...then it's 2 or 3!
That's a line from a favorite song of mine. It sounds really depressing but it's actually pretty funny.
I feel like a lot of times on here I complain about the same stuff. I feel like the same issues keep coming up in my life and i don't know how to deal with them. So I guess my brain is complaining about the same things again and again whether I like it or not.
The fear is still really awful right now. I made it out of bed a little today but still not out of the house. I did manage to get out of the house to see a movie with a friend yesterday. I can get out if i'm sorta dragged out by someone but I have no motivation of my own. I'm not sure if it's really a motivation issue though. There's lots of stuff I want to do but all I can feel is fear. I feel terror related to everything.
Tomorrow is going to be a really hard day for me. Normally I like mondays because there's a lot of different structure and a lot of helpful things going on but tomorrow they're all going to be hard. The schedule goes iop, dbt, then dr. Iop is going to be hard bc I barely went last week, and when I did it was on friday only long enough to sob my eyes out and then have to leave again. Plus the same reasons that made me afraid last week (feeling close, feeling i'm letting ppl down, etc.) are still there. Dbt is usually a fun and helpful one for me. I always say I'd go every day if they'd let me. Well last monday I ended it by screaming, crying, and walking out. I know ppl "get it" and will eventually get over it, but its way less comfortable to go to this week. I'm not excited to face the group of ppl i flipped out in front of. The dr. appt won't be as bad but I need to bring up some new info that's come up that might be hard to discuss. Also I need to fess up and admit that I didn't make it to the clinic to take antabuse yet again, so I have to be restarted on it for a 3rd time. I didn't drink at all in the midst of this, but I know from the outside it looks like that's what's going on. Then on top of all this I have to go through the potential switching of therapists tomorrow. I don't remember how much I said about this in earlier posts...but basically after all the craziness with my t last week he's working on switching me to the woman that runs the women's ptsd support group. If she can see me I think it'd be so much better. I really liked her when I went to the group, even though the group wasn't really the right fit for me, so I'd love to work w/her. It sounds like the possibilities are 1.) fully switch to her, 2.) do a couple sessions with her and then go back to seeing stupidface for individual since current t and I don't seem to be connecting, or 3.) work it out with current t. I'd say I'm hoping for them in that order. After how much I got lectured at the end of last week, I have very little desire to work with current t. I'm willing to work it out with him if that's what everyone decides is best, but it seems he doesn't have much of a clue what i need if after missing a couple of appts he goes instantly to lecturing me about being removed from the program. Regardless, all of that is apparently going to be decided tomorrow. So yeah...there's a lot to figure out tomorrow. And, this is really my only therapy day for the week because of the holidays...so it'll be another week before I can deal with whatever comes from today...rather than the usual just two days.
Tonight I tried to talk with a friend about all this. I'm supposed to be practicing telling ppl how I'm feeling. I didn't really want to talk but I gave it a try and told her all this. And she said nothing. She basically said "oh well people will get over it and it'll all work out eventually." While true, it really doesn't help me deal with the stress of right now. Maybe I'm misunderstanding how this whole talk to people thing is supposed to work but it frustrates the crap out of me. I feel like it happens a lot, that ppl say I can talk to them but when I actually start to say what's going on they just never really reply or change the subject or whatever else. I'm not looking for advice or expecting magical answers...but a "hey wow that sucks," or a "anything I can do to help?" goes a long way.
