Where to go

I have a problem.

Well really I have lots of problems, but there's one specific one that seems to keep coming back right now.

I went through a lot of shit as a kid. That goes without saying these days. Enough that I find it rather amazing that I'm as normal as I am. No, I'm not totally normal (I know what a lot of you are thinking) but I have a good job and I do it well. For the most part I take care of myself, and I make it through from day to day. To the outside observer, no one would guess my past. Then again, there may be a lot of others like me that are "normal" on the outside with a past like mine. I have no way of knowing.

The problem is, I don't feel normal. Not fully. When I hang out with "normies" I feel out of place. A bit of a memory will come back, or my mind will wander to a bad place, and i'm quickly reminded of how not normal I am.

I don't talk about my past with most people, for a variety of reasons. Mostly because it shocks people, which makes things uncomfortable, and because I don't want to be defined by it. I don't want ppl to worry about what they're saying around me. The one friend I told started acting WAY differently around me after it came out. I also don't want ppl to ask me questions I'm not ready for. And I'm afraid that if things went bad someone could use it against me. It has too much power over me still, and therefore a person could use that against me. Finally, it's personal. Very personal.

Anyway, I've told a few ppl online. But it's been a struggle to find the right place. I found an online community for a while, but I realized there that they were not ready to hear what had happened to me. I found somewhere else. But there were major issues there too.

I'm starting to wonder if it's me. I'm starting to realize that it probably is. I don't fit places. I don't know why. I know I have issues with authority type folks, so maybe that's why going to these websites doesn't work out for me. I've tried to reach out to others individually but have found that i'm way too clingy most times. Anyone who's willing to listen to me tends to get way more than they can really deal with and tend to disappear. I don't blame them. I don't know how to pace myself. I get so excited that someone is listening that I tend to spill it all all at once. I also tend to forget that ppl have lives of their own and I get frustrated when ppl aren't where I want them to be at the time.

I created a blog in hopes of having a place where I make the rules and set the stage. I thought it would help me to get stuff out there in my own way. But it's lonely in this corner too. I've been absolutely shocked at how few of my friends have shown ANY interest in reading what I have to say. I thought it was a given that ppl who cared about me would be interested. Maybe I've scared them away. I scare a lot of ppl away.

This isn't meant to be a guilt trip. Obviously if you're reading this you aren't one of the ppl I'm talking to. I just genuinely don't understand why I struggle so much to be anywhere. I don't mean to be scary, and I don't mean to cause trouble. I do my very best to care about my friends. And yet when I invite ppl to read a bit into my life I'm met with silence. I didn't even scare them away with the details. Apparently I scared them away up front.

I sometimes feel like ppl care about me because they think they have to. Like they think i'm so pitiful that they give me just enough that they know they're not leaving the poor piece of nothingness entirely alone. This feels like one of those times. I know this will all sound like whining. I know I can't make ppl care. I totally understand ppl getting totally flipped out with the details of what i've been through. But why do they get scared away by the surface? What am I doing wrong? :( Why can't I have the friendships I see from so many others in the world.

I think i'm asking too much. I think I'm just too broken. I think I'm so broken that my brokenness is seeping out my ears and keeping ppl away before they even have a chance.

Sorry for whining.