I was going to title this "living as two people" or something like that, but that sounds like DID (dissociative identity disorder) related stuff which is not what this is about. Instead it's about the fact that I have an inner me and an outer me.
I've had some good days lately. Some things are going very well. I've started back to work a couple of days/week right now and it's going well. My job is awesome and I'm good at it. I'm working with kids, which surprises some people when they know my past, but I connect very, very well with little ones. MUCH better than I do with adults. I'm working at a summer camp. Today I taught a 7-year-old to ride a bike. He was bummed when the other kids in his group took of riding without him, and just kept saying how bad he was at biking. But after working w/me for a while he got really in to it, and by the end of the day was very upset that we had to put the bikes away.
When I'm at work, or often just generally out in the world, a different self comes out. No matter how messed up everything else is, I walk in, smile, say hi to coworkers and the kids, and proceed to have a great time with the kids. I get very, very actively involved (truly enjoy playing w/them) and get to care about them very much. (I still think about and genuinely miss campers and kids i've worked with from many years ago). The point i'm trying to make is that it's not fake. It doesn't feel forced or contrived or anything like that. But then after the moment is over, and i'm back alone...it's like i'm sitting there wondering what the heck that all was. It actually frustrates me at times...friends will call and ask me how I am and I say "great, how are you?" Obviously, if you read my blog at all you know my life is not great right now. But I'm not trying to lie purposely. I'm not trying to hide anything. I want them to know. While I'm saying that i'm great i hear a voice inside of me screaming "I'm not ok!! Help me!! I'm not ok!! I'm drowning here!"
I don't know if this is denial or what it is. I was taught from a very early age to put on a brave face and not let anyone know how bad I was hurting. Maybe I've gotten too good at it? I like that I am able to function very well in the outside world, but I hate the feeling like I'm living a lie. I also hate the idea that when I'm not 100% distracted i'm back in the bad place. For example, work goes so well, but as soon as it's over my mind races back to the flashbacks, the pain, body memories, etc. All of it, like I never left. It's kind of bizarre really how quickly I can switch. I used to just keep myself distracted all the time, but I realized that that is a very exhausting, unhealthy way to live. I'm trying to find the balance now but it's hard because it's all in or all out. The highs are high, and the lows are low.
There is one bit of good news in all of this (besides that my job is going well again). I talked to a therapist last night. It was an intake worker person, but she was a therapist. Honestly the place really pissed me off because they require a phone interview, then a 1.5 hour intake interview with two different therapists (apparently one to ask questions and one to write...yikes), and then after that you can be matched with a therapist who will likely be different from the three you've already met. So how's that for crazy? I'm terrified to talk to one therapist and yet i'm venturing in to potentially talking to 4! I almost backed out on the spot when they told me all this but this place has been highly recommended to me and they offer a "real" sliding scale (as in, actually affordable...not sliding down to a rate still WELL above my means, which seems to be what the other places offer. It's been surprisingly hard to explain that my stress issues will not be resolved if I'm going broke in the process.
Anyway, this woman called, and I was very impressed with myself. I talked to her, and I was real. I hate that word used like that, but it's true. I was a total bitch to the woman, which I should probably feel guilty about, but that's the way I feel about therapists. My past therapy experiences have left me entirely jaded, then add to it that these are total strangers asking me deeply personal questions and getting irritated with me for not wanting to answer. Yeah, they piss me off. A lot. So maybe I should've felt bad for being a bitch, but they should know what they're getting themselves in to. The woman I spoke to claimed that the whole idea behind all this intake craziness is that they can find the right person to match you with. So....who wants the bitch?! lol
I'm scheduled to go for the in person intake next wednesday. We'll see how I'm feeling by then.
Oh, and in some somewhat but not really related news...I had a softball game last night and I kicked ass! Made an (according to my teammates) "web gem worthy" play in the field and and got on base and scored twice. Yay! That was another one of the good exciting things that outer me has done lately. My team won 11-10 in extra innings so it was super close and exciting. Just had to brag. Now you can congratulate me. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment