Ding! Lightbulb!

And yes...in my world right now...lightbulbs go ding. Deal with it. I had a really good moment today. It will probably sound like nothing to the rest of the world but it was big to me...

After my freak out earlier, I calmed down enough to get home, only to find a notice on my door that I was late on rent and owed an extra $100. Yeah not helping with the calming down! I thought I had a 4 day window to pay it...turns out what they meant is that on the 4th day late fees start. I did the freak out thing again...I have no reason to have not paid rent earlier...I was just caught up with life and didn't do it. So I was panicked about owing extra money and angry at myself for already screwing up at this being on my own thing.

I went down to the office with my rent check to explain that I had misunderstood and asked if they would just please take my check. I ended up crying before I could get many words out, and they agreed to let me out of the late fee just this once. Hmmm I guess having crazy emotions just below the surface all the time can work to my advantage now and then! lol Anyway, they said for them to accept it I had to get a money order, and had an hour to do it.

Still in panic mode I drove to the bank...which was not nearly as "right there" as the woman had described it. I got to the bank and worked with the most amazingly nice teller ever. I didn't know the first thing about money orders and she was just super nice and talked me through it. She just had this way of being calm and making things feel ok. The teller next to her was super nice as well, and I kept hearing her be so genuine when she'd thank ppl for their business and all that. She just seemed to really care, not just say what she was supposed to for her job. I got my money order and made it back in time to pay rent and be ok.

But the big lightbulb moment came as I was driving to the bank. I started thinking about how this is the kind of stress that causes me to drink. The concept of triggers has been coming up a lot lately. I know my triggers pretty well for flashbacks and such, but I have/had no idea about what causes me to drink. I realized it's the overwhelming stress and panic, when it's just easier to drink and shut it all out, because it feels like too much. But today I didn't give in. I stuck with it and I made it work. And it did work out.

Yeah this story sounds totally stupid to tell here...but it was big for me to dig through the stress/panic and find what I needed to do to make the situation better and actually do it. And in the midst of it I met the amazingly nice bank teller who truly did make my day. I was so stressed and frustrated when I got to her and she was just nice and took care of me and made things seem calm. And yeah I'm probably sounding obsessive now...lol. Anyway, it's proof that good things happen even in the midst of the storm. That's something I've been working on grasping, but it helps to really see it....that just because something bad is happening it doesn't mean that all is wrong in the world, and it doesn't mean I have to run away from it. I can find good even when things seem to be their worst.

After all of that I am SO much calmer than before. Even though a lot of things are the same...I feel much, much safer than last friday (the last few fridays really). Just processing that bit of stress seems to have helped a lot.

So....since I forgot to do this in the last post...I'm grateful for....

Nice bank tellers...for obvious reasons.

For fresh air and the ability to get out in it. I was limited in this sometimes growing up, so just going for a walk reminds me that my life is different now. It also relaxes me and helps me process things. I need to do this more often.

For the amazing mountains near me. They often fall into the background of the city and the stress and all that. But every now and then I catch a glimpse of them that just takes my breath away. Like today...on my walk...I just saw this amazing view of the clouds coming over the mountains in the distance. The clouds weren't solid so the sunlight was coming through like a spotlight on the mountains. There was just a trace of snow over the mountains which lit up in the sunlight. Just beautiful.

For my ability to laugh. This is one that's been on my mind a lot. I've had otherwise stressful situations become much more relaxed because of something funny. I have the ability to find humor in a lot of things. It's how I diffuse stress often. (It gets me in trouble now and then bc ppl come to me with serious stuff and they think i'm not taking them seriously cus I make a joke....really I'm just trying to help the only way I know how...but anyway). Today on my walk this bird flew over me making an odd sound and I started cracking up thinking of the Tookie Tookie bird from George of the Jungle. Yeah you probably had to be there...lol