Lots going on

I have a lot of life stuff to update these days.

I'm not living with m foster mom anymore. It was a mutual decision. We both decided that I need my independence and that I would make myself crazy not working all summer or giving up my job that I worked so hard to get. So I've found a place to live close to my job. Last week I worked 2.5 days. This week I'm working 5 half days (exhausting because I have to start early every morning, but good for me to get on a routine). Next week I'll be back to full time staff. I'm very grateful that my job has been willing to work with me through this and keep me on staff. From what I understand they hired less than 20% of the total applicants, so it's not like there's a lack of replacements for me.

So I've found a place to live. It's a great house with an amazing garden area in the yard which makes me very happy. During my whole housing search I was more adament about a garden than the actual house for the most part, since gardening is such a big summer stress relief for me and I knew I'd have so much stress being back in this city. (I didn't know just how much stress, but yeah...)

I like my roommate a lot. She's a survivor too (don't know if sa, but abuse) so we seem to click pretty well. She reads my emotions really well. Like scary well. I think that's good and bad. It's nice to be able to hide things, but nice to have someone that gets me a little better than the rest of the world. I mentioned to her that I was calling therapists and we ended up talking for over an hour about all our experiences with therapy, good and bad. She said a lot of the same stuff as I was thinking, which was cool.

Speaking of therapy, I went yesterday. It was good and awful all at once. I guess I'm glad I went...sort of. It's terrifying for me to tell anyone anything. Add to that my last awful experience with therapy and it's just not a good thing. Just being in the place made me feel sick. But I got through it. I couldn't answer a lot of their questions (just said "no comment" which thankfully they didn't follow up on) or just gave one word answers, so I managed to finish what was supposed to be a 1.5 hr appt. in 50 min. That's gotta be some kind of record, right? :)

Even though I didn't tell anything about my past, I'm sure I gave them plenty of hints. When they got to the abuse question I said no comment. When they got to the SA question, and started listing all the types of SA they got as far as incest (the first one) and I nearly shouted no comment. They trailed off and I started to cry. The guy started on a "we know this is hard.." thing and I cut him off and yelled "just keep going." He tried to pause again and I said/yelled, "Just keep going. I just want to get out of here so do what ya gotta do so I can leave!" I was really tempted to jump outta my chair and run, but I didn't, so I guess that's a good sign. I stayed through the whole thing and gave them the letter I posted earlier. (I actually gave it to them at the beginning but they didn't read it till the end which was a little frustrating bc it would've explained part of why I was so flipped out. But I guess they were worried I wouldn't want them to read it in front of me. The interviewer guys demeanor changed after reading it and he seemed more understanding).

So I survived. I sat in a therapist's office and was interviewed by not one but two therapists. They asked the questions that terrify me (thankfully some of the other bad ones were in writing so that was a little better) and I managed to stay. I left lasting marks in the back of my leg from digging my thumbnail in to keep from freaking out, but I stayed. I guess I'm proud of myself. Mostly terrified.

They told me that they have their staff meeting on friday where they'll take all my info and match me with who they think will be best for me. Then whoever they match me with will call then or within a few days to schedule an appt. I change my mind sometimes by the second on whether or not I'm going to follow through with this. Mostly I'm trying not to think about it. It's easier this way. It already feels surreal. I'm already wondering if it actually happened, or maybe it was just a dream.

I panicked pretty bad after, but thanks to a wonderful friend I made it through. I made it home (though it took me many hours to be functional enough to drive) and sat down to watch tv. I watched cartoons for a bit (my favorite bit of distraction) and then fell asleep watching the hockey game (if you know who won DON'T TELL ME! :P). I slept like i'd been drugged. Never made it off the couch. Slept through my alarm even though it was super bright and I was sleeping somewhere I'm not used to. I think my roommate came back sometime during the night (the other roommate I don't really know who is moving out in a couple days). I think I even talked to him but I don't really remember. Now I've made it through all day today with only a little stress and without even feeling sick. YaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY DENIAL! :-D