I have so so much in my head I need to get out but I'm just too tired and don't have the words for it right now. The short version is I missed class again today. I called t (proud of myself for that) bc I was starting to worry this was getting really unhealthy. Appt did not go well...turned into a very heated discussion and us seeing my treatment way differently. I stood up for myself but it was unbelievably hard on me. My emotions have been going haywire. The fear thing is also on high alert. I'm terrified about going to iop tomorrow because all of this stuff feels terrifying...but i've basically been told if i don't go I could be removed from the iop group. Though i'm scared of it right now that would definitely not be good. I don't like bein "forced" to talk bout stuff in a group, but there are ppl in the group who are the first ppl i've felt close to in a long time, and as my real self.
There's also a distinct possibility I'll be getting a new t soon. If the change does happen I think it will be for the better. My t is a nice guy but it's like we're on a different planet when it gets down to talking about stuff. He seems to have no clue how to help me and is expecting me to do things there's just no way I can do.
I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight and figure out how to get myself to iop tomorrow w/out panicking.
Would it be a possibility for you to make it to the group and just say, I have having an extremely difficult time and I don't feel able to talk about it. My accomplishment is that I made it here today. Will they respect your decision to NOT talk at group?
ReplyDeleteKeep pushing through this and keep your voice active! Maybe you can work with a therapist on an internal dialogue you can recite during difficult times, maybe even write it down and read it over and over, as often as you need it? Just an idea, don't know if it would help at all.
I know you are looking for answers and it does not seem like anyone has them, push through one day at a time.