Good dads...they do exist..

Father's day is a tough one for me.

There are not words for my father's level of evil. It's nearly impossible not to be triggered by a day dedicated to celebrating dads.

That said, I do have a good dad in my life. It's my foster dad, and he often gets a bad rap.

He and I have always had a rocky relationship. Through no fault of his own, he happens to have the title that terrifies me most. But he has shown an unbelievable level of patience.

When I came home this last time, after my breakdown, I couldn't be in the same room as him. To be fair, sometimes I couldn't handle my mom near me either, but seeing my foster dad was instant panic. No matter how much my logical brain told me that he was nothing like my bio dad, I just couldn't handle it. I know it was hard for him to stay away when he wanted to help both me and my mom.

We've talked about that since and made peace with it, but I now feel like I've added a bit of insult to injury by not coming to his father's day dinner. I had told him earlier in the weekend that I wasn't feeling very good and may not be able to come. On sunday afternoon I told him the honest truth, that I was overwhelmed by life and I wanted to spend the time w/a friend and pretend father's day doesn't exist. (I missed a friend's bday so she and I were going to do a makeup dinner....she has a crappy dad too so it was good for both of us). I think my dad was a bit hurt, but ok w/it. I told him I wanted to see him if we could skip the "father" thing. We agreed to a "just for the hell of it" dinner next weekend. Again he shows how amazing he is...being willing to work with me and what I can manage. He has given me a lot over the years, but unfortunately it's such a giant gap for me to trust any father figure. Even though my bio mom was evil too, it's like I've always wanted to find a mom so it's a little easier w/my foster mom (though until this last breakdown we were much more like friends than mother and daughter). I have gotten so much from my foster dad...I just hope some day i'm able to really express it and not keep hurting him by keeping him at a distance. (Oh and just a disclaimer...I know I tend to use the word foster at random when talking bout my foster parents...in my eyes they are my parents...i just want to make sure it's clear that i'm not referring to my bio parents...it actually feels strange at this point to label them foster).

Anyway, in honor of him and the good fathers of the world, I thought I'd share a quick story. Some of you reading have probably heard it before.

I was 17 when my new baby sister (foster, now adopted) came to live with us. She was a preemie and absolutely tiny. I was genuinely afraid to go near her because I thought I might break her. (Really I was afraid of most babies for that reason, but especially her...like I didn't even want to be in the same vicinity!). One morning I had gotten up early and was on my way out to the living room when I heard her start to cry. My foster dad was there with her. In that moment my heart sunk. I knew what dads did to little girls. Especially those who cried. I cringed and hid in the corner. But what I saw instead was the big man that is my foster dad ever so gently pick up this tiny little baby, cradle her in his arms and rock her ever so kindly. He looked at her with love and compassion...nothing like I remembered seeing in my bio dad's face when he'd look down at me. He fed her a bottle, calmed her, and laid her back down. I couldn't take my eyes off of it for I don't know how long. I don't know if he knew I was there or not. For him it was an every day moment, doing what needed to be done. For me it was life-changing. For me it was the first time in my life that I saw how dads were meant to treat little girls...even the smallest and most fragile. In the worst of times that moment sometimes comes back to me. It's how I know for certain what a real dad can be.