Last night I called the guy that I had met with during the intake interview. I told him that working with scary lady was not going to work for me and asked if there were other options. Today scary lady called as "scheduled" (she made me pin down a time for her to call when I told her I was too busy to talk so I just threw one out there). I assumed that meant the other guy hadn't gotten my message yet. Instead, she said that she "knows I left a voicemail with him expressing my concerns, so she wants to know yes or no whether I want to work with her".
Why are they making me tell this woman to her face that I can't work with her?! She terrifies me! The way she talks triggers me every time I have to speak to her. She talks down to me like I'm in trouble because I don't do what she asks...because I don't answer questions the way she wants me to (sometimes getting one word out is a giant success, and she responds with apparent disappointment)...when I do manage to say something...like telling her in detail over the phone about how my last therapist totally screwed me over and made me really distrust the whole profession...her response was silence while she was apparently writing things down. She "explained" it later by saying she needed to take notes, but not an ounce of "i'm sorry that happened" or "i can't believe she would do that" (what happened was beyond unprofessional)...When she called and I was busy w/friends and couldn't talk, she acted like how dare I not listen to all she had to say. Shouldn't that be part of confidentiality when I tell her i'm not in a place where I can deal with that conversation? Then her message when I didn't answer her call was entirely condesending...like hello you're not answering when you said you would and i hear you've been going behind my back...
One of the hardest things for me is feeling like i'm "in trouble." I have MAJOR authority figure issues, which I readily admit to, but as soon as I feel like I'm in trouble everything else shuts down and I go in to fight or flight mode. It's to the point that I can't even speak to this woman because she always makes me feel like I've been bad. So no matter how much of this is in my head, as soon as I hear her voice I freeze up, and turn it all inward. I'm afraid to say anything at all..I go quiet or just agree w/whatever she says...while on the inside i'm ready to punch my hand through a wall or hurt myself just to make it stop. Not a good thing. I wish I could get these ppl to understand that.
No idea what i'm going to do now.
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