Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankful

I've thought a lot about what I want to say here. It's hard to put in to words. Everything has been a whirlwind here and its really hard to believe it's only been 2 days.

First, I just have to say that it's been as amazing as I'd hoped (and then some) to see my little boy again. I always worry that he's going to cry or not want to go to me when he sees me, since 2 months is a really long time in his world. (Usually it's longer, but this time i've gotten lucky to have two visits in such close succession.) When he first saw me at the airport he did his usual stare down like "this girl looks familiar but I just can't place her." But not long after I picked him up and he just looked at me, broke into this big ole smile, and started laughing. It absolutely melted my heart. I didn't do anything special...no silly faces or tickling or anything to make him laugh. I just held him and he was all smiles about it right from the start. Then this morning we were on our way somewhere and I was sitting in the back next to his seat. He'd been a little grumpy when we got in the car. But I squeezed his hand and he wrapped his hand around my finger. He wouldn't let me go, and for the whole car ride sat there playing with my hand and looking at it and smiling. Again it was nothing special that I was doing but so sweet of him. It was like he just wanted to study my hand. When I got out of the car he protested loudly (even though dad and grandma were still there w/him).

I don't want to risk jinxing anything, but I have to say that this trip has gone so well thus far. I've been really impressed with myself and how well I've been able to handle things. I've been able to stay very aware of my own thoughts, emotions, and needs so I can take care of myself. I've been amazed at how well I've been able to step back and take a deep breath when I get stressed. I've been able to see the drama and everything for what it is. Rather than getting emotional and let the stress and drama and everything get to me, I can step back and say "she's yelling and upset because _______ (hasn't eaten, tired, etc)" It's a weird situation bc this family has all sorts of drama (doesn't everyone?) with inlaws and all that, and I end up pushed into the middle of it sometimes because I hear it from both sides. It tends to really stress me out or leave me frustrated/upset. Anyway...I've been amazed at times that I've seen myself think, "I could get really angry and upset about this, but if I just do _____ it will only take me a few extra minutes and it will prevent a lot of additional arguing." I say seen myself think, because it shocks me that I actually can think like that. Usually I get so wrapped up in proving my point or whatever it is that I help turn little things into big fights. I've been very proud of myself in being able to diffuse situations instead of escalate them.

On top of that I've been strategic with scheduling time for myself to regroup. I scheduled myself a "nap" time, plenty of time with baby, and offered to do a lot of last minute errands just to get some time to catch my breath. I'm not a social type person at all, especially when I can't have a drink. But now that i'm more aware of it I don't get so totally overwhelmed because I regroup and get my energy back. I'm sure I still came across as a bit rude tonight when I left early from the dinner, but I was overwhelmed by people I didn't know and lots of alcohol and just wasn't feeling safe or comfortable at all. The temptations have been a big challenge. I went out to buy more beer earlier tonight and started thinking "well I could get something and drink it in the car before I go back in and no one would ever know." Of course, most ppl here don't know about my battle with alcohol so they wouldn't care, but I still was thinking about how to hide it. Tonight after dinner when the mixed drinks flowing I really struggled. My friend's wife makes some famously good very alcoholic egg-nog which was very very hard to resist. I saw a lot of other drinks coming out and was VERY glad that an opportunity to leave early presented itself.

I'm definitely emotional. I'm having sobbing/crying jags mostly out of the blue. Thankfully I've managed to use my alone times to release it so I haven't had too much embarrassment of crying in front of the crowds.

Oh, and in other news yesterday I went to see the doctor that I saw when I lived here. He's amazing. He's a chiropractor and he also does some naturopath type stuff. It's hard to explain without it's own whole post so send me a message if you'd like details. Basically what he does though is look at your body as a whole and how things are functioning together. We call him the "magic doctor" because he'll literally fix your knee pain by adjusting your shoulder. When I lived here I messed up my foot and I went to him. He helped with so much of the pain by adjusting other parts of my body that had been thrown out of whack because I was compensating for the injured foot. It was so huge that when I finally saw the foot dr and asked him when I could start running again his jaw about hit the floor. He couldn't believe that I was even walking on it with the injury I had! (Granted I have a high tolerance for pain, but still. It really felt so much better after seeing the "magic doctor"). He did some tests that basically showed that a lot of my internal functions are very unhappy with me because of all the stress, the food craziness (not eating, over-eating, eating junk, etc.), and the drinking and sudden stopping of the drinking. This is all stuff I pretty well know but the way he confirmed it was pretty neat. He has me working towards a specific diet now and gave me some numbers of ppl he recommends to follow up with in my area. This may all sound like craziness when I describe it, but it is AMAZING how much better I feel. He obviously didn't cure me of my woes but I no longer feel like my entire body is tied in a knot. After everything that's happened I had been feeling like I was wound so tight I could barely move. The physical symptoms from the stress were so apparent all the time that it was creating a lot of pain and other issues (which of course caused more stress and less successful functioning on my part). I'm soooo glad he was able to squeeze me in. And the fact that he did it for a very very reduced price because he's friends with my friends was a big added bonus. :)

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Ironically on this day of thanks I'm struggling with exactly what I'm grateful for. It's a long story that I'm sure I'll get in to eventually when my brain is a bit more awake. But clearly things are going well for me now...knock on wood but I couldn't have asked for better than this. And I feel so good that I made it through a night of intense cravings and opportunity for drinking but didn't drink. Deep down I never really believed I could do that. That little voice inside me always thought "Well I'll try my best, but I'll probably slip. What can I really expect of myself anyway?" So I guess I'm grateful for seeing that I can have success and do have hope for more in the future.

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful post! I am very happy for you, you should feel extremely accomplished to be able to go through a gathering like that and not drink. You are really pushing foward and taking care of you, I am very impressed and proud of you!!

    Happy Thanksgiving to you!

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