I've had soooo much going on to blog about in the last few days, but unfortunately my computer is being eaten away by a nasty virus. I rely on my computer for EVERYTHING (connection w/ppl, scheduling, all my important info, pictures, etc.) so this is really, really not good! And I just miss having my outlet. My brain is full! lol
I'm at the library now. I have 10 min. till my session runs out so I don't have a lot of time to say much. But I'll try to do a quick update.
Things between my mom and me are getting better. We had a rough patch after I had a flashback that really threw me for a loop. It got me so flipped out that I actually lost my ability to speak for a while. My mom and i came up with a very cool plan where we're now reading Harry Potter together.
K cue up the corniness...lol I was attempting to explain to her (in writing since I couldn't speak it) about what a flashback is like. For me, a flashback generally starts with seeing/feeling/hearing/etc the bad ppl at a distance and if I can't fight them successfully they get closer and closer until i'm fully back in the moment. I told her I genuinely didn't know how she could help get them away. my mom (gotta love her) said that maybe it could be like Harry Potter, that a mom's love keeps all the evil away, even evil you don't quite understand. So my turn to be corny, I asked her if she'd be my "Harry Potter mom" Hahahaha It worked though bc we both chuckled and i was able to look at her w/out bein scared for the first time since the flashback. So we decided it'd be fun to read Harry Potter...because it's something we can actively do together but isn't stressful for either of us. Keeps us from just sitting there frustrated with each other! :P And keeps my mind off the bad stuff. Oooh and it is really helping me find my voice again since i've been struggling so much with speaking out loud. It's like I get to practice speaking, but the words are there provided for me.
This probably is going to sound strange to just about everyone, but it works for me!
Other than that, the next big thing going on is that we've got some big decisions to make. My moving in here was never meant to be a permanent thing. It wasn't meant to be moving in at all. Mom had planned to get me in safe for the night to help me detox and then ship me back out on my way. we both got A LOT more than we bargained for! the thing is, as i've let myself get close to her my healing has regressed. A lot. i don't think it's true regression though. i think it's more that i've reached a safe enough point that what i've been keeping deep down and buried is now coming to the surface. I've always been independent because I've had to be. But I've always had a great deal of pain hidden under the surface. I've known I wasn't truly healed, though my life on the outside seemed to show me as happy, successful, etc.
This breakdown occured because i tried to do too much on my own. All in a very short time i had terrifying new memories come back, i moved back to my hometown where it all happened, i started a new job, and i ended up living in my car because my housing fell through. I got afraid to ask for help because I thought that asking for help would be admitting that I couldn't handle it. That was a mistake that I realize now.
soooo...I could take this knowledge and find a place to live and go back to my job, knowing that i can't do it ALL alone. Or I could spend the summer living w/my family again (foster family...I consider them my family so calling them foster is unnecessary to me, but just want it to be very clear i'm not considering going back to evil bios!) and working through all this stuff with my mom. When i'm around my mom i become a much different person. I become much younger, much more dependent, and much more needy. I don't know if this reaction means that it is something I need to do in order to heal, or if being around my mom just makes me less willing to fight/heal. I'm guessing it's the first. I think i am healing, though it's strange and different. For example, lately I've been in a place where I'm not trustworthy to be alone. I need someone around me 24/7 just to make sure i take care of myself. But maybe without someone there 24/7, i'd get it figured out.
Anyway, mom is a teacher so for the most part she has the summer off. I have an amazing job set up for this summer that i worked very hard to get, but the truth of it is that i'm not sure if i'm in the right place to do it. So maybe this is meant to be...this time with both my mom and i free, and me having nowhere else to be anyway. But both my mom and i are not sure how much time we really want to commit to this. It has been a full time gig for the last week and a half for sure!
Wow...good thing for time extension at the library...i had a lot to say! :) I have a lot more to say but that'll do it for now. Hopefully this makes sense...i'm still writin in a rush. hoping for a fixed computer and calmer entries soon! :-D
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