Confusion

My brain is fucked up.

Yeah I know, no big news there.

I went to an AA meeting this morning. It was totally different than the others I'd been to. It was way more casual and more like a conversation (probably bc there were only 6 ppl there total!) I find AA meetings to be really weird because someone speaks and pours their heart out, everyone thanks them, and then someone else starts talking about something completely different. Ok not necessarily completely different, but there's no chance to reply and help the person who talked.

But that's beside the point right now. I realized something through the meeting and my drive home after. I realized that I'm terrified to be successful because I don't want people to stop caring about me. I know that probably sounds ridiculous written here...but AA focuses hugely on the newcomer. They ask at the start of every meeting who is w/in the first 30 days of sobriety to welcome them. I realized this morning that if/when I make it successfully to 30 days and beyond that I'm gonna go back to being one of many and not be loved. I feel when I write this now that it sounds very self centered and maybe a little silly, but it's a very strong feeling right now. Maybe...probably...it's because I never learned how to build relationships. I've always gotten attention from manipulating pity and people's sense of caring for the "needy." Even as a kid I was a pro at crying on demand when I needed it to get something (not from my parents...I would never cry in front of them..but for others in my world.

Anyway, the additionally fucked up thing about all of this is that even though i'm terrified of losing this attention and caring I'm also too scared to accept it. At the end of the meeting today they offered the last few minutes for me to share something if I wanted. This is the kind of opportunity I've wanted to have because I need to be heard, but I was so scared I couldn't say a word. Granted I'd been crying throughout the whole meeting (was on a very close to home type topic)...had thankfully kept from the full on sobs but was still more than a little overwhelmed. I was able to get enough words out to answer a few questions about how long i'd been sober and if I was doing ok physically with withdrawals and all that. Afterwards ppl continued to be really supportive...giving me their phone numbers, trying to start conversations, etc. They even mentioned that there was breakfast available downstairs in the building that they were going to. I really wanted breakfast, it was affordable, and I've been desperate for some level of individual contact in meetings (most that I've been to have at least 20 ppl so I'm overwhelmed...turns out it's not the number that makes me overwhelmed!). But in the moment all I could think about was getting out of there. I realized I was nodding my head and hoping to get the right kind of nod while getting closer to the door and getting out of there. Then I spent the drive home frustrated with myself, sad and lonely, and also terrified of what might happen if I succeed. So yeah...a bit on the fucked up side. lol

I also realized today part of the reason why I'm so, so freaked out by AA. When I go to AA, it has to be as my real self. It hits too close to home to pull the pretend to be ok and smile on the surface act. Not to mention my real self has gotten so close to the surface that it doesn't hide well anyway! I handle it ok at IOP and the hospital groups for a couple reasons. First off, I feel a strong sense of ownership w/iop. I was talkin bout it with another IOP'er who is as shy as I am with AA meetings. We know each other in IOP and know we're in a similar place. True AA folks are in a similar place too, but IOP is the same ppl every time and you learn their stories and you get used to each other. Also, with all the groups through the hospital clinic, it's just a known environment. You start to see the same people around, and you know that others there have been through a lot too or they wouldn't be there. In both the IOP and the dbt group at the clinic it's hard to shut me up! lol Hopefully I can get to that point w/AA. Ok maybe not the can't shut up part...but at least to the point of being able to say what I need to say.

I guess that's all for now. Still have a lot to figure out but at least i'm starting to see some of what the issues are.