Helluva day

As expected..today was exhausting.

It started off bad. The night before I'd given myself all the pep-talking I could about getting up in the morning and getting to iop on time. But morning came and I just couldn't do it. Not only was I late but I just couldn't get myself to go at all. It was already past the latest I can realistically check in before I had even left my house (and including parking and all that it's close to a half hour trip). So yeah...not happening. I forced myself to at least get to the place though rather than staying home. I figured I'd hang out in the lobby and try to catch Stupidface afterwards to at least let him know I'd made the effort. I'd promised him on friday that I would so I felt I needed to go even if I was really, really late.

While I was sitting in the lobby I did some thinking and decided to write a letter to the iop group. I knew I was leaving ppl worried because i'd missed wednesday and then showed up friday only long enough to cry my eyes out, say I couldn't bring myself to share anything, and then leave. (They didn't know I had to leave to go to the lab). Since we all come from pretty crazy backgrounds, we all tend to assume the worst when there's unknown...not to mention since all of us have been inpatient in one form or another, the worst can be really bad. I wrote a letter to explain that I was ok, just isolating due to fear. When everyone came out for the second break I went to Stupidface and apologized for being so late and asked if I could have a minute to read something to the group. He agreed.

When everyone came back in I felt all the eyes on me. Stupidface said I had something to read and to go ahead, and I instantly started crying and said I couldn't do it. A few ppl offered to go instead but Stupidface helped me take a minute and catch my breath. I said I would cry too much and one of the women I'm closest to said "I have a tissue!" lol So I read it, terrified of the results. (I'll post it at the end of this post). The first reaction was "well I think we can all relate to that." I'm not sure if my jaw actually dropped to the floor, but it sure did on the inside. Everyone told me how they could relate, how they'd done the same thing, and how they were impressed at my strength and courage for showing up and saying what I did. At the end almost everyone came and gave me hugs and said they supported me and were glad I came and all that. It was totally shocking and overwhelming. Everyone confirmed that they're glad I'm there, and that they miss me and worry about me when I'm gone. This is huge to me to think that I'm not just accepted but actually an integral member of the group. Wow.

I don't feel strong or courageous at all. I feel like courage would've been to just suck it up and show up. But one woman even called me later in the evening to tell me just how impressed she was with my courage and that she wanted me to know she cared about me. I called her back and she just had so much nice stuff to say to me. She said she related to me and that I give her hope. Yeah wow.

It's really unfortunate that the next iop group I have won't be until next monday, but it is really freeing to know I am still accepted there. I don't think I've ever had a moment like that...especially in person (i've had a few pretty emotional moments w/online friends). I cried through reading the whole letter and was still accepted at the end. Cool.

The rest of the day was far less eventful. My freakout didn't come up in dbt. We talked about dealing with holidays the whole time for dbt which is always hard for me but maybe some of it will be helpful. My dr. appt. was pretty uneventful...he didn't give me any grief about antabuse or anything else. And the counselor/therapist switching stuff has all been put on hold until next week...annoying but at least I don't have to deal with meeting and getting to know a new person in the midst of everything right now.

So that's that...now as promised...here's the letter I read to the iop group:




"I could blame it on traffic, or being sick, or over-sleeping, or under-sleeping, but there's really only one reason I can't get myself here and on time: fear. It's gotten so bad lately I feel terrified to leave my house. It's especially hard to come here because people here know the real me and it's so much harder to hide.

It's not anything personal. In fact it's the opposite. I consider all of you like my family. You know me for me and still care about me anyway. That means a lot to me. I care about you all and miss you a lot when i'm not here. On the days I can't make it I find myself really wishing I could be here with you all.

But caring for people and being cared for like that scares the heck out of me. Maybe it's because being close means I'm opening myself up to being hurt, or I'm more likely to let people down when I fail. I don't know all the reasons, but I know that the closer I feel the scarier it becomes. I know I don't want to lose what I have here, but I also don't know how to get through the fears and get here. I also don't want to hurt anyone with my lack of participating in the group the way I'd like to and I'm sorry if I have."





I also ad-libbed a little more at the end about how my life is boring on the outside but on the inside I feel like I'm drowning under a tidal wave. I guess I felt a need to reaffirm that there's nothing actually going on...that nobody died...I didn't get kicked out of school...nothing like that....I just can't stop crying because I can't stop crying. That's a big part of why I've felt so crappy about all this, and why I was so so surprised when others said they've felt the same way. Most everyone talked about the same struggle. Also most everyone said they also considered us a family, which made me happy. :) But again, I don't feel strong or courageous at all, and it's actually rather mystifying to me that everyone keeps telling me I am.


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I'm grateful for my amazing iop group and them being so willing to hear me and receptive of what I wanted/needed to say. Pretty obvious one tonight. :)