Hunger

I went hungry a lot growing up. Sometimes it was just due to lack of money (though I'm questioning this now, considering the incredible amount of money that I can now as an adult see that they spent on other things). Sometimes it was because I was in trouble and denied food. When I was older and homeless, I had to fight for what food I got to eat. Meals were never guaranteed. I had to do a lot just to get something to eat sometimes.

Today, being hungry is a giant trigger for me. If I feel hungry and don't have access to food, it can incite panic pretty quickly.

When I pack a lunch for work, I pack enough that I could get trapped in the mountains for days and not go hungry. Of course the likelihood of that actually happening is miniscule. But I carry the extra weight around with me as a comfort all day. In fact I generally eat until I'm full at lunch, eat more of my lunch as a snack on my way home from work, and still have plenty leftover to carry over to the following day's lunch.

A few weeks ago I went camping. It was a camping trip through my work and one of the perks of it was that it was totally catered. I arrived with a fairly large bag for just a weekend. There was very little clothes or anything else in the bag, but a lot of food. A lot of food that I didn't need, but I don't think I could've comfortably left my house without. Whenever I'm nervous to go anywhere, I start packing food until I feel better. This includes to places like an hour long meeting, an appointment somewhere, etc. I guess no matter what else happens, at least I know I won't go hungry. I keep snacks in my car, in my backpack, and in other strategic places. I don't often eat them, but if it's not there I tend to freak.

When I did my Outward Bound course we did a "solo" where we spent 3 days on our own. As the instructors were explaining the area we would be in and all of that they included, "and by the way, we'll be collecting your food in one area for this evening and will distribute it each morning." The reasoning for this was we had to hang the food in a tree to keep it away from bears and other animals. They decided it would be easier and safer to keep all of the food together. Makes sense but a total shock to me. Most ppl were freaked out about solo because of the time alone in the woods. I LOVED that part...got tons of journaling and relaxing done. However it terrified me, especially the first night, because my food was suddenly taken from me without warning. I panicked badly that night. Cried my eyes out in front of ppl before we even separated to our sites. I managed to direct a lot of my nervous energy in to what was determined to be the best "mailbox" in the group. We were required to mark a spot where we wanted the instructors to leave our food that they dropped off to us each morning. I made a square out of sticks and then traced with bright yellow leaves "Put Food Here," and a giant arrow. It got me through the night, but it wasn't pretty. To make matters worse, our food allowed for the three days consisted of a bagel, a couple of peices of cheese, and an apple. I feel like there was something else I'm forgetting, but it wasn't much at all. They did surprise us with corn bread on one of the days, but it was still extremely limited.

It was one of the roughest times I've had in my adult life. One of the most frustrating parts of it was that logically I KNOW I can make it without all the food I feel I need. However at this point I don't WANT to. They insisted that it was not meant to be a "survival" thing, just a simplicity thing, but it was fully uncomfortable. Part of outward bound is to teach not actual survival skills, but mental strength and survival mentality. It's meant to help ppl find their inner strength in a more simple life, and see that they can do more than they think they can. I really enjoyed the climbing, hiking, canoeing, and backpacking we did on that course. The hunger was awful. Even on the non-solo days, the amount of food just wasn't enough to ever feel full. I hate like a horse for nearly a month after I got back from my month-long course. No matter how much I ate I just never felt full.

The point is, yes I survived my course and can survive on much less food than I like to have. But to me it's just not worth it to try. It's a comfort thing. It makes me feel good to have that extra food around.

But this is not meant to be a critique on outward bound. Just a side to the food issues in my life.

One of the reasons I'm writing this now, is that today I forgot my lunch for work. I packed myself a beautiful lunch for the day and left it sitting on the kitchen counter. I asked my supervisor if I could run out and get something but unfortunately I was barely on time as it was and there weren't any stores in the area. The kids would be arriving soon and I needed to be there to supervise. We had some extra granola bars and things so I didn't go hungry, but it was horribly scary and stressful for me to go without my food. I think at this point food is just a comfort item that I just need to stick with and allow myself. No real reason to change.

I do get physically sick when I get hungry...sometimes even a little hungry. What I wonder now is, does the physical sickness come from the stress of being without food, or does the sickness come from some underlying physical thing which causes the stress level to increase?