Fear

I've been really in to making lists lately. I've also been realizing lately just how many much fear I have, and how many things I'm afraid of. I started making a list of things i'm afraid of, only to realize that I'm pretty much afraid of walking out my front door. I don't mean that in the sense of having panic attacks about the great outdoors or anything, but just that I really am afraid of everything in my life. I'm afraid of being close to people as well as being alone...afraid of failure, afraid of being hurt, afraid of letting ppl down, etc. etc. So yeah, at this point making a list of fears is too much and not helpful.

So instead I want to bring up something else I've been thinking of that I think relates. It's been on my mind a lot lately for reasons I'm unsure of...so maybe if I put it out here it will be meaningful to someone else as well.

Years ago I went from pretty much couch potato to completing a triathlon. I got a lot of training advice and help through a website for people like myself...those not necessarily looking to win a race or be competitive, just wanting to successfully complete it. A very common question asked there was, "But what if I come in last?"

The answer: DFL > DNF > DNS

What does this mean? Finishing dead last is better than not finishing, which is better than not starting.

It's scary as hell for me to keep trying to fight this stuff...keep going to my appts...keep letting my real, less-protected self out there...mainly because I put myself at risk of being hurt, and of failing. I'm afraid of not being perfect and not doing it "right" because that might mean I'm a failure. The thought that I might give my absolute best and still not succeed is absolutely terrifying. At least if I don't try, I can still say "well I could've done it...had I wanted to."

I struggle so much with continuing to remind myself that I HAVE done something just by starting the race. I remember volunteering at a water station for another triathlon later. We were encouraging the racers and I heard a woman towards the back of the back talking about how she was so slow and what had she really accomplished. Another volunteer told her that she was so many miles ahead of so many people who likely hadn't even yet gotten out of bed that morning. The same is true for me now. Even though having started the race is showing me just how unbelievably long this course is, I'm so far ahead of where I'd be if I stayed in bed. There are so many times recently when I could've taken the easy way out. Instead I fought to get into groups, get to therapy, go to aa, and so much more. Sometimes (Ok often) I feel like I'm failing, not doing enough, or not doing it right, but I'm ahead of those still in bed. Sadly there's a lot of ppl in situations like mine who end up never really doing anything, or even killing themselves because they can't fight it, but right now that's not me.

I'm already past the DNS part. As far as finishing the race...I'm also struggling to accept that my path to the finish doesn't have to be pretty. It doesn't matter if I take the ugliest, craziest way there, because somehow or another I'm going to get there. I want the struggle to fit the road map that is in my head. I want to check things off the list one at a time, moving my game piece ever closer to the final goal. But real life doesn't work like that. I talked w/Stupidface about this a lot yesterday...that a setback doesn't mean a failure, and that a setback isn't even always a setback...it's just what's happening. Sometimes, apparently, a flipped out, snotty, sob-fest is what needs to happen. It doesn't mean I've become a failure and it doesn't mean I need to give up and hide away by myself (though that's always what I want to do). I can't still keep going...keep racing and logging the miles...sometimes the path may twist and turn and cross over itself...sometimes i may have to limp or crawl...but it's still progress of some sort and I can still say I've started the race.

Hopefully that makes sense...I think this is one of those things that sounds better in my head than it does "on paper." lol

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I've been slacking with the grateful thing lately. To be perfectly honest it's been hard for me to come up with stuff. Not that the world has changed that much, but sometimes it's just really really hard to look outside my immediate self...especially when things are so crazy. For now I'm thankful for the internet. I'm sure I spend waaaay too much time on it but I have learned so much and gotten so much help and support through people I have connected to online. It's given me an outlet when I truly thought I was alone in the world. It's also provided hours of mindless entertainment which distracts me just enough to keep me from panic attacks and flashbacks without leaving me frustrated. And it's given me this place to express myself and feel heard, without having to immediately say these things out loud to a therapist or anyone else. Yay.