A letter to my little boy

(M&M is my best friend's little boy. I think the rest of this post should explain itself. This is the family I'm going to see for Thanksgiving so the emotions have been all over the place. This is what came out in my journal.)

My dearest M&M. My baby, my nephew, my little boy. I feel close to you in a way I never have to anyone before. I was there for your birth. I held your wrinkly little self when you were mere hours old. For your first six months of life I lived with you and your parents to help out. You weren't much of a fan of sleep back then, so you and I spent a lot of time together just rocking. We'd go for walks together, and I'd know you were getting sleepy when I'd feel your little head nestle into my chest in its spot. It seemed to fit there so perfectly. I kept walking long after you drifted off, just to be sure you were really asleep. Or maybe it was to savor the wonder of you just a little bit longer.

What you may never know is how you saved my life just a few months ago. Things had gotten bad for me. I felt so abandoned by the adults in my life. I didn't know how to live anymore. But when I was most alone, I felt your head on my chest in the spot where it had fit so well. I saw your beautiful face in my mind. You were the difference between me telling someone my suicidal plans or my life being cut short. You are my hero.

As soon as I was out of the hospital I just wanted to see you. I needed to hold you, hug you, feel you in my arms, and know that you're real. When I did, I held you, and I cried. I thanked you for saving me.

We went on a long walk that weekend. I told you I loved you and that I'd do anything to be there for you. I can't wait for the chance to see you grow up. I promised you then that I will do everything I can to make sure that the world is good to you. I told you that no one better ever think of hurting you. They'll have me to deal with, and I mean it. I want you to know safety and peace as you grow.

I don't feel deserving of your love. After what I did you need something better. But I'm reminded every time I see you that what you really want from me is me. Just me. Your love for me is blind. You don't see my scars, physical or otherwise. But somehow, you know that I'm your auntie and that's how it's meant to be. You don't worry about the past and what might've been. You are fully there in our moment together. You look at me, and you smile.