Worthless blob of somebody

Not much new to report update wise. Today was so hard, and the shit list stands. I do have one item for it that I can't believe I forgot though.

Holidays. Everyone gets stressed around the holidays. That's compounded when you're being bashed over the head with the idea of happy family again and again and you don't have a family to turn to. Basically it just sucks all the way around and its a huge trigger. I know that's putting me on edge as well. It doesn't generally get really bad for me until further into december, but I think the edginess is coming from knowing what is coming.

Now then...I skipped iop today. I don't regret it, but I missed the group members a lot. I just couldn't picture how me cryin about being lonely but too scared to let people in to a group of people i'm too scared to let in could possibly end well. Stupidface is really good at getting ppl talking. Almost too good. I need to process this stuff for myself before I face the group with it. Passing really isn't an option, so I was afraid.

I left a message for stupidface last night telling him that I most likely wouldn't make it this morning. I told him I was having a freak out time where everything seemed scary, and that because of that i'd missed class and t appt yesterday and would likely miss iop today. I also told him I was beyond overwhelmed w/shit. I told him he could call me back if he wanted, but I expected him to. He didn't last time but I asked about it and told him that i'd really wanted/needed a call back. This time I was very direct in the fact that I was missing group because I'm not ok. Period. I expected him to call out of concern and am rather pissed that he didn't. I understand that I'm supposed to be asking for help and all that....but obviously I have a lot of shit going on or I wouldn't be in this program! Sometimes I just need a little extra reaching out from their end. Then again, it's moves like this that give Stupidface his name...and apparently once a stupidface, always a stupidface. I was surprised at just how much I missed the group though. I thought about all of them a lot and how I really wanted to see them. I almost went and hung out in the lobby area just so I could talk to them at break. Had I woken up a bit earlier i prob. would've gone and said hi and then left or something, but I was actually sleeping this morning which was a huge plus.

So most of today was spent hiding out in my apartment doing anything and everything I could to keep the cravings at bay. It's a big catch 22. If I go out somewhere and do something I'll likely distract myself and feel better, but it also makes it easier to go to the liquor store. Staying home I can't drink bc there's no alcohol here, but it's prob. not the healthiest thing either. I think it was a pretty good day for me for processing stuff though. I'm coming to grips with just how alone and lonely I really am. Now that I've had a taste of what good feels like, and what connecting w/ppl feels like...it's like a tiny little drop in the bucket where I didn't know there was a bucket before. I've seen what there can be now, but I've also seen the vast amount of empty space...and it's debilitatingly scary and painful.

But something good did happen today. Two things actually. This morning I got a text from a friend saying that she was having a tough time and asking if I could be there w/her for a bit so she wasn't alone. Even though I was in the midst of my personal crisis and panic, it was striking to me that I could actually do something meaningful for her. I felt myself calm down in being able to help, even though my words felt few and far between because my of my own struggles. She thanked me for being there w/her and said it helped.

This evening someone that I met in my dbt group texted me. I've mentioned this girl before. 2 weeks ago she asked if there was a hotline or anything to call when we feel like drinking. Dr. dbt asked her if she had family or friends to call and she said no. I felt the pain and awkwardness in that answer because I know so well how much it sucks to have to say no I don't have any family that supports me...no I don't have any friends here...yes I'm alone. It's painful and shameful to admit. I felt for her so much in that moment that i pulled out a piece of paper and put my number on it to give to her after group. I told her that I understood the aloneness thing and that she could call me any time she needed to. Yeah, way out of character for me, I know. I just felt a connection. Apparently awkward for her as well, cus she gave me her number but then said "um yeah maybe we can start with texting."

Anyway, tonight she texted. For one think, I'm just so freakin proud of her for doing it! I have had multiple ppl give me their numbers and I have yet to be able to reach out to any of them. She wasn't there at dbt on mon. so I've been worried about her and wanting to check on her, but I couldn't make my fingers do the dialing (or texting). So it just made my heart feel so good to see that she'd been successful in reaching out to someone. I also felt proud that she'd chosen me. She'd managed to reach out and she chose me and trusted me....big for both of us. I felt a surge of energy while I was talking to her.

Afterwards I just kept thinking "she chose me." I don't mean that in the sense of being picked over others. What I mean is that I know how unbelievably scary it is to reach out to someone from this position. But in some way I was able to make her feel comfortable enough that she could. There was a connection there, and something good happened because of me. And that's where the title of this post comes in. For both of these people today, I was an important somebody. For whatever reason, they needed me....not just a person but actually me....and because I was there something good happened. It made me realize that I am somebody, and though I may feel (and be) so so alone, I have something to offer the world....even in my oh so screwed up state. So I'm making some baby steps away from the worthless blob of nothingness feelings that I've been having so much lately. I can't see past the worthless blob right now, but today I was somebody. I feel silly to write it, but i can physically feel it in my heart. I feel a spot that's not hardened, angry, and terrified.

