Monday, November 14, 2011

Troublemaker

Mondays are long, but generally good days for me. They start with iop, then dbt, and then usually an appt with the dr. (In theory I'll eventually be stable enough with meds that he won't need to see me every week. Hasn't happened yet, but I like the dr. so it's ok.) Really I like all of these groups. But there's generally some recovery from the weekend happening as well, making at least the morning really a challenge to find my footing again.

During iop this morning I talked about how much I'm struggling with everything seeming to be in opposition. About wanting the attention and love from people so badly, and yet being absolutely terrified to accept it I also mentioned that I had a meltdown on saturday while talking to a good friend, and that while it was painful it felt so so good because I was finally able to cry. I've been holding on to so much sadness that just needed a way out. It was a huge relief to let out the tears (and there were many!). We talked a bit more about how it's hard to make sense of emotions and how to process them. I was really looking forward to dbt group though, because that's what dbt is generally all about.

At the start of dbt, I told the dbt dr. my situation and what I was struggling with. Being a typical shrink, there was no short answer. He turned the question in to the discussion for the day. At first I really liked what he was saying. He talked about how pain is inevitable, but we increase our suffering (or its duration) by getting caught up in why something happened or how a person could do what they did. He drew a circle on the white board for each of us and we drew circles around it based on what occupies our thoughts. The bigger the circle, the more thoughts it occupies. For me, right now, thoughts of my past and the emotions that go with it is the biggest circle by quite a bit. My focus on alcohol is the next biggest. Daily life and the fear surrounding it was a smaller circle, and school was the smallest. I wish school occupied more of my thoughts. I'd do a lot better and be way less behind if I could shift my thoughts away from memories and drinking and all that and on to school and homework. I really liked the visual of what I actually do with my thoughts, and the thought that the circles we feed will grow until they eventually take over the others.

We talked a bit about what makes circles bigger or smaller, but dbt dr. kept referring to "finding a healthy way to grieve" without really elaborating. I kept thinking he was getting to that but we ended up on a HUGE tangent about how addictions get started, missing the high feeling, and whether you can be addicted to a person/relationship. I was waiting for it to come back to the original question....because he never did give me any idea what to do with all the emotions, but the next thing I knew he was saying we were out of time and asking for final questions. I had realized just before that that we were going to spend the rest of the time talking about this tangent that was of no help to me (yeah, i'm selfish...so sue me) and I felt the frustration welling up inside me. Before I knew it I was sobbing. Of course, that led everyone to look at me. He asked what was wrong and I unleashed. I cried/yelled at him that he never answered my original question...that i still had no idea what to do when the thoughts and emotions came...and that all he'd told us is what not to do, not what to do. (There was some good advice about what to avoid in order to keep the circles from growing...avoiding comparing, repeating of frustrations/resentment, etc.). He essentially said that I just needed to have it occupy my mind less. Yeah...helpful...like I just love thinking about this shit and want nothing more than to contemplate it more! I take responsibility for spending a great deal of time wanting to know why it happened, and how they could hurt me like they did. I know that's counterproductive and I'm working to do that less. When he said to think about it less I said what I'd been trying to say from the start...that I don't understand how to deal with the grief and I feel like putting it out of my mind is wrong. I feel like I have a right and a need to grieve for my lost childhood. I compared it to grieving for a lost loved one, as we'd been talking about that earlier. He said "Well that's for someone who has lost someone, or been assaulted, or had trauma in the here and now. This was something in your CHILDHOOD!" I was livid. I grabbed my stuff and said "I need to go," and walked out right in the middle of someone's sentence. (Other ppl from the group had been commenting as well...not just me and dbt dr.). And I really did need to go...the group had gone late and I was late for my dr. appt.

I probably should feel bad for yelling...and embarrassed for losing it in a group...or something like that. But damnit I don't. At all. It felt soooooo good! The emotions are all in there, and it felt damn good to release them. It was like a crazy emotional high that lasted for quite a while. I don't know if he meant what he said the way it came out...or the way it sounded to me...but I feel it's absolutely wrong for a shrink to essentially tell someone to "just get over" past trauma. I mean really??!! This is the group where I've been open about my flashbacks and panic attacks and all the pain they're causing me. I thought he, if anyone, would get that it's not so simple. I know it's all a process and all that, but it just pisses me off to have someone tell me not to think about something that's been such a big part of my life. It's embarrassing enough to have to admit that it still haunts me like it does! I so so badly want to move past it and not think about it any more!

So after all of this, and a very shortened appt with the dr....I ran into Stupidface in the hallway. We said a brief hi and chatted for a sec, and then had that awkward moment where we both reached for our separate doors but hesitated a minute before going through them. I wanted to tell him about my yelling because I felt like someone needed to hear...not to mention word travels very, very fast in this place...part of the whole comprehensive treatment thing. I think he sensed that I had something more to tell him so he hesitated as well. I blurted out, "I just went to dbt and I yelled at dr. ________. I really didn't like what he said so first I cried and then I yelled at him."

And Stupidface....I know we've had our issues but I could not have loved him any more in this moment. A smile crept over his face. He chuckled a bit and said, "Good for you River. Good for you." :) Then we both laughed and I made a silly comment about emotional release and then we both went our separate ways. So yes I was a bit of a troublemaker, but I LOVE that Stupidface knew how much I've been struggling with emotional release and didn't once get upset with me or concerned or worried. He didn't ask to know why I'd yelled. He just told me he was proud. It made me very happy and frankly I'm still feeling very good about it all. I'm not sure if I'll hear about it in t tomorrow. Sometimes word travels fast, other times not as much. But I stood up for me. And that's good. (Ironically...I just realized that one of our questions for iop this morning was to name a skill that's important in recovery. I replied with, "The ability to speak up for myself and my needs." And then went on to say it was something that I really couldn't do at this point. lol)


I never thought I'd say it, but today I'm grateful for Stupidface. He could not have handled the situation better.

I also had a moment of gratefulness during my lunch break today. I was walking back from where I'd gone for food, and I was looking up at the windows of the hospital. (The clinic I go to is on the same campus, but in a different building from the main hospital.) I looked up at the windows that I would've been looking out when I was inpatient. I remember staring out those windows for so long, thinking, "What I wouldn't give for a chance to step outside, even just for a moment. I'd give anything to walk outside, breathe a breath of fresh air, and hug a tree." In that moment there was absolutely nothing I wanted more than the freedom for a short walk outside. Today I was taking that walk, and was reminded of what a blessing it is.

Oh...and random follow-up note. As of today I'm back on Antabuse. My dr. wasn't sure if it's a good idea since I'm already on a lot of meds, but I asked to continue with it because I'm concerned about the holidays...both their affect on me and the higher prevalence of alcohol that seems to be everywhere at holiday times.

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