Now on top of all of this....i had the tv on as background noise bc I hate bein in my apt when it's totally quiet and all of a sudden I hear this woman talking about learning self-hate from a young age. Then this guy says that he was "told he was a mistake from very early on." The feeling of wanting to puke was instant. That is exactly what I was told. My attention was fully drawn in right at that moment to hear that. Sometimes it feels like this stuff is just stalking me. Turns out this local nightly news person who does interviews w/important ppl around town was doing an interview with sexual abuse survivors in light of stupid Penn State. I'm sure this is a great way to raise awareness and it's stuff ppl need to hear, but wow it hit me like a ton of bricks to suddenly hear that phrase out of the blue. I dove for the remote to turn it off, but as soon as I did realized I was intrigued by it and wanting to hear more. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment but I turned it on and watched the rest. It was kind of amazing really. They weren't talking about experiences in detail or anything, but they were saying all this stuff that I was thinking and experiencing. They were talking about how the understanding and memories of one's past are so different for an SA survivor in a way that a non-survivor can't grasp, and that it feels hopeless, and how unbelievably terrifying it is to tell even someone very very close, and getting through it is the hardest thing they've ever done but with lots of help they were able to get through this. All this stuff that was so so validating for me in a way that therapy hasn't managed to be thus far. I really do feel like an alien sometimes and as painful as it was to hear these people say this stuff out loud, the fact that they were saying it out loud meant that it was real, and maybe ok to feel. I'm wondering if I should try to get in touch with an abuse survivors network. There's a big one here that does lots of support groups and helps set ppl up with therapists. Everyone at the program I'm in now has told me to try not to focus on the abuse now and just to worry about being stable and building coping skills, but just these 15 min. of hearing i'm not alone with the crazy thoughts from my abuse made such a world of difference. I'm hoping that that's what I'll get out of meeting with this new therapist. I'm not against seeing a male therapist, but a woman who also runs a ptsd support group seems much more likely to grasp the actual level of fear going on in my head right now.
On that note, I have come to a bit more of a conclusion about the fear. Stupidface's question about why I'm afraid of success has been running through my head ever since he asked me on friday. I absolutely am, there's no question about that, and I knew it as soon as he said it. I couldn't really say why though. I think part of it is because it's unfamiliar territory. At least down in the depths I know what to expect. I think it's also that I'm very afraid to fail. I feel like less of a failure if I don't try...vs. trying and then failing. Finally, I think I'm afraid of letting people down. If I'm just a screw up people expect me to screw up. Once I start succeeding others start expecting more from me. Then when I fail I let down not just myself but them too. Or maybe it's really just me that I let down and i'm afraid of doing that to others.
On top of knowing that tomorrow's going to be hard it's that much harder knowing that the therapy time is limited because it's the holidays. Holidays are always hard for me. I have people to spend thanksgiving with, but it still doesn't make it any easier (ok maybe a little easier). The thing is, when I'm around ppl it still feels like it's just reinforcing what i'm missing. Like, it's almost harder because it's right there rather than just being in denial of it. They want me to feel like they're a part of my family too, but easier said than done. I also realize that a lot of my holiday issues are totally my fault. I've chosen to make them a sort of grieving day. Maybe it's because they're never able to live up to my expectations, but in a sense I like to step back and accept what I'm missing that day and not fight it. I'm sure I could do a lot more to make it a better day, but I can't/won't/don't. At least my little nephew will be there. It's really hard to be unhappy around him. I think that's why I like babies so much. The world is just simple when you're a baby. He likes the people he knows that are nice to him. Period. There's no drama or anything else. He doesn't know how it's "supposed" to be or what a holiday is "supposed" to mean. He just wants to do what makes him happy. And luckily for me, I make him happy. :) At least I did 2 months ago. Hopefully he hasn't forgotten me too much since then.
Thanks for reading!
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Instead of saying what I'm grateful for tonight I'm going to ask a favor. For those of you that do have intact families and are rushing around like crazy to get everything ready for the perfect holiday gathering...please take a moment to appreciate those around you and the love between you all. Please take the time to let go of the stress, and don't get caught up on what's supposed to be. I know nobody has the perfect Hallmark family, and I know wanting to recreate what I don't have is futile, but it just saddens me so much to see amazing families with members who forget to ever spend time together...or people who get so caught up in making the holidays and their holiday dinner perfect that they seem to forget actually why they're celebrating. So please don't take for granted the family around you, and I'm going to try my very best not to take for granted the amazing friends who have taken me in and allowed me to be a part of theirs.
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