Guess who's back...back again....

And no, it's not shady...no need to tell a friend...it's ME! :-D

I'm in a strangely good mood considering it's day 2, and i've been through endless amounts of crap lately. I'm not sure what's making me feel good. I think a lot of it is that i've done a lot of standing up for myself lately. That's something that's nearly impossible for me to do but I've been frustrated with how treatment is going and have felt that I had to stand up for what I need. I was very straightforward with my t yesterday and then today I finally got up the guts to tell my iop group about the cutting. I've been terrified to go back there bc I know ppl there understand about the drinking, but the cutting stuff is just a lot...weirder.

I was nervous to go today since it's been a while and i've been through lots of shit since i've been last. It's never fun to talk about failures to the group. But everyone was surprisingly supportive when I talked about my relapse and cutting and everything else. And I was able to come out and say how frustrated I am. We discussed a bit about how figuring these things out is a big part of recovery...and that unfortunately it requires falling in the hole a few times before you figure out how to climb back out, and eventually how to walk around it. (There's a whole story that goes along with this that i'm too lazy to tell right now). They weren't saying necessarily that you have to relapse, but that sometimes it's just blindingly painful and you don't know what to do...and it's hard to just survive it. Not exactly reassuring but kind of is in a sense.

I saw my school therapist today too. I tell her often that she's the first therapist I ever didn't hate. And that's a HUGE compliment coming from me! I feel strangely comfortable with her even though our first real appointment was me being dragged out of her office kicking and screaming by cops and paramedics. I just felt comfortable with her from the first little mini-intake. I was thinking today that maybe the fact that she saw my absolute worst side from the start maybe helped me feel comfortable w/her because I had to rely on her while I was in the hospital. (Even though my "relying" was calling sobbing/yelling bc I couldn't get anyone to check on my stuff for me and she and her supervisor had promised me that someone would...but anyway...) Regardless, I just feel comfortable with her. She confirmed that she agrees completely with the method my program is using, and encourages me to be patient with it She said that it's a really good thing that they're not letting me work through the difficult stuff now...and that they're helping me get the basis down first. That I really do need to practice basic coping skills until they're habit, and get comfortable getting through life without drinking/cutting before I delve into harder stuff, so that the harder stuff doesn't send me deeper into the bad coping. She stressed for me to be patient and trust the process, even though I really feel like I want to work on stuff and make bigger progress now. It helped a lot to hear this from her because she's an outside observer and someone I trust...so now I'm more willing to trust that this is the right thing. I still wish I could see more progress...but anyway...

It was a bit of a sad visit too because school t said it's best if I don't keep seeing her. The school counseling center is meant to be more of a place to go for a couple of sessions to work out smaller issues...not a long-term place. They're busy so I'd only be able to see her every other week at best, and it's apparently a no no in the therapy world to have more than one therapist. While I understand all of this, it just sucks to be losing someone that I really feel comfortable with...especially because she was really the first to pull me out of my funk. After months of looking for ANYONE that would help me it's crazy to think I have a good person that I have to give up seeing. She seemed sad about it too. She wants me to call her and keep her updated now and then...so at least that's good. It's always good to have people out in the world that know I exist.

So it was a rough appointment in that sense, but it's reassuring that I'm heading in the right direction. So...i'm stickin with it...and I'm feeling good about sobriety again. Thankfully I didn't drink enough to get the crazy physical symptoms. I'm having the sugar cravings pretty bad, and i'm a little shaky....but I'm a little shaky often! Oh...and forgot to mention above but i got extra hugs from a couple of ppl in my iop group after mentioning cutting...so i'm still accepted there. Yay! So yeah...i'm in a good mood now...despite the crap. And maybe partially because of the crap...because I'm showing myself I can handle more than I thought I could.

Anyway....i'm completely exhausted and not sure I'm still writing words that make sense (the sleep thing is still making me crazy because i'm always tired but can't sleep till late...even though i'm too exhausted to do much starting way early). Oh...but before I go...after my appointment I was smart and went to the library and did homework before I went home. So I got stuff done. And I went for a walk...which I've been trying to do more regularly for exercise and for time to clear my head. So yeah...that's all for now. No morning class tomorrow so I get to sleep in and have more time to get stuff done. Here's hoping I can really use it well to get stuff done. Keep your fingers crossed!

Tonight I'm super grateful for strangers from the internet who leave comments and seem to really get me and know how to say things that are really reassuring (as well as ppl I know who do the same thing.) I'm also grateful for rediscovering some strength and this new feeling of calm about post-relapse sobriety. One day at a time.