Ok away from the sappiness and metaphors before I hurt myself! lol

Somewhere during the day today I decided I needed to find some safe human contact. I think more than anything I wanted to distance myself from the sharp objects in my house. I decided that the best way to do this would be an AA meeting. It's funny, I remember there being a whole big discussion with myself about why I needed to do this, but when it came closer to time I couldn't remember for the life of me why I decided that. I still can't. I guess it was just one of those meant to be kinds of things. I found out that there's a meeting on wednesday night that's like 5 min. away from me. I tried to get there early and found the building no problem....but got lost in the maze of rooms in this place and still ended up late. But still only by about 5 min. :) My entrance was definitely a moment of awkwardness bc the group was all much older ppl who all seemed to know each other well. I was the obvious sore thumb and instant center of attention. I introduced myself very awkwardly and said i was new to all this. I told them I'd only been to a couple meetings and they said oh, well usually when we have a newcomer come in we scrap the plans for the meeting (in this case a big book study) and talk about our experiences and what's worked for us and give advice. The chair asked the group what they wanted to do (about 10 ppl total, btw). In my head I'm thinking "oh god no! worst idea ever! please please please PLEASE don't make me center of attention any more than I already am!" Thankfully I was able to get out an "I'm ok with the book thing," before anyone else had the chance to speak. I've never even actually seen the AA Big Book (It's the book of stories and basic teachings and stuff for AA that's been around forever...and has the most creative title ever...lol) so I was intrigued by it anyway. (oooh and i did get to take a copy of my very own home at the end of the night! lol)

I liked this meeting MUCH better than the others I'd been to. People were actually talking and having conversations with each other. I mean there was still the structure of a meeting, but ppl were responding to what others were saying, laughing, adding little comments, etc. It felt like a group of friends gathered together to hang out and happen to have this one common topic to discuss. I actually caught myself smiling and laughing a few times. And I was able to talk some. It just seemed natural....someone was talking about sleep issues in early sobriety and I started nodding...another woman looked towards me and said "have you had that?" and I said "oh yeah!" and a few ppl threw in things about sleeping or whatever. I guess it felt like a very structured conversation, but not that whole awkward you're on the spot now, and now you're done, without any feedback from the rest of the group. We were going around the table each person reading a bit and talkin about what it meant to them and then other ppl could comment. The guy next to me decided he was going to do a little of the give me advice thing. He said the best thing he heard in AA when he started coming was that you never have to be alone again, and how true that was. Holy sobfest! If only he knew the total freakout I'd been having all day long about how alone I've become and how lonely and isolated I am. There was no hope of containing it so everyone added their agreements and what not and someone put a hand on my shoulder for a sec while I cried (and I mostly didn't freak out...yay!). In the midst of it all someone said "welcome home." Yeah so not helping to stop the tears!

They gave me a list of phone numbers, but that always seems weird bc it's a typed out list for the group. I have no idea who is who or even for sure who was at the meeting from that list! But afterwards one of the women asked if i'd feel ok giving my number to them so they could call me. That was like the big TA DA! moment with the gleam of light and the eventful music behind it that you see in cartoons (and I so hope at least someone out there watches cartoons as much as i do and gets some of these references...lol). I KNOW I don't have the ability to call ppl I've only met for an hour and only in a structured meeting situation. Hell I still can't call iop ppl. But I have been wanting so so badly to have some contact w/someone. The women in this meeting seemed so nice. They all struck me as grandma types. So by the end I really felt like I had a group of grandma's looking out for me. A couple of them came to hug me at the end. They asked first which was so helpful, and I was able to do a couple of hugs and feel ok. I really do like hugs deep down, I've just hit a place in my head where they've also started to scare the shit outta me...especially when I'm already feeling so weak. So here's hoping that my grandmas will call. I really do want them to...they're just the kind of ppl i've been hoping to meet right now. (For some reason right now I'm absolutely terrified of my peers and want nothing to do with them at all if I can help it, but I've been so badly wanting a mothering type relationship....like to the point that i want to ask random ppl i see on the street who look nice....but that's a whole other can of worms for another time!).

As I think back over tonight...everything fits. I talked a lot tonight. I was more relaxed because I just admitted i was clueless and worried less about trying to follow their structure and protocol or whatever. I was even able to volunteer some of my own information besides just answering questions (i talked bout how emotional i've been getting lately...not that that wasn't already obvious! lol So for a shitty day, it ended itself rather well. And it timed itself rather perfectly. I made it to the meeting and then right as I got back from that my dbt friend texted. If she had texted during the meeting I wouldn't have been able to answer it.

Oh and I forgot to add at the end of my conversation w/dbt friend she was so super nice. She told me she was proud of me for staying sober and not hurting myself (she remembered that I have an issue w/that too) despite everything that was going on...she thanked me for listening and not judging and said she enjoyed talking to me and felt like she has a friend in me. She also told me to text her any time. I told her I was really impressed w/her for texting. She said she'd been workin on it for days! lol

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I'm too scared to write that i'm grateful for any of what I wrote above because it just seems like too much potential to go wrong. Or something. So I'm grateful for starbursts. They make me happy and they totally hit the spot sugar craving wise today.

I'm also grateful for pushups. I've been making myself do pushups until I'm too tired to move and too tired to think when I start having the "craving" for cutting. It fulfills the "need to hurt" feeling and gets enough endorphins going to get me through the moment. I did A LOT yesterday. So many I had to switch to situps because my arms couldn't hold me up anymore. I'm sore today, but it's a good sore.