Therapy fail

So remember that therapy intake appt I went to? Yeah....it didn't go so well. I thought that being there for the interview was the hard part. Boy was I wrong!

I did ok on wednesday night after a long talk with a good friend.

Thursday night the power went out. Not a big deal you might think. Well, when you add to the mix that in my mind, any amount of telling anyone will lead to my death, it was not pretty. I know the likelihood of them finding me and killing me (or finding out that I told at all) is basically none, but when the people causing you unbelievable pain and terror on an almost daily basis tell you that they will find out and kill you if you tell....well it just doesn't seem that far fetched. These people had the ability to do some truly terrible things.

Right as the sun went down, the power went out. I held it together for a bit, or so I thought, but my brain managed to convince me that somehow the bad ppl had turned our power off so they could get in and get me. No matter how well I knew that no one could get into the house or into my room, it didn't matter. I didn't realize just how far gone I had gotten until the lights came back on and I was so totally shocked to see myself at full size (not as a child) and in my own house.

Then on friday the therapy place called. I wasn't going to answer it as i was getting ready to do something fun, but I thought it was someone else. The call was from the horrible woman who had done my phone intake...the evil woman who had made me feel even worse about therapy but told me (reassuringly to me) that her schedule was "unfortunately" full. She said that she'd been matched to me. Ummmmmm no. I told her I couldn't talk then and was busy and she kept pressing the issue...another thing that shows me she's not right for me. I had friends in the house w/me and was trying really really hard not to break down in front of them.

Since then I pretty much totally lost it. All that and they match me with the person who I KNOW won't work for me. At all. I'm working up the strength to call them back and see what else they can offer or if they can refer me elsewhere...but for now lets just say that Saturday was bad. Really bad. Like, haven't felt that way in many, many years kind of bad.

I think I'm going to call the person I did the physical intake with and see if he can help me. I know this doesn't sound to most like a big deal, but I put ALL my energy and strength in to going to that appt. It was/is a big deal. I'm doing better today, but the body memory pains are there...plus i think just pain from me being so totally stressed lately. It pretty much hurts to move, but at least I'm not totally in the dark place. Will update if there's any new news...