Therapy, part 3-ish

I have no idea what part i'm on. I just know that the therapy saga is turning in to a complete joke.

To recap...started w/emailing a couple of different agencies. No luck except that one gave me an 800 number to call. Called there and got numbers for two different places that I could supposedly afford. One was way out of my price range. Other was ok. Called the ok place. After many days of phone tag finally talked to someone. Did an over the phone intake with a woman that made me want to hurt myself and/or punch my hand through a wall..or a person....she's referred to here as multiple variations of evil bitch woman. I told her multiple times during the conversation that it was nearly impossible for me to talk to a therapist. She didn't seem to care. I told her I'd been badly burned my last therapist. No reaction. I told her that the thought of having to talk to 3 different therapists about personal stuff just to get through the intake was only just barely managable to me. She continued to not care...except to look down on me in a way I could feel over the phone when I wasn't able to answer her questions or wasn't able to answer them as completely as she would've liked. (My one word answers were BIG successes in my book!). Anyway, she told me her schedule was full so I wasn't too concerned.

Then I get the call back from the place after all the intake stuff, and it's her saying that she's who they have picked for me. I tell her I'm busy (i was) and she pushes me to schedule a time to talk. I hang up and call one of the ppl I did the intake with and said absolutely not I am uncomfortable with her, can't see her, etc. He apparently passes the message on to her. She calls yesterday at our scheduled time. I don't answer. She leaves a message with such a lecturing tone that my roommate hears it too (without knowing any of the back story) and says there is no way she could EVER talk to this woman about anything of value because she is so condesending. I decide to ignore the message for the time being.

She calls again today. Just now. She leaves a long message saying that she understands that I left a message with P (the intake guy) saying that I was uncomfortable with her, but she needs to hear from me about whether or not i'm uncomfortable with her. Ummmmm wtf? That's her wording. Doesn't me leaving a message saying that i'm uncomfortable tell her i'm uncomfortable? What is wrong with these people?! I told both of the therapists I met with for the in person intake, IN WRITING, that I am very uncomfortable talking to therapists in general and yet they're making me tell this woman to her face that I don't want to see her? What is the point of that??!!

She also mentioned in the message today that there are NO OTHER THERAPISTS AVAILABLE except for her. So they put me through allllll that intake shit when I told them repeatedly that it was an incredibly difficult thing to ask of me, when they had NO THERAPISTS AVAILABLE! (I'm assuming there weren't any, considering that she is now the only one and she told me when we first spoke that she was full). Again...WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??!! She said she'd give me other places to call. Great. So I can start the whole damn process over again. Because it's no big deal...right? Seriously...I get physically sick walking in to a therapist's office. Having them ask the intake questions...even the basic ones...make me want to curl up into a hole in the ground. They make me want to cause pain to myself because of the horrors in my head. And they make me believe that people are coming to kill me with enough conviction to hallucinate. All the more reason to be in therapy, I get that, but the point is this is not something that I can take lightly.

I am soooooooo frustrated and angry right now. She finished the message by saying that I have 24 hours to hear back from me, so she needs to hear from me by 4:00 tomorrow (when, by the way, I'll still be at work...wednesday is my long day). I kept waiting for the or what that I expected at the end of this threat (it sounded like a threat) but it never came. Makes me even less interested in calling her because now the grumpy, manipulative side of me just wants to piss her off.

The thing is...I was doing much better before I started looking in to therapy. I know I need the help...absolutely....but the search is killing me. Literally. I don't want to scare anyone, and I'm fine right now, but there have been some very bad thoughts in my head. Last night I was at the store and started thinking about how I should spend all my money on nice things for my brothers and sister so they'll be less sad when I'm gone and I'll know my money will go somewhere good. (Again, don't panic...I have good people looking out for me...just want to give ya'll an idea of what this has been like).

So i'm stuck in a lovely catch 22. Am I better off struggling through it on my own...fighting through all sorts of shit but at least functional...or attempting to get help when continuing to try brings me to darker, more desperate places. I want to get better. I don't want to be in the midst of this shit anymore. I want to feel happy and have a real life. I have big dreams for my future. But I'm really starting to wonder if there's anything out there for me.