Ok trying one more time to write this (see post below) as apparently it really wants to come out and body feeling really unsettled with not having to keep it alone. So...take 2!
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Last night I did something for me. Just for me. For my healing. I know that sounds selfish to "brag" about, but that's something I always struggle to do. I'm much better at looking out for others than truly caring about me.
So...I called a hotline. I've been in the process of looking for therapy for a while now. Unfortunately the process of finding the right person at a price I can afford without getting totally overwhelmed has been nearly impossible. I finally found someone that was willing to help...a group that connected me with a social worker who very convincingly said she was researching it all for me...then she suddenly added on that she was going out of town and wouldn't be back until 6/25. Nice. I'm the type of person that if it doesn't happen now it won't happen. If I wait till then I will have talked myself out of it. Not to mention this stuff is pretty urgent. I told this social worker it was urgent and she told me to call the hotline.
The hotline lady was nuts, but at least I called. I told her my situation and she gave me a couple of numbers to call. Oh, and she wasn't really nuts. It's more that I've gone so far off the deep end that normal people confuse me entirely. I talked to her a bit about some of the "anxiety" i'm experiencing that is causing me to look for help. (It really is anxiety...and that's all I felt like telling her for details.) She was unbelievably bubbly and annoying but then suddenly got all serious and concerned sounding. She said "oh gosh...is it bad enough you're thinking of hurting yourself?" I replied, "Not killing myself!" The last time I called a hotline I ended up with ambulances at my door bc I mentioned that I'd considered killing myself. I do consider it. Often. And I decide against it and don't consider myself dangerous or suicidal or any of that. But I learned to be very careful with answering such questions. "But what about hurting yourself?" she asked again. I laughed. "Oh I do that all the time!" Ok I don't think I was quite that obnoxious about it, but I'd forgotten that to the normal world, cutting oneself is not that comment and is possibly considered rather frightening. The poor woman was beside herself, but tried to keep talkin to me about other stuff. She kept telling me how brave I was to call (which annoyed the fuck outta me) and I said that it was only because I'd bought new toys and wouldn't let myself use them after I'd made a phone call to help myself. She got back to the super seriousness and said "oh...toys to hurt yourself with." Ummmm what??!! I guess the average adult doesn't talk about things they buy as toys. I refer to any fun thing I buy as a toy. These particular toys were seeds and a new planter for my garden...cus i'm a garden geek and this makes me very happy.
Anyway...she gave me two numbers and I called them both. It was late at night so I knew I wouldn't have to talk to a real person, which helped. Both places called me back this morning when I didn't have my phone on me. I called them back and had to leave messages again. Finally just got a call back from one of them. I'm quickly deciding that I despise all ppl in the mental health profession (no offense to folks out there...it just all sounds so fake and so obnoxious that they ask all these personal questions when i've only just met them. I get that it's for their job and meant to help and all that, but it irritates the crap outta me. After all these woman's "I see..." and "thank you for sharing..." crap when she got to the "were you abused as a child" question I answered, "nothing major." Ha. Ha ha. If only! I'm pissed at myself for answering that way but I just don't want to have that "out there" just yet. It doesn't matter too much as even this place's sliding scale is really way more than i'd wanted to pay. We'll see what happens w/the other place.
After making the calls last night I had more to get out so I wrote a letter to a future therapist about what I'm looking/hoping for. I'll share it here in case you're interested/bored.
To whom it may concern:
I'm writing this to express what I'm looking for in a therapist/counselor so i can express it before I'm too stressed to do so.
First, know that I hate absolutely everything about therapy. i don't want to pay someone to talk to me. I don't like to talk period. It all feels fake to me. That said, I'm desperate. What I've been doing isn't working so I'm willing to try anything. I'll try not to take my anger/frustration out on you but I might. Don't be easily offended. If you are easily offended, you're probably not the right person for me.
Next, I don't trust people. It is very rare for me to trust anyone. My only prior experience with therapy was a very, very bad one. I let myself trust her and was let down in a big way. That was 5 years ago and I still can't walk in to a therapist's office without feeling physically sick. Understand that that makes this a HUGE step for me to be trying again. Also, if there's any chance you'd be willing to meet in a non-office setting it would be a million times better for me.
Next, I'm not good at speaking out loud. However, I love to write (hence this letter). Give me a chance to express myself through writing and you'll get a lot more out of me. Expect me to talk a lot right away and I'll likely shut down entirely.
Finally, for all the reasons mentioned above, I'll look for any and every excuse in the book not to do this. I'll look like I don't care. Trust me, I do. I need someone who will believe in me because I'm pretty sure I don't believe in myself or believe I can be successful. I struggl eto believe it can get better, which makes it very hard to keep trying. I need someone who is very patient with me but also willing to execute a bit of "tough love": someone who will hold me accountable and not let me give up.
If you've read all this and believe you're the right person for me, then let's talk. If not, please tell me now so i can find someone else. I can't let myself be hurt again by having a bad match and having it fall apart again.
Thanks,
River
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I then added a very dorky PS. "PS Though I'll never admit it, I'm secretly jealous of the little kids who get to play with clay, paint pictures, etc. during therapy. When my hands are busy doing something (especially something fun), I'm much less likely to get overly stressed out and panic. Though, just to be clear, I absolutely DO NOT want to be treated as or talked to as a child. That for sure won't go over well."
I doubt I'll actually give this letter to anyone. I kind of hate it. It makes me sound like a total bitch.
The thing is, I just never know how I'll react. In situations like this I generally:
1. Get way overly happy and jokey....turn all the serious questions in to jokes in the hopes of making ppl laugh and distracting from the real stuff.
2. Shut down entirely. Refuse to talk or move. This is how I dealt with counseling when I had to go as a teen. Usually what happens after the joking doesn't work.
3. Overly emotional mess. Ask me how I am and I start bawling my eyes out. A personal favorite of mine as I find it very entertaining. Well, I find all of these 3 very entertaining honestly. Because I'm still manipulative like that. Guess that shows why I need help. :P
4. Angry bitch. See letter above. My angry side hardly ever comes out face to face. I've squashed it down pretty well after doing some really bad things in my past. However those that know me well online have likely seen it. It's "easier" for me to let the anger out when I don't have to actually see my target. And when I know I can't cause physical harm (not that that makes it ok). The angry bitch stuff is usually hiding under the surface under all this crap.
5. The real me, ready to talk openly. Ha ha. Yeah right. Don't think so.
6. When all else fails...LIE! I had thought I was mostly over this one. My talk with the intake lady showed me better.
I know this is all coping mechanism, manipulative crap, and yet i'm not sure i'm ready to put the letter out there and admit it. I've always thought that maybe I need this stuff in order to get used to someone, and that any therapist worth their salt should be able to figure it out. Sending the letter feels like putting way too much out there too quick. Or maybe it's that I know the letter is self-sabotaging my ability to manipulate, and that pisses me off!
Damn I confuse myself sometimes!
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