I'm running out of interesting post titles...

I was going to title this one update. Because yeah...that's exciting. I gotta work on that.

Things are actually better. Which is good because after my last post I don't think they could get much worse.

So the whole 24 hours thing from the last therapist really freaked me out. I wrote her a very angry email back telling her that here is the email she wanted so badly...that i was tired of being lied to by everyone in that place, and that there was no way I would accept a referral because there's no way I would go through another intake anywhere as this one has been so hellish.

I'm not proud of that. I know I get angry, but I really try not to act out in anger towards anyone else. (Those who know me well know I fail at that, but I really try). The funny part is, the day before I had asked my roommate to call this woman and tell her to leave me alone. When I got the new message I told my roommate about it and meant to tell her not to bother with calling her but I guess that message didn't go through. So this woman also got an angry call from my roommate. Except that my roommate works in the medical field and does a lot of on the phone stuff, so I'm guessing she was a lot nicer and professional-like than she claims. :-P Either way, I was likely emailing from the library at the same time my roommate was calling. Apparently she got the message. No big surprise, I haven't heard back.

I was all set to swear off therapy, since just looking for a therapist has stressed me out so much. Then, I remembered why I had started the hunt in the first place. I was miserable, and knew I needed real help to get better. So then the misery sunk in, and the fear that maybe I never would get better....that maybe I'm stuck as a half-functioning individual for the rest of my life. I've gotten pretty good at functioning to the outside world, but there's a huge part of me inside still screaming I'M NOT OK!! I can't deal with relationships. Getting close to ppl (even just friendships) scares the hell outta me and I tend to end them before they get too serious and wind up alone. I deal with intense anger. I hurt myself because I don't know how else to process things. And we all know about my breakdown. So yeah...realizing that I may be stuck like this forever...not a good night. Thanks again to my wonderful friend for talking to me and getting me through. It was scary.

It's still scary. For the moment I'm getting better. Without the stress of thinking about talking at therapy, I'm calmer. I'm able to function and I feel a lot more human. I'm not hallucinating and I'm not living minute to minute reminding myself to breathe. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not thinking about that right now. Yesterday after work I was able to go home, take a nap, garden, clean the house a bit, and go to my softball game. Most days after work lately I haven't even been able to make it home because I've had to pull over to deal with an intense flashback or otherwise scary thought. Or to just sit and sob.

I guess I'd consider looking in to therapy again...but it took me 5 years to try again after the last one went bad (granted that one went bad after trusting the woman for a year, so it was different, but still...

But the new issue is that I need to go to a dr. I am getting intense pain in my legs, sometimes making me just barely able to walk. I can't run without my legs literally falling out from under me. Much of my abuse was carried out by ppl in the medical profession (or those pretending to be) so while any touch is scary to me dr. visits are AWFUL!! I probably wouldn't go, but I need a refill for my meds anyway so I kind of have to. The problem is for just the meds I could skip sitting on the table and having anyone touch me. The other problem is that before I moved I had an AMAZING doctor who I trusted fully. This time I will be seeing a stranger. I'm going to an urgent care walk-in place because with all the therapy stuff I haven't had time to look for a dr. Soooooo...wish me luck! I'm just hoping to get in the door.