It just never ends!!

I was talking to a friend the other day about her life and her frustration with there always being more to do and people asking too much of her in her life. (Sorry, said friend, for the very basic paraphrase! lol) Anyway, I've been thinking about this same idea in my own life. My life is different than hers...I don't have a whole lot going on considering that I don't work and I'm only taking 2 classes...but it still feels like the shit never ends.

I'm working on so many different things in so many different parts of my life. It just feels like i'm rushing around to plug all the holes in the sinking ship. I'm trying not to drink...which is hard enough in itself. In many ways that's the idea of the therapy i'm in now. Learning how to function without drinking. I'm not really "supposed" to be working on anything else because I need to learn how to get through day to day life w/out drinking. But even that is so much.

I'm working on taking better care of myself physically...working out (SO hard to have any motivation for this), and eating better (again...lack of motivation). I'm trying to sleep better but that's a gigantic battle with nightmares as well as learning how to calm myself down without drinking. When you know that there's likely to be some really vivid, horrific things waiting for you in your dreams, it's really really hard to convince your body to relax and not fight sleep.

I'm trying to keep up with school. Some weeks are better than others with school. Sometimes I feel really good about school, but the reality is that i'm still SO FAR behind. Even when I'm doing ok I'm not catching up on the old stuff. So I still have a ton of work to do. Every time something else falls through with the panic or the stress, it gets nearly impossible to manage school stuff. I mean how absolutely trite does a school worksheet seem when you're dealing with very real nightmares and demons.

Speaking of stress and panic....of course the PTSD stuff never goes away. I can't turn my back on that, or give myself a chance to think that that stuff is going "ok", because it comes back to bite me every chance it gets. And of course when that stuff comes up it's nearly impossible not to drink. It's most of the reason I do drink, because sometimes I need to just turn those thoughts off. Sometimes they're just too much and I need to shut them out.

Unfortunately when I'm sober, a new habit that i haven't had to deal with much in a long time has come back. Cutting. I had mostly had that dealt with years ago. Every now and then i'd do a little damage with my nails or something, but nothing major at all. Now, over this weekend, I did extensive, bloody damage with a knife. Worse than I ever have. And then when that freaked me out so badly because it didn't help the way it normally does, I ended up drinking to stop THOSE thoughts.

There's always something to fight. Always. I don't get to relax because if i do one of these things will be after to me. Every time I think I'm doing ok I realize it's time for a meal and I have no food....or that I've forgotten a major assignment and I'm still way behind in school...or...you get the idea. I'm just tired. I'm especially tired tonight because i've had a weekend long relapse. After I drank friday night I just kept going. Thankfully the antabuse kept me from drinking as much as I really wanted to, but it didn't stop me from drinking. I'm feeling really low right now because after 2 months of big effort i may as well be right back where I started...drinking, hurting myself, filled w/anxiety, etc.. Today I could barely manage to get through my grocery shopping trip because my thoughts were so all over the place and panic-like. Logically I know that as today's group facilitator said...the last 2 months haven't been erased from memory. There are still things I've learned from them...i'm just angry to have thought I was doing so well and am now back to day 1 with sobriety and (it feels like) everything else.

I'm attempting to go without drinking tonight...though a part of me is thinking I might as well since, if nothing else, i'll still have the same sobriety day come tomorrow. I know that's a lousy reason to drink, but it's stuff like that that goes through my head. I'm working to go back to what i've said before...that i don't like counting up days of sobriety. That's because now I have thoughts of "well i've blown 3 weeks of sobriety...might as well have a big more fun." I'm trying to get back to thinking "I'm going to stay sober for just this day," or even just this hour. And just this hour is the goal right now. And tomorrow I'm going to stay sober tomorrow. But that's as far as I'm going to think. I don't want to think about acquiring lots of time. I'm going to get back to one day at a time.

But yeah...easier said than done. All I want for Christmas...or Halloween...or whatever else...is just some time to rest and not have to think. But that's not an option because I have to be on guard all the time. Prior to this meltdown I thought I was doing pretty well. Then seemingly out of the blue here I am...having cut badly and drank heavily and wondering how the hell that happened. There's not even a second to turn my back. And yet I expect myself to sleep? lol

Anyway tonight i'm grateful that there are ppl out there in the world that get the stuff i'm going through...people who I can tell that I cut and they don't say "You did what?! Ew! Why would you do a thing like that?" but instead just get it. Or people like those in my group today who could be helpful but also laugh with me at some of the ridiculous thoughts that went through my head during my meltdown and not judge...because they've had those thoughts too. People like that are just so so important for my ability to heal.