Oh. My. God.

For years now i've had this memory, or flashback, or something. I don't know what to call it. I'd hear this screaming in my head. This horribly pained, desperate screaming for mommy. I assumed it was my little wanting attention. I'd get so angry with her. I'd yell at her that we don't have a mommy and then I'd feel like shit.

Something I was reading got me thinking about when I was young and my mom would hold me down while my dad beat me with a belt. It's not a new memory, it's always been there, and I've always felt a lot of anger and hatred towards my mom for this. Anyway, it was on my mind and I couldn't think of anything else. I let the memory play out in detail and I remembered looking up at my mom. The way she held me put us face to face (why i hate her for it even though my dad was doing the beating). I'd look at her face and look for any signs of love or compassion....any little apologetic look. Never happened. As I let the memory play through, the screams started. The exact screams I've heard in my head for so long. Begging my mom to stop the beating.

This is huge. I'm not sure why it's huge but it's huge. I was driving when this all came to me. I had to pull over bc my body went limp. I still feel weak. I just don't know what to do with the fact that the voice I so often hear screaming is my own.