anything. I was stuck all day today. Stuck drowning under a sea of crap that needs to be done that I can't do. I could barely get out of bed, and even then it was only to force myself to eat something.

And in the meantime I've had friends from my winter job and other places calling to say hi...asking how my summer was. What the fuck am I supposed to tell them? "Yeah I almost died. Now I'm in therapy like it's my full time job. You?" But saying, "Well I finished my summer job and now I'm focusing on school," while true, seems trite and useless. I hate that no one in my world knows what it feels like inside right now, but yet I also really don't need everyone around me knowing too much. That's especially true w/my winter job ppl because that's a small town and an even smaller work community....so all news travels.

I missed class today. I really can't afford to miss this class anymore. My professor knows what I'm going through but I've already missed an insane number of classes so this looks bad. But I just couldn't do it. And I hate that I couldn't do it. It felt like pre-hospital stuff. I knew what I wanted to do. I could even visualize myself doing it. But I couldn't make it happen. On the one hand it's "just a class" but its meaning is more than that.

I skipped my therapy appt too. Same deal as with class but more important. I just couldn't do it. I called my t to tell him I couldn't make it on time. I'd hoped he would insist on me coming in anyway or finding a time in the near future, but instead he said just to wait till next week. Granted I didn't tell him how awful I felt, though he commented that I didn't sound good. He asked if I was ok and I said sort of.

On that note I hate that I don't have a t that gets me and really gets what I need. My t helps me somewhat but then he also reminds me regularly that he's not really meant to be my therapist...he's the treatment coordinator helping me to get sober so I can get to the "real" therapy where I can really start to work through stuff. I get this to an extent but sometimes I need to talk about stuff beyond just don't drink. And I need him to be more aware of this crap going on with me though I don't know how to explain it.

And on that note..I'm getting ready to give up my beloved winter job so that I can keep working with these people. Ugh! Wtf? I'm giving them my everything and they're giving me band-aids and a repetitive message not to drink. It hasn't all been useless but my winter job is fun, great pay, and great social community....just very limited therapy availability. If I stay here just for the therapy even though I'm unemployed and away from my "happy place," and then the therapy sucks...there's just no right decision here! I understand building the foundation first but damnit. I need help! Somebody help me. I've done enough pushing stuff aside my whole life. Give me something.

Oh, and stop telling me what to do or what not to do (even worse) and please start telling me how to do something! Please! All the professionals in my life are giving me the list of how not to handle things. Or the perfect world scenario of how something should look...how I should handle it. But no one is helping me with what to do in the moment. No one is giving me anything for when I feel like shit and I'm sick and tired and I just want to cause pain to myself or numb my brain in any way possible.

I hate that this SI (cutting) thing has come back so fucking strong. I hate that I spent a good chunk of today dreaming with a frighteningly obsessive passion about what it would feel like when it broke the skin. It was far stronger than any cravings to drink. I couldn't get my mind off of it and I felt out of control. I need to talk this through with someone but I don't know where or how.

I hate that if I tell them how out of control I felt, even though I didn't cut, that I may end up inpatient.

I hate how much I love my wounds because they make my outside ugly like my inside feels. I hate that I'm sad that they're healing.

I hate that I can't remove all sharp objects from my apartment the way I can with alcohol.

I hate that no one at this clinic seems to have any idea what to do with me with the cutting.

I hate that I can't speak up about it more.

On that note I'm just so tired of being alone...of having people near me but not with me. I'm sick of being terrified of human contact but it doesn't matter how much I can logically convince myself it's ok.

My sleep is shit. I've had just enough nightmares to remind my body and sub-conscious that sleep is a very scary place to be.

My nightmares are so far beyond bad dreams. I hate hearing the response, "I have bad dreams too." You don't relive horrors of evil people taking your everything away from you.

My body won't sleep. I'm tired all day and then at night it springs back to awake. It fights sleep tooth and nail and won't let me drift off. Because drifting off might as well be walkin back in to the scary place. I'm getting much better at controlling my thoughts during the day and staying grounded away from the scary stuff. At night I give up my power.

I can't sleep, but I can't function without sleep. Hence the shittiness. I can't focus. I can't complete a thought. I also can't rest, even for a moment. I can zone out, but that's about it.

But the worst of it all is this horrid, indescribable pain that I feel on an almost constant basis. My life hurts. It hurts my body physically. It hurts inside to the point that I'm so tied up in knots I can no longer function. There aren't words for it, but it's a pain like nothing else. And I hate that people would tell me to just not think about it. I'd give anything to not think about it. I'm so fucking sick of hurting.


------------------------

Since I said i'd put a grateful thingy at the end of every post I guess I'll do it here too. I'm grateful for learning how to yell. I've always turned anger inward, no matter what it's about, and ended up hurting myself in some way rather than expressing it. Yelling feels good. Frankly, being pissed feels really good, but i'm guessing dr. dbt wouldn't like